“Pat, what in the world is the matter?’
“I just got out of the hospital–I was operated on for appendicitis.”
“What’s that got to do with the lump on your head?”
“A lot. They ran out of ether.”
Finding the “Pluckee,” Eh?
The Old ‘Un: “Pluck, my boy, pluck; that is the one essential to success in business.”
The Young ‘Un: “Yes, of course, I know that. the trouble is finding some one to pluck.”
Modern Business Correspondence
“Jones is the most brutally frank businessman in town.”
“When he remits in payment he writes,’You have already found the enclosed check’.”
Judge: “The complainant says you tried to speak to her on the street.”
Accused: “I was looking for my cousin whom I had never seen before, but who had been described to me as a beautiful brunette with a perfect figure, irresistible manner, wonderful clothes and – ”
Girl: “Your honor, I don’t care to prosecute the gentleman. Anyone might have made the same mistake.”
What a Break
Mrs. Blabber – “You’re looking very happy this morning. Have you had good news?”
Mrs. Gabber – “Just wonderful! My husband has just had a nervous breakdown and we’re going to Florida for the winter.”
Mr. Blinks was busily engaged with a spade in the mud beside his car when a stranger hailed him. “Stuck in the mud?” he asked.
“Oh, no!” replied Mr. Blinks cheerily. “My engine died here and I’m digging a grave for it.”
Well, Now –
Lady of the House (to the new maid): “In the time it takes to tell you just how I want the work done, I could do it myself.”
Maid: “And in the time it takes to listen to you so could I!”
Earning a Degree
A young man arrived home after having received the degree of M.A. for graduate work at college.
“I suppose Robert will be looking for a Ph.D. next,” said a friend of the family to father.
“No,” was the reply, “he will be looking for a J.O.B.”
Grammar and Graft
“I hear you is gwinter pay me dat dollar you owes me. Is that so?”
“I ain’t sayin’ I ain’t.”
“I ain’t ask you is you ain’t; I ask you ain’t you is.”
If Not Older
A maiden lady of uncertain years became very indignant when the census taker asked how old she was.
“Did you ask the girls next door,” she demanded, “the Hill twins?”
“Certainly,”replied the census man.
“And did they tell you their age?”
“Well,” she snapped, “I’m just as old as they are.”
“Oh, very well,” replied the census man; and he wrote in his book, “Sarah Stokes, as old as the Hills.”
He: “What would you do if you found a horse in your bathtub?”
She: “I’d pull out the plug.”
Sign in a Cemetery
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM
PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY
BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES
Yes, He Won!
Considering the easy life he is leading at Doorn, the world may be ready to admit that Wilhelm won the war.– Indianapolis Star.
“Mary,” said Mrs. Alden to her cook, “I wonder if the pudding is done. Stick a knife in it and see if it comes out clean.”
A few minutes later: “It comes out wonderful, ma’am,” announced the cook,”so I’ve stuck all the other knives in it.”
“Does your man work, Mrs. Waggs?”
“Oh, yes, he peddles balloons whenever there’s a parade in town. What does your husband do?”
“He sells smoked glasses during the eclipses of the sun.”
Sign of Prosperity
An old gentleman down in Peoria, Illinois, wrote to Merle H. Thorpe, editor of “Nation’s Business,” that he could tell when the depression was over. He said that he had been through four panics and had found by experience that a panic ended just about the time he had worn out three pairs of pants. Writing to Thorpe, he said: “I know it is over because my third pair of pants is getting so thin now that when I sit upon a nickel in my hind pocket I can tell whether it’s heads or tails.”
Those Funny College Fellers
Tailor: “Why don’t you like the pants? They fit like a glove.”
Freddie the Freshman: “I know … but I want them to fit like pants.”
There had been several premonitory tremblings in a certain district, so a married couple sent their little boy to an uncle who lived out of the earthquake danger zone. A day or two later they received a telegram:
“Am returning your boy. Send earthquake.”
A few minutes after an alarm of fire was given in a hotel, one of the guests joined the group that was watching and chaffed them on their apparent excitement.
“There was nothing to be excited about,” he said.”I took my time dressing, lighted a cigar, didn’t like the knot in my tie, so tied it over again – that’s how cool I was.”
“Fine,” one of his friends remarked, “but why didn’t you put on your pants?”
Strategy Is Strategy
“Here, young man, you shouldn’t hit that boy when he’s down.”
“G’wan! What do you think I got him down for?”
The Truth Comes Out
“Your teeth are like the stars,” he said,
And pressed her hand so white.
He spoke the truth, for like the stars,
Her teeth came out at night.
“Johnny, who taught you to use those dreadful words?”
“Santa Claus, mamma.”
“Yes, mamma, when he fell over a chair in my room on Christmas Eve.”