“My husband is merely a manufacturer of waste-baskets,” sighed the woman with aspirations.”It seems such a prosy occupation.”
“On the contrary, there is really much poetry in the wastebaskets,” replied the unappreciated bard.
And Monthly Payments
“What is a pedestrian, Daddy?”
“It is a person with a wife, daughter, two sons, and a car.”
Not His Privilege
Teacher: “Listen here, young man, are you the teacher of this class?”
Pupil: “No, I’m not.”
Teacher: “Then don’t talk like an idiot.”
And Then –!
Surgeon (to attendant): “Go and get the name of the accident victim so that we can inform his mother.”
Attendant (three minutes later): “He says his mother knows his name.”
He Left His Mark
Landlord: “This room was formerly occupied by a chemist. He invented a new explosive.”
Prospective Roomer: “I suppose those spots on the wall are the results of his experiments.”
Landlord: “Well, indirectly, yes. Those are the chemist.”
The ’am What Am ’am
The American was a guest of a Cockney family in England. They were eating ham. The young son said, “Please pass the ’am, Father.”
“Don’t say ’am,” his father scolded. “Say ’am.”
The mother turned smilingly to the American. “They think they’re saying ’am,” she said.
It Couldn’t Be Possible
“Give me Main 4321 – Hello; this the wife?”
“Listen, dear. Will it be all right if I bring a couple of fellows home for dinner tonight?”
“Certainly it will. I’d be glad to have them.”
“Oh, pardon me, lady. Wrong number.”
The House Beautiful
A member of congress was very much impressed with the dignity of his position, and it was always on his mind. One night his wife awakened him and whispered: “John, there are burglars in the house.”
“You must be mistaken, my dear,” he answered. “There may be a few in the senate, but in the house – oh, no; the idea is preposterous.”
Not So Digestible
“Her father married her mother for the bread she made.”
“Her suitor wants to marry her for the dough she’s got.”
Customer: “Your dog seems very fond of watching you cut hair.”
Barber: “It ain’t that; sometimes I snip off a bit of a customer’s ear.”
“Has your husband any hobbies?” asked the neighbor who was calling.
“No,” said Mrs. Tuggle, “he has rheumatiz a good deal, and hives now and then, but he ain’t never had no hobbies.”
A Joke on Casey
Murphy: “What’s that in your pocket?”
Pat (in whisper): “Dynamite. I’m waiting for Casey. Every time he meets me he slaps me on the chest and breaks me pipe. Next time he does it, he’ll blow his hand off.”
The Soft Answer
Lincoln was remonstrating with General McClellan about the latter’s military policy. During the talk McClellan became angry and said: “Sir, do you think I’m a fool?” “Why, no,” returned Lincoln. Then with a dry smile he added: “Of course I may be mistaken.”
She: “There’s an old clothes man coming to the door.”
He: “Tell him I’ve got all I need.”
Rub: “So she refused to marry you. Didn’t you tell her about your rich uncle?”
Dub: “Yeah, I told her, and she’s my aunt now.”
History of a Panic
“Only cheese for lunch?”
“Yes, the cutlets caught fire and it spread to the apple tart, so I had to take the soup to put it out.”
Sunday School Teacher (reading of the deluge): “And then it rained for forty days and forty nights.”
Bright Pupil: “And were the farmers satisfied then, teacher?”
The Same as Prohibition
Diner – “I see that tips are forbidden here.”
Waiter– “Lor’ bless yer, mum, so was the apples in the Garden of Eden.”
A Word to the Wise
Mistress: “Mary, when you wait at table tonight for my guests, please don’t wear any jewelry.”
Maid: “I have nothing valuable, ma’am, but I thank you for the warning.”
Doctor: “Your husband must have absolute quiet. Here is a sleeping powder.”
Patient’s Wife: “And when do I give it to him?”
Doctor: “You don’t give it to him – you take it yourself.”
More on the Scotch
This month’s prize goes to the Scotchman who sent the surgeon’s bill to his father-in-law when he learned that his wife’s tonsils really should have been taken out when she was a little girl.
A Scotchman was accosted by a military picket: “Who are you?” challenged the soldier.
“I’m fine,” answered Sandy. “Hoo’s yersel’?”
A Scotsman, upon entering a saddler’s, asked for a single spur.
“What use is one spur?” asked the man.
“Well,” replied Sandy, “if I can get one side of the horse to go, the other one will hae to come wi’ it.”