Caine – “That auto horn needs oil.”
Marj – “It sounds to me like it needs cough syrup.”
Freshie – “What is stable government?”
Senior–“When the party in power displays horse sense, my friend.”
A Common Complaint
“Papa,” complained Helen, “I don’t feel very well.”
“That’s too bad,” answered Dr. Wright, “and where do you feel the worst?”
He Got a Rise
A schoolmaster was lecturing upon the circulation of the blood.
“If I stand upon my head,” said he, “the blood will run down into my head, will it not?”
The boy replied, “Yes, sir.”
“Then why does not the blood run into my feet when I stand upon my feet?”
“Please, sir, it’s because yer feet ain’t empty.”
Pat and Mike were on a steamer far out at sea. Pat had just died and Mike was leaning over the rail watching the sailors lower Pat’s body, weighted down with coal, into the sea.
Said Mike: “Well, Pat, I always knew you were going there, but I didn’t expect that you had to furnish your own fuel!”
He: “Will you have a little Lobster?”
She: “Oh, John, this is so sudden!”
A Grounded Wire
“So Joe flew like a bird on his first solo flight?”
“You bet! He perched on a telegraph pole.”
He: “Are you dining anywhere tonight?”
She (hopefully): “No, I’m not.”
He: “My, you’ll be hungry by morning.”
Tommy (to Aviator): “What is the most deadly poison known?”
Aviator: “Aviation poison.”
Tommy: “How much does it take to kill a person?”
Aviator: “One drop.”
Where Was He?
The sick man had just come out of along delirium.
“Where am I?” he said, feebly, as he felt the loving hands making him comfortable. “Where am I? In heaven?”
“No, dear,” cooed his devoted wife. “I’m still with you.”
Rastus Jackson, a thoroughly married [man], was one day approached by a life insurance agent.
“Better let me write you a policy, Rastus,” suggested the agent diplomatically.
“No, sah,” declared Rastus emphatically. “Ah ain’t any too safe at home as it am!”
She was a good secretary but clock-eyed.
Sorry There Weren’t Five
They say the first time a Scotchman used free air he blew out four tires.
Customer: “How do you sell this limburger?”
Grocer: “I often wonder myself, ma’am.”
Hard to Catch
Albert: “Yes, the bullet struck my head, went careening into space, and– ”
Alberta: “How terrible! Did they get it out?”
Boy: “While mother was sleeping, the baby got sick by licking the paint–”
Caller: “Off a toy?”
Boy: “No, off mother.”
Diner: “Waiter it’s been half an hour since I ordered that turtle soup.”
Waiter: “Yes, but you know how turtles are.”
The Wrong Number
Customer: “Have you a book called ‘Man, the Master of Women?’”
Salesgirl: “The fiction department is on the other side, sir.”
A western bookstore owner sent an order to a Chicago store requesting six copies of “Seeking after God.” He received this reply:
“No seekers after God in Chicago; try New York or Philadelphia.”
More than Bargained For
Little Fellow (to next door neighbor): “Say, mister, are you the fellow who gave my little brother a dog last week?”
Little Fellow: “Well, my mother says for you to come and take them all back.”
He Can Take It
Wife (to tramp): “I know you. You are one of the tramps that I gave a pie to last summer.”
Tramp: “You are right, madam. You gave it to three of us. I am the sole survivor.”
Young Rose: “’Awkins is goin’ abaht sayin’ you’re in love with ’er, ’Arry. Is that right?”
Garn: “Don’t tike no notice of ’er. I might ’ave give ’er a clip or two over the ear, but that’s all there is in it.”