Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1866
 


Funny Bones, 1866

By: Ardis E. Parshall - December 08, 2012

A dentist advertizes that he will “spare no pains” to render his operations complete and satisfactory.

-oOo-

An adjutant of a Volunteer corps, being doubtful whether he had distributed muskets to all the men, cried, “All of you that are without arms hold up your hands!”

“What’s the use of a man’s working himself to death to get a living?” said an idle fellow.

-oOo-

A Galway bailiff, having been questioned as to whether he had spoken to any of the locked-up jury during the night, gravely answered, “No, my lord; they kept calling out for me to bring them whiskey, but I always said, ‘Gentlemen of the jury, it’s my duty to tell you that I’m sworn not to speak to you.’”

-oOo-

“Poor old General Debility!” exclaimed Mrs. Partington; “it is surprising how long he lives, and what excitement he creates; the papers are full of remedies for him.”

-oOo-

“What are you writing such a big hand for, Pat?”

“Why, you see that my grandmother is deaf, and I’m writing a loud letter to her.”

-oOo-

“Married couples resemble a pair of shears,” says Sydney Smith, “so joined that they cannot be separated, often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them.”

-oOo-

A Yankee being asked by a Southerner why the Yankees always say “I guess,” while the Southern people say “I reckon,” gave the following explanation: – That a Yankee could guess as well as a Southerner could reckon.

-oOo-

The anti-spiritualists deride the idea that a chair can move, and tip, and dance, but we have been at many a public meeting where the chair made a speech.

-oOo-

In a cigar shop in Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, there used to be a sign, which read: “All gentlemen must pay cash down; credit given only to members of Congress.”

-oOo-

The “Down East Debating Society,” having dismissed the question “Where does fire go to when it goes out?” have got a new and more exciting one: – “When a house is destroyed by fire, does it burn up, or does it burn down?”

-ooOo-

“Ah!” said a conceited young parson, “I have this afternoon been preaching to a congregation of asses.”

“Then that was the reason why you called them ‘beloved brethren,’” replied a strong-minded lady.

-oOo-

“It is a shame,” said a starving corset-maker, “that I, who have stayed the stomachs of thousands, should be without bread myself.”

-oOo-

A hungry friend said at Brummell’s table, after the beau had fallen in fortune, that nothing was better than cold beef. “I beg your pardon,” returned Brummell, “cold beef is better than nothing.”

-oOo-

Don’t open your purse too hastily or too wide – nor your mouth either.

-oOo-

A girl who was making a dress put the sleeves in wrong. She was unable to change them, as she could not determine whether she had got the right sleeve in the wrong place, or the wrong sleeve in the right place.

-oOo-

Of the naked figure of Achilles in Hyde Park, Rogers said, “It is strange that he who made so many breaches in Troy should be without a pair for himself.”

-oOo-

A lady wrote to her lover, begging him to send her some money. She added, by way of postscript, “I am so ashamed of the request I have made in this letter, that I sent after the postman to get it back, but the servant could not overtake him.”

-oOo-

A gentleman whose attention at breakfast was apt to be monopolised by reading the morning paper, remonstrated with his wife for coming down to breakfast in curl papers, when the lady replied, “If you indulge in your papers, I don’t see why I shouldn’t enjoy mine.”

-oOo-

A Persian merchant, complaining heavily of some unjust sentence, was told by the judge to go to the cadi.

“But the cadi is your uncle,” urged the plaintiff.

“Then you can go to the grand vizier.”

“But his secretary is your cousin.”

“Then you may go to the sultan.”

“But his favourite sultana is your niece.”

“Well, then, go to the devil!”

“Ah, that is a still closer family connection!” said the merchant, as he left the court in despair.

-oOo-

What is the difference between a spendthrift and a feather bed? – One is hard up and the other soft down.

-oOo-

Why would there have been no chickens in Jamaica had Governor Eyre been less energetic? – Because the blacks would have thrown off the yoke and destroyed all the whites.

-oOo-

“One good turn deserves another,” as the alderman said when he discharged the thief who voted for him.

-oOo-

Jack Bannister, praising the hospitality of the Irish after his return from one of his trips to the sister kingdom, was asked if he had been in Cork. “No,” replied the wit, “but I saw a great many drawings of it.”

-oOo-

Why are Irish prisons like fishing-boats? – Because they are receptacles for captured Finny-’uns.

-oOo-

A little boy being asked, “What is the chief end of man?” replied, “The end what’s got the head on.”

-oOo-

A little boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, a gentleman observed that when children were so keen in their youth they are generally stupid and dull as they advance in years.

“What a very sensible boy you must have been, sir,” replied the child.

-oOo-

A formal fashionable visitor thus addressed a little girl: “How are you, my dear?” “Very well, I thank you,” she replied. The visitor then added, “Now, my dear, you should ask me how I am.” The child simply and honestly replied, “I don’t want to know.”



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