Applicant – “If I may say so, I’m pretty smart. I’ve won several cross-word and wise-crack contests.”
Employer – “Yes, but I want someone who can be smart during office hours.”
Applicant – “I did this during office hours.”
And the crime wave started with the passing of the old wood shed.
About the easiest way to get training in the latest dance motions is to turn over a bee hive – or sit in an ant bed.
“Drink to me only with thine eyes.” After drinking, you may not have any eyes.
Not Bad, Old Fellow
Jack: “What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?”
Jim: “Hailing street cars.”
Not a Cat’s Life
“But you guaranteed that this watch would last a lifetime.”
“I know– but you didn’t look very healthy the day you bought it.”
Just Built Wrong
After an epidemic of mischief the exasperated teacher grated: “Johnny, sit down in front.”
“I can’t teacher,” said Johnny. “But I can sit down in back.”
Mrs. Funk – “How long could I live without brains?’
Mr. Funk – “That remains to be seen.”
Don’t worry if your job is small
And your rewards are few,
Remember that the mighty oak
Was once a nut like you.
Doing It With Music
First Employer – “My office boy whistles while he works.”
Second Employer – “You’re lucky – mine only whistles.”
He Caressed It
“Hello, where have you been?”
“To the station to see my wife off for a month’s visit to her mother.”
“But your hands are all black!”
“I know – I patted the engine.”
“I’d die for you in a minute,”softly cooed Archibald, under the romantic moon.
‘Well,” replied Rosaline, after what seemed to him an hour, “the minute’s up.”
No Cause for Complaint
“Say, looky hya, Rastus, you know what you’re doin?” You is goin’ away fo’ a week and they ain’t a stick of wood cut for de house.”
“Well, what you all whinin’ about, woman? I ain’t takin’ de axe wid me, am I?”
Good for the Money
On the way home the father criticised the sermon. The mother found fault with the organist. The eldest daughter declared that the singing of the choir was atrocious. But the subject was suddenly dropped when the small boy of the family spoke up: “Dad, I think it was a mighty good show for a nickel!”
Danger! Keep off the Grass!
Quirk – “Isn’t Flossie a live wire?”
Snap – “Yeah, but terribly insulated!”
Two small boys returning to their school room after recess showed evidence of having been crying.
Teacher: “Percy, why are you crying?”
Percy: “Harold kicked mein the stomach!”
Teacher: “Harold, did you mean to kick Percy in the stomach?”
Harold: “Naw, I didn’t, but he turned around just as I kicked.”
Out of the Wastebasket
Mandy: “What’s de matter, Sam? Don’ yo’ love me no mo’?”
Sam: “Sho Ah does, honey. Ah’s jest restin’.”
Vick – “We just moved into a burglar-proof apartment.”
Resinol – “How do you know?”
Vick – “It couldn’t possibly accommodate another person.”
On His Way
The very modern artist was explaining his theories.
“You see,” he said, “what we aim at is the elimination of the egocentric vision, without destroying the essential unity of the subconscious reflex. Do you follow me?”
“I am well ahead of you,” said his friend.”I came out of the asylum yesterday.”
He Sang It
Among the passengers on board a ship, recently, was a man who stuttered. One day he hurried to the captain. “S-s-s-s-s,” he stuttered.
“Oh, I can’t be bothered!” said the captain, angrily. “Go to somebody else.”
The man tried to speak to every one on board, but not one would wait to hear what he had to say.
At last he came to the captain again.
“Look here,” said the captain, “I can tell you what to do when you want to say anything; sing it.”
Suddenly, in a tragic voice, the man began to sing:
“Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? The bloomin’ cook fell overboard, and is twenty miles behind.”
America isn’t a melting pot, it’s a decanter.
An Absolute Cure
The first real cure for dandruff was invented by a Frenchman. He called it the guillotine.
An Easy Solution
“What is the solution of the reckless driving problem?” asks a contemporary. It can be given in a sentence.
Figures Don’t Lie – If Remembered
A professor once spent some time figuring out why professors are absent-minded. He forgot the answer.
The Worst Yet
Mrs. Nexdore – “Did you hear that Scotty MacMean’s baby almost died of air colic?”
Mrs. Naybor – “No, how did that happen?”
Mrs. Nexdore– “MacMean thought he could fool the baby by painting its nursing bottles the color of milk.”