Not So Violent
A little boy whose sole playmates and friends were two little kittens, was playing with them one day on the sidewalk, when a man came by and asked the names of the cats. The boy replied, “Tom and Jerry.” The man asked him why he did not name them Cook and Peary.
The little immediately spoke up. “These ain’t no polecats, boss.”
Teacher: “Tommy, do you know ‘How Doth the Little Busy Bee’?”
Tommy: “No; I only know he doth it!”
Jinkson, visiting a small northwestern town, lost his pet dog, which he highly prized. He, therefore, rushed to the office of the one and only newspaper in the place and handed in an advertisement, offering $100 reward for the return of his companion.
A little later, thinking the matter over, he decided that he would be more likely to obtain the missing animal if he inserted the words: “No questions asked.”
He therefore went across to the office to see if this could be done. When he arrived only a small boy was to be seen.
“Where’s the editor?” he asked.
“And the assistant editor?”
“Well, the reporter.”
“I’ll see the printer, then.”
“Well, where on earth has the staff gone to?”
“All out looking for your dog.”
It Seemed All Right
“Bobbie, your face wants washing. Did you look at it in the glass this morning?”
“No, mother, but it seemed all right when I felt it.”
A Veiled Criticism
“You have read my new story?”
“What do you think of it?”
“To be perfectly candid with you, I think the covers are too far apart.”
“Tommy,” said his mother reprovingly, “what did I say I’d do to you if I ever caught you stealing jam again?”
Tommy scratched his head with his sticky fingers.
“Why, that’s funny, ma, that you should forget it, too. Hanged if I can remember it.”
Out in New Mexico even public signs come direct to the point. They do not waste any time in wondering how the reader will feel about it.
In a garage at Albuquerque is posted: “Don’t smoke round the tank! if your life isn’t worth anything, gasoline is!”
And on the wall of a barber’s shop at Taos is prominently displayed: “If you can’t raise fifteen cents, raise whiskers!”
The Merry Girl and the Parson
Edith was light-hearted and merry over everything. Nothing appealed to her seriously. So one day her mother decided to invite a very serious young parson to dinner and he was placed next to the light-hearted girl. The “Canadian Magazine” relates that everything went well until she asked him: “You speak of everyone having a mission. What is yours?” “My mission,” said the parson, “is to save young men.” “Good!” replied the girl, “I’m glad to meet you. I wish you’d save one for me.”
Mistress: “Are you married?”
Maid: “No’m. I bumped into a door.”
Elmer Johnson says, “The first child makes a man proud, the second makes him happy, the third makes him hustle, and the fourth makes him desperate.”
Teacher: “Gordon, use the word ‘notwithstanding’ in a sentence.”
Gordon rose: ‘Papa wore the seat of his trousers out, but notwithstanding.”
Posted on the window of a book publisher’s store was a sign: “Porter wanted,” and in the window itself on a pile of books the placard, “Dickens’ works all this week for $4.00.” An Irishman read the card first and then the placard and said, “Dickens may take the job. Dickens can work ahl the wake fer foor dollars if he wants to, but I’ll not touch it. Ye’d better kape Dickens.”
Does your wife pay you any compliments?” asked Frederick Jimson of his friend, Benderley.
“Never,” replied Benderley.
“Well, mine does; she flatters me.”
“Oh, yes, frequently – particularly in winter,” replied Frederick.
“Why does she flatter you so much in the winter?”
“Whenever the coal fire needs replenishing she points to the fireplace and says, ‘Frederick, the grate.’”
Thos. A. Edison says he never found the time to be tempted. Ever try stepping on a tack when walking the floor with both twins?
Willie: “Pa, when has a man horse sense?”
Pa: “When he can say ‘Nay,’ my son.”
Not a Disease, a Gift
“Some un sick at yo’ house, Mis’ Carter?’ inquired Lila. “Ah seed de doctah’s kyar eroun’ dar yestiddy.”
“It was for my brother, Lila.”
“Sho! What’s he done got de matter of ‘m?”
“Nobody seems to know what the disease is. He can eat and sleep as well as ever, he stays out all day long on the veranda in the sun, and seems as well as any one; but he can’t do any work at all.”
“He cain’t – yo’ says he cain’t wuhk?”
“Not a stroke.”
“Law, Mis’ Carter, dat ain’t no disease what you brothe’ got! Dat’s a gift!”