Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1917 (6)
 


Funny Bones, 1917 (6)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - November 03, 2012

Not So Violent

A little boy whose sole playmates and friends were two little kittens, was playing with them one day on the sidewalk, when a man came by and asked the names of the cats. The boy replied, “Tom and Jerry.” The man asked him why he did not name them Cook and Peary.

The little immediately spoke up. “These ain’t no polecats, boss.”

Tommy Knew

Teacher: “Tommy, do you know ‘How Doth the Little Busy Bee’?”

Tommy: “No; I only know he doth it!”

Started Something

Jinkson, visiting a small northwestern town, lost his pet dog, which he highly prized. He, therefore, rushed to the office of the one and only newspaper in the place and handed in an advertisement, offering $100 reward for the return of his companion.

A little later, thinking the matter over, he decided that he would be more likely to obtain the missing animal if he inserted the words: “No questions asked.”

He therefore went across to the office to see if this could be done. When he arrived only a small boy was to be seen.

“Where’s the editor?” he asked.

“Out.”

“And the assistant editor?”

“Out.”

“Well, the reporter.”

“Out.”

“I’ll see the printer, then.”

“Out.”

“Well, where on earth has the staff gone to?”

“All out looking for your dog.”

It Seemed All Right

“Bobbie, your face wants washing. Did you look at it in the glass this morning?”

“No, mother, but it seemed all right when I felt it.”

A Veiled Criticism

“You have read my new story?”

“Yes.”

“What do you think of it?”

“To be perfectly candid with you, I think the covers are too far apart.”

Funny

“Tommy,” said his mother reprovingly, “what did I say I’d do to you if I ever caught you stealing jam again?”

Tommy scratched his head with his sticky fingers.

“Why, that’s funny, ma, that you should forget it, too. Hanged if I can remember it.”

Raise Something!

Out in New Mexico even public signs come direct to the point. They do not waste any time in wondering how the reader will feel about it.

In a garage at Albuquerque is posted: “Don’t smoke round the tank! if your life isn’t worth anything, gasoline is!”

And on the wall of a barber’s shop at Taos is prominently displayed: “If you can’t raise fifteen cents, raise whiskers!”

The Merry Girl and the Parson

Edith was light-hearted and merry over everything. Nothing appealed to her seriously. So one day her mother decided to invite a very serious young parson to dinner and he was placed next to the light-hearted girl. The “Canadian Magazine” relates that everything went well until she asked him: “You speak of everyone having a mission. What is yours?” “My mission,” said the parson, “is to save young men.” “Good!” replied the girl, “I’m glad to meet you. I wish you’d save one for me.”

Misunderstood

Mistress: “Are you married?”

Maid: “No’m. I bumped into a door.”

Family Joys

Elmer Johnson says, “The first child makes a man proud, the second makes him happy, the third makes him hustle, and the fourth makes him desperate.”

Unexpected

Teacher: “Gordon, use the word ‘notwithstanding’ in a sentence.”

Gordon rose: ‘Papa wore the seat of his trousers out, but notwithstanding.”

Too Cheap

Posted on the window of a book publisher’s store was a sign: “Porter wanted,” and in the window itself on a pile of books the placard, “Dickens’ works all this week for $4.00.” An Irishman read the card first and then the placard and said, “Dickens may take the job. Dickens can work ahl the wake fer foor dollars if he wants to, but I’ll not touch it. Ye’d better kape Dickens.”

Well Flattered

Does your wife pay you any compliments?” asked Frederick Jimson of his friend, Benderley.

“Never,” replied Benderley.

“Well, mine does; she flatters me.”

“Often?”

“Oh, yes, frequently – particularly in winter,” replied Frederick.

“Why does she flatter you so much in the winter?”

“Whenever the coal fire needs replenishing she points to the fireplace and says, ‘Frederick, the grate.’”

Did He?

Thos. A. Edison says he never found the time to be tempted. Ever try stepping on a tack when walking the floor with both twins?

Horse Talk

Willie: “Pa, when has a man horse sense?”

Pa: “When he can say ‘Nay,’ my son.”

Not a Disease, a Gift

“Some un sick at yo’ house, Mis’ Carter?’ inquired Lila. “Ah seed de doctah’s kyar eroun’ dar yestiddy.”

“It was for my brother, Lila.”

“Sho! What’s he done got de matter of ‘m?”

“Nobody seems to know what the disease is. He can eat and sleep as well as ever, he stays out all day long on the veranda in the sun, and seems as well as any one; but he can’t do any work at all.”

“He cain’t – yo’ says he cain’t wuhk?”

“Not a stroke.”

“Law, Mis’ Carter, dat ain’t no disease what you brothe’ got! Dat’s a gift!”



10 Comments »

  1. “Unexpected” reminds me of a joke my third grade teacher told us:

    Judy: “Teacher, is it bad to say ‘Rotterdam’?”

    Teacher: “Why no, Rotterdam is the name of a city in Holland.”

    Judy: “Good, because Susie stole my gum and I hope it’ll Rotterdam teeth out!”

    Comment by Mina — November 3, 2012 @ 6:41 pm

  2. I would not be surprised — not very, anyway — to find that joke in the pages of the Juvenile Instructor.:)

    Comment by Ardis E. Parshall — November 3, 2012 @ 7:00 pm

  3. My husband loves these. He only reads my my blog occasionally, and my mom’s if she emails him. Other than that, he very rarely strays to other blogs, but at least once a week he asks me if the next Funnybones is up. He didn’t grow up with “clean” jokes, which makes his love of these even more of a blessing for me.

    Comment by Julia — November 3, 2012 @ 7:31 pm

  4. We’ll count him as an honorary Keepa’ninny, Julia. :) There’s something for everybody, or at least we try!

    Comment by Ardis E. Parshall — November 3, 2012 @ 7:53 pm

  5. Sounds good. I might wait until we are done moving to tell him the new status. :-)

    I was wondering, if I made Keepa’ninny notecards or magnets, besides the name and blog web address, what would belong on them? Would you be willing to have a post asking people?
    (I wouldn’t be selling them, just sending them to Keepa’ninnies for Christmas, a birthday, or just because.)

    Comment by Julia — November 3, 2012 @ 8:27 pm

  6. Sorry for my racy joke, Julia.

    (a honey bee is always appropriate in any situation, btw)

    Comment by Mina — November 3, 2012 @ 8:48 pm

  7. Mina-

    Scott stopped his super-heavy drinking about a year before we met as hiking buddies, and he stopped smoking for good a couple years before that. Since almost every joke he knew came from another drunk at the bar, most of his pre-Julia humor was not appropriate to repeat around stepchildren.

    So, when he asked my kids if they thought it would be okay to propose, one of Joshua’s concerns was if Scott was going to play the joke and mind puzzle games on long car rides. The one time he had tried to play it with us he had to stop in the middle of almost every joke when he realized the punch line was not PG-13 in content or language. Lol.

    (Scott can’t remember if that came before or after the questions about vasectomies and his views on unrighteous dominion. The kids had the explain the last one, but they agreed the persuasion and long suffering should be part of love. I think Scott was relieved to get to the jewelers to pick out a ring so the conversation got rerouted.)

    Since their agreement for Scott to “clean up” his jokes, Josh emails Scott any clean jokes he thinks are funny. Most of them are knock-knock jokes, so Funny Bones are a good break into more thoughtfulish . There are often a few details to explain before he gets the jokes though.

    I like the beehive as a possible logo/design element. I need to make new magnets for my website, since I upgraded it and took out the blogspot part of the address. I will try a couple designs for Keepa-ninnies, and everyone can see if they hate all of them, love all of them, or if there is a clear favorite. I will be making a few choices for Josh too, since he wants to be able to give out “blog cards” to people he meets that might be interested in checking out his blog.

    I am rambling, so I will stop while I am only slightly behind. :-)

    Comment by Julia — November 3, 2012 @ 11:35 pm

  8. Can anyone explain Misunderstood? It doesn’t imply spousal abuse does it? I really don’t get it.

    Comment by reed russell — November 4, 2012 @ 4:13 am

  9. “It doesn’t imply spousal abuse does it?”

    Actually it does. (!) Part of the reason these jokes are so interesting to read (besides the occasional funny one) is the great dichotomy between their content — racism, taking advantage of one another for a word, abuse, adultery, etc., etc. — and what we would currently see as appropriate for the pious pages of a church publication.

    Comment by Amy T — November 4, 2012 @ 6:13 am

  10. Reed #8
    Yes, I believe that is the only explanation that makes sense.

    There are a lot of these that would never make it into a church publication, of any type, today.

    Comment by Julia — November 4, 2012 @ 12:29 pm

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