Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1939 (3)
 


Funny Bones, 1939 (3)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - October 06, 2012

Indian Jabber

Tourist (to Indian): “White man glad to see red man. White man hopes big Chief is feeling tip top this morning.”

Indian (calling): “Hey, Jake, come here and listen to this bozo; he’s great!”

 

The Effect of Environment

“Say, waiter, is this an incubator chicken? It tastes like it.”

“I don’t know, sir.”

“It must be. Any chicken that has a mother, could never get as tough as this one.”

Boners

The following correction appeared in a small town paper:

“Our paper carried the notice last week that Mr. John Doe is a defective in the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Doe is really a detective in the police farce.”

In Eden

Mrs. Stubblefield: “What did the minister say this morning?”

Mrs. Zimpir: “His sermon was about the Garden of Eden. I don’t think he was very nice about it, either. He reminded his congregation that Eve did not realize that she lacked clothing until she ate the apple – and then he looked right at some of us young women and said: ‘Sometimes I wish some of the women in this church would eat an apple.’”

At Every Movie

Youth (to fair companion): Have you ever tried listening to a movie with your eyes shut?”

Voice (from row behind): “Have you ever tried listening to one with your mouth shut?”

A Stalemate

Luscious Virginia ham was served for one of the courses, and the priest chuckled as he asked:

“Rabbi Cohen, when are you going to become liberal enough to eat ham?”

“At your wedding, Father Murphy,” said the Rabbi without hesitation.

Just an “L”for an “R”

The president called his office manager in and thrust a letter under his nose.

“Look at that! I thought I told you to engage a new stenographer on the basis of her grammar!”

The office manager looked startled. “Grammar? I thought you said glamour.”

At the Show

Little Mary: “Mother, when do the Indians come in?”

Mother: “Why, there are no Indians in this show, dear, what in the world made you think of that?”

Little Mary: “Well, then, who scalped all the men on the front row?”

A Vivid Imagination

As two brokers passed the Ziegfield Theatre, out stepped one of those ravishing, alluring follies beauties.

“I feel like taking her out again,” whispered one.

“Have you had her out?” asked the other.

“No – but once before I felt like it.”

A Wise Decision

Judge Duff: “Have you a lawyer, Sam?”

Sam: “Naw, suh, Jedge. We done decided to tell de troof.”

In Dangerous Waters

Slowfoot (paddling canoe): “I must warn you – one single move and this canoe will capsize.”

Maudine (after sitting perfectly still for a longtime): “Will it be all right for me to shift my gum to the other side of my mouth?”

The “Old Gag” Worked

Playfoot: “You look fed up, Mr. Wifflebotham.”

Wifflebotham: “Yes, I’ve had a trying day. That office boy of mine came to me with the old gag about getting off for his grandmother’s funeral, so just to teach him a lesson I said I’d accompany him.”

Playfoot: “Not a bad idea; but wasn’t it an exciting football game?”

Wifflebotham: “No, it was his grandmother’s funeral.”

Bringing Him Home Alive

Pat was visiting a friend in the lion country. Borrowing a gun, he set off one day in search of game. Some time after his host heard a distant report, and going to the window, spied in the distance Pat hot-footing it for home and behind him a huge lion, gaining with every step. Nearly spent, Pat reached the door in time to cry: “Quick, quick, Mike, open the door; I’m bringing him home alive.”

The Waiting Time

Insky: “When you proposed to her, I suppose she said, ‘This is so sudden’?”

Outsky: “No, she was honest about it and said, ‘The suspense has been terrible.’”

How It Happened

Bennie, aged four, met Henry, aged five, and the following conversation ensued:

“Whatsa matter your head?”

“Bumped it ona ceiling.”

“Ona stepladder?’

‘No. I was playin’ ‘ith my daddy ona floor and I was sitting on his tummy.”

“An ’nen what?”

“He sneezed.”

Robert Couldn’t Do It

Little Robert – “Ma, was Robinson Crusoe an acrobat?”

Mother – “I don’t know – why?”

Little Robert – “Well, here it reads that after he had finished his day’s work, he sat down on his chest.”

In War Time

Pete – “Ain’t it frightful, Lucas, the way eggs is rising?”

Lucas – “I should say. What is the cause of it?”

Pete– “Why, the war, of course.”

Lucas – “Great Scott! They’re not fightin’ with eggs, are they?”

Epitaph

I thought it mushroom when I found
It in the woods, forsaken;
But since I sleep beneath this mound,
I must have been mistaken.

Watering the Stock

“Where are you going with that goat, little boy?”

“Down to the lake. Come along if you wanter see some fun. This here goat has jest et a crate of sponges, and I’m goin’ down to let him drink.”

In Their Steps

“Look here now, Harold,” said a father to his little son, who was naughty. “If you don’t say your prayers you won’t go to Heaven.”

“I don’t want to go to Heaven,” sobbed the boy; “I want to go with you and mother.”

Fond Wish

“There’s one thing I want to see while I’m in Europe.”

“And that is?”

“The Hungarian goulash in session.”



4 Comments »

  1. Wow, this mix has some real gems in it!

    Comment by Mina — October 6, 2012 @ 12:26 pm

  2. That first one is a slapback at a lot of the ethnic jokes in these columns, no?

    Comment by Ardis E. Parshall — October 6, 2012 @ 12:37 pm

  3. Yes! And it was my favorite with shut your pie hole at the movies coming in second…

    Comment by Mina — October 6, 2012 @ 3:27 pm

  4. This is my favorite collection for a long time. A couple of laugh-out-louders!

    Comment by CS Eric — October 7, 2012 @ 8:35 am

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