A Sensitive Ear
Hubby (angrily): “Here! What do you mean by waking me out of a sound sleep?”
Wife: “Because the sound was too distressing.”
Automobile owner (after mishap in which puppy has been run over): “Madam, I will replace the animal.”
Indignant owner: “Sir, you flatter yourself.”
“I had a tough time delivering the mail yesterday,”declared the postman.
“How was that?”
“Had a bulldog and a chunk of liver in the same delivery.”
Truth in Advertising
She isn’t as pretty as she is painted; her beauty is only skin dope.
“Oh-h-h- Sandy, that popcorn smells grand!”
“Aye, it does, lass, we’ll go back and drive a wee bit closer.”
It is said in America that high heels were invented by a woman who was kissed on the forehead.
He: “What would you do if you found a horse in your bathtub?”
She: “I’d pull out the plug.”
Needed a Kiss Compass!
George (bashfully): “I s-say, Madge, w-would a kiss be out of place?”
Madge: “Well, it shouldn’t be, if you have any sense of direction.”
“I don’t mind washing the dishes for you,” wailed the hen-pecked husband. “I don’t object to sweeping the floors, but I am not going to run ribbons through my night gown just to fool the baby.”
Where? Oh, Where?
Mr. Jones: “We must economize. If I died, where would you be?”
Mrs. Jones: “Oh, I’d be all right. Where would you be?”
In the Right Place
A distinguished visitor to an insane asylum tried to telephone from there but had difficulty getting his connection. Exasperated, he shouted to the operator:
“Look here, young lady, do you know who I am?”
“No,” was the calm reply, “but I know where you are.”
The Rising Generation
Janey: “Mother, do you remember that old vase you said had been handed down from generation to generation?”
Mother: “Yes, dear; it’s very valuable.”
Janey: “Well, this generation just dropped it.”
Just the Reverse
Co-ed (sympathetically): “Did you get hurt when you were on the eleven?”
Hayton: “No, it happened while the eleven were on me.”
Try the Scales
Mrs. Askett (on phone): “I sent my little boy for two pounds of bananas and you sent only a pound and a half.”
Grocer: “My scales are all right, Mrs. Askett. Have you weighed your little boy since he got back?”
Bill: “Mamma, what becomes of a car when it gets too old to run?”
Mother: “Somebody sells it to your father.”
Do or Die
“What was the explosion on Si’s farm?”
“He fed his chickens some ‘lay or bust’ feed and one of them was a rooster.”
He Went to the Foot
The arithmetic class was learning weights and measures.
“What does milk come in?”asked the teacher.
“In pints,” ventured Betty.
“And what else?”
“I know,” shouted Johnny, who had spent the past summer on the farm, “in squirts!”
The tenderfoot, who thought he could ride, mounted a pony in front of a lot of cowboys. The pony soon threw him. “Well!” said a cowboy, helping him up. “What threw you?”
“What threw me? Why, she bucked something fearful! Didn’t you see her buck?’ cried the tenderfoot.
“Buck!” said the cowboy. “Rats! She only coughed!”
Dorothy, aged four, one of four cute little youngsters, is saying her own original prayers every evening at bedtime. Recently she prayed, “Thank you, dear Jesus, for Daddy, who makes the living, and Mama, who stops the fighting.”
Hal: “It must be awful to be a debt collector. You must be unwelcome wherever you go.”
Joe: “Not at all. Practically everybody asks me to call again.”
She’ll Say Plenty
A much too modern young woman arrived at her grandmother’s house wearing a fashionable backless evening frock.
Grannie lectured her: “It’s shameless. I dread to think what your mother would say if she saw you in that dress.”
The young miss smiled. “I dread it, too. You see, it belongs to her.”
Two ancient coins were found clasped in the hand of a skeleton unearthed during excavations in London. it is thought to be the remains of the first Scotsman to visit the metropolis.
A district having been subjected to several earthquake shocks, a married couple sent their little boy to an uncle who lived out of the danger zone. A day or two later they received a telegram:
“Am returning your boy – send earthquake.”
Hole a Day
Old Golf Club Member: “Well, what did you do it in?”
New Member: “Seventy-six.”
Old Golf Club Member: “Very good, indeed.”
New Member: “Yes, and tomorrow I’m going to play the second hole.”