Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1920 (6)
 


Funny Bones, 1920 (6)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - November 10, 2012

A Mild Assumption

“What do you regard as the greatest novel ever written?”

“Well,” replied Mr. Penwiggle, judicially, “I have it nearly completed, but I haven’t decided on a title.”

Americanization

“Who was the first man, Bobby?” asked the teacher.

“George Washington.”

“Why, Bobby, you ought to know better than that. It was Adam.”

“Aw, I wasn’t countin’ foreigners.”

Better Left Unsaid

Riggs (facetiously): “This is a picture of my wife’s first husband.”

Diggs: “Silly looking guy! But say, I didn’t know your wife was married before she met you.”

Riggs: “She wasn’t. This is a picture of myself when I was 25.”

That Would Be a Pair

Old Lady (to severely wounded soldier): “Poor man, have you lost your leg?”

Tommy: “Yes, mum.”

Old Lady: “Oh, poor fellow! Do have an apple!”

Tommy (to his chum when the old lady has departed): “Bill, I think I’ll have my other leg off before she comes next week. I might get a banana.”

Quick Action

A Yankee passenger in a train the other day was wearying his fellow passengers with tall stories and remarked, “We can start with a twelve-story hotel this month, and have it finished by next.”

This was too much for the burly Yorkshireman, who sat next to him. “Man, that’s nowt,” he said. “I’ve seen ‘em in Yorkshire when I’ve been going to work just laying the foundation stone and when I’ve been coming home at neet they’ve been putting the folk out for back rent.”

Do It Quick

Perkins: “Well, what did yuh think of my girl?”

Johnson: “Heavens! Don’t ask me!”

Perkins: “Well, beauty is only skin deep, you know!”

Johnson: “Skin her, then! Skin her!”

Jim the Janitor’s Reply

“What do you think of the candidates?”

“Well, the more I think of them the more pleased I am that only one of them can get in.”

Honk! Honk!

“Have you anything against Diddler?”

“Nothing serious.”

“Well?”

“I simply dislike the way he has of parking his six-cent cigar on the corner of my new mahogany desk when he comes in to talk business.”

Impossible

“Here,” said the irate old man in the tramcar to his little neighbor, “why don’t you sit still and be a good boy?”

“‘Cause I can’t,” was the reply.

‘Can’t be a good boy?”

“No,” answered the child. “I couldn’t be a good boy if I tried ever so hard – I’m a girl!”

Let Her Down Easy

Herman R.: “Did you make those biscuits, my dear?”

R.: “Yes, darling.”

Herman: “Well, I’d rather you would not make any more, sweetheart.”

R.: “Why not, dear?”

Herman: “Because, angel mine, you are too light for such heavy work.”

Must Be Agile

Jubb: “A scientist declares that meat eaters are more active than vegetarians.”

Bjones: “They’ve got to be to get the meat to eat.”

Cowardly

Pat: “Oi’ve traced me ancestry back to an Oirish king.”

Mike: “Sure that’s aizy. What chanst has a dead man to defend himself?”

Wretched Incapacity

“What’s the matter with your old man, Liz?”

“Why, he’s kinda downhearted. He fired into a bunch of revenue officers today and didn’t git but four of ‘em!”

Impossible

“A decent husband should give his wife all the money she wants,” argued Mrs. Gabb.

“What are you talking about?” demanded Mr. Gabb. “There isn’t that much money.”

Didn’t Forget Them

“Have you said your prayers?” asked Willie’s mother.

“Of course!”

“And did you ask to be made a better little boy?”

“Yes, and I put in a word for you and father, too.”

Historically Correct

Panhandle Pete – “What were the knights of the bath?”

Side Door Sam – “If my memory serves me right, ‘twas Saturday, was it not?”

A Willing Martyr

She: “Yes, she is a woman who has suffered a great deal because of her belief.”

He: “Indeed! And what is her belief?”

She: “That she can wear a No. 3 shoe on a No. 4 foot.”

Oriental Courtesy

Two Japs at the opening baseball game stood uncovered during the playing of “How Dry I Am,” thinking it was the American national anthem.

One Should Be Courteous

Binks: “Did I tell you of the horrible fright I got on my wedding day?”

Winks: “‘S-sh! No gentleman should speak that way of his wife.”

‘Nuff Said

Jones: “Why do you call your place a bungalow?”

Brown: “Well, if it isn’t a bungalow, what is it? The job was a bungle and I still owe for it.”

Heart-Rending

“Tell me, Mr. Wombat, of your early struggles.”

“Well, my mother says they were terrible when she wanted to scrub my ears.”

Misunderstood

“Now, Ada, I want you to show us what you can do tonight. We have a few very special friends coming for a musical evening.”

Cook – “Well, mum, I haven’t done any singin’ to speak of for years, but as you insists upon it you can put me down for ‘The ‘Oly City.’

Easy Repairs

Possibly the apex of sarcasm was reached the other day when Jones took his car to a repair shop and asked the man what was the best thing to do with it. The repair man looked the car over in silence for several minutes, after which he grasped the horn and tooted it. “You’ve a good horn there,” he remarked quietly. “Suppose you jack it up and run a new car under it?”



1 Comment »

  1. Was this posted during an election cycle?

    Comment by Julia — November 10, 2012 @ 2:35 pm

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