Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1923 (5)
 


Funny Bones, 1923 (5)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - October 20, 2012

Weakening

A suburban chemist had been advertising his patent insect powder far and wide. One day a man dashed into his shop and said excitedly:

“Give me another half pound of your powder – quick, please!”

“Oh,” remarked the chemist as he proceeded to fill the order. “I’m glad you like the powder! Good, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” replied the customer. “I have one cockroach very ill; if I give him another half pound, I think he’ll die!”

Not Conclusive Evidence

Stonewall Jackson Smith was looking for work and Bill was asking him the usual questions:

“What’s your name?”

“Stonewall Jackson Smith, sir.”

“How old are you?”

“I’m twenty-seven years old, sir.”

“Are you married?”

“No, sir. That scar here on my head is where a mule done kicked me.”

Something Extraordinary

Have you heard of the absent-minded professor who washed his pancake and poured molasses on his face?

A Good Reason

Item from Bunkville yearly Herald – “The party at Mrs. Morton’s house last Friday night was not enjoyed very much on account of nobody being there.”

Pretty Old

“Say, Bill, have you heard about the guy that’s so lazy he gets up at five o’clock in the morning so he’ll have more time to loaf?”

“Yes! Say, the first time I heard that I almost kicked the slats out of my cradle.”

Humors of Wedded Bliss

Apple – “I was a fool when I married you!”

The Mrs. – “I knew that, dear, but I thought you would improve.”

Explained

Mrs. Carrol and her two-year-old son Jimmy were calling on Mrs. St. Clair. Mrs. St. Clair caressingly took Jimmie on her lap and looking fondly into his eyes, asked: “Where did you get those big, brown eyes?”

“Aw,” responded Jimmie, “they come with my face.”

The Honest Teacher

Miss N. (in Latin class) – “Why, class, this is the worst recitation I have ever listened to; I have had to do most of it myself.”

Retribution

“So Jobson’s stenographer has left him. What was the trouble?”

“She caught him kissing his wife.”

A Kodak Fan

“Goodness, John! How queer the baby looks. I believe he is going to have a fit!”

“By George! I believe you are right. Where is my camera?”

With the Bark On

He – “My views of bringing up a family are –”

She – “Never mind your views. I’ll bring up the family. You go and bring up the coal.”

Encouraging

He – “Why the deuce do I struggle with this piffling job?”

Fair typist – “Don’t be discouraged; think of the mighty oak – it was once a nut like you.”

Hurry!

A man was hired to carry hardware out of a ship onto a wharf. As he crossed the plank with two small anvils, one under each arm, the plank broke and he went down into the water. He came up and shouted for a rope, but no one heard him. He went down and came up the second and third time, and the last time he appeared he said, “If someone doesn’t throw me a rope pretty soon I’ll drop one of these anvils!”

In Perfect Accord

“If I were you,” he said, during a lull in the domestic storm, “I would have more sense.”

“Of course you would,” she retorted decisively.

Class in Zoology

The more than unusual lack of intelligence among the students that morning had got under the professor’s skin.

“Class is dismissed,” he said, exasperatedly. “Please don’t flap your ears as you pass out.”

Hopeless

He – “I fell off my bicycle last week and was knocked senseless.

She – “When do you expect to get better?”

Doubted Providence

Visiting Minister – “Having – er – most unfortunately lost the manuscript of my sermon for this morning, I shall trust in providence for inspiration. Tonight I shall come better prepared.”

Impartial

Fair Patient – “They tell me, doctor, you are a perfect lady-killer.

Doctor – “Oh, no – no! I assure you, my dear madam, I make no distinction between the sexes.”

Tempt Not Too Far

She – “Here’s a story of a man who sold his wife for a horse. You wouldn’t sell me for a horse, would you, darling?

He – “Of course not, dear! But I’d hate to have someone tempt me with a really good motor car!”

Mistaken Identity

He saw her sitting in the dark corner and knew that his chance had come. Noiselessly he stole up behind her, and before she was aware of his presence he had kissed her.

“How dare you!” she shrieked.

“Pardon me,” he bluffed readily. “I thought you were my sister.”

She stepped out into the light. “You silly fool,” she giggled, “I am.”

He fainted.

Helen Is Quite a Girl

Helen: “I thought you were going to kiss me when you puckered up your lips.”

Dick: “No, just a piece of grit in my teeth.”

Helen: “Food goodness sake, swallow it – You need it!”

A Dead Shot

She – “I heard you singing in your room this morning.”

He – “Oh, I sing a little to kill time.”

She – “You certainly have a good weapon.”

A Nutty Fish

Prof. – “What is an oyster?”

Stude. – “An oyster is a fish built like a nut.”

Composing

Brute – “J’ever write the words to a song?”

Stupid – “No, but I think I could.”

Brute – “Well, you write the words and we’ll go outside and get the air.”

Disappointed

Miss Playne: – “Papa declares that I am his greatest treasure.”

Mr. Blunt: – “Indeed! Then he isn’t as wealthy as I supposed.”

Naturally

Miss N.: – “Is that clear?”

R.F.: – “As clear as mud.”

Miss N.: – “Well, that covers the ground, doesn’t it?”

He Sold the Mule

Two men were dickering on the sale of a mule. “How much’ll you take for that mule, brother?” inquired the first.

“I”ll sell you that mule so cheap that you’ll feel like a horse thief.”



2 Comments »

  1. I wonder if that Kodak fan could imagine Facebook.

    Comment by Carol — October 20, 2012 @ 3:24 pm

  2. I guess it is a good thing you need money for motor cars in most dealerships. :-)

    Comment by Julia — October 21, 2012 @ 5:19 am

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