Tommy de Peyster – “My brother made ugly faces at you yesterday and you didn’t darst to fight. You pretended you didn’t notice ‘im.”
Eddie Tuffnut – “I didn’t, either. I thought they was natural.”
“You look like a kind-hearted little lad,” remarked the stranger as he patted the street gamin on the head.
“That’s me,” responded the youngster with much promptness. “I’ll give yer anything I’ve got.”
“Ah, what a noble lad!”
“Yes, but I haven’t got anything but the measles.”
Stopped Him in Time
“It is time,” said the speaker, “that we had a moral awakening in this town. Let us gird up our loins. Let us take off our coats. Let us bare our arms. Let us –”
“Hold on now,” screamed an angular lady, who was seated near the platform, “If this is to be a moral awakening, don’t you dare to propose to take off another thing.”
Out of Date
“I am going to ask your father tonight for your hand in marriage.”
“How dreadfully old-fashioned you are.”
“In what way?”
“Don’t ask him; tell him.”
A well-known judge entered a well-known restaurant.
“Will you try our turtle soup, sir?” asked the waiter.
“I have tried,” said the judge, “and my verdict is that the turtle has proved an alibi.”
Dreamer – “Did you ever think what you would do if you had Rockefeller’s income?”
Mugley – “Yes; and I’ve often wondered what he’d do if he had mine.”
She – “Is she a suffragette?”
He – “Yes.”
She – “And what is her husband?”
He – “A sufferer.”
“You are the first man I ever permitted to kiss me.”
“And you are the first girl I ever kissed. Will you marry me?”
“I wouldn’t marry a liar.”
Johnny – “Grandpa, do lions go to heaven?”
Grandpa – “No, Johnny.”
Johnny – “Well, do ministers?”
Grandpa – “Why, of course. Why do you ask?”
Johnny – “Well, suppose a lion eats a minister?”
Oh, happy, happy school days!
Refused to Be Aureoled
Sunday School Teacher – “If you are a good boy, Willie, you will go to heaven and have a gold crown on your head.”
Willie – “Not for me, then. I had one of them things put on a tooth once.”
Prospective Tenant – “What beautiful cupboards this flat has!”
Landlord – “I – I – er – Madame, those are the bedrooms.”
“The baby likes to play with my hair.”
“But aren’t you afraid he’ll muss it, dragging it all over the floor?
Willie – “Mamma, am I descended from monkeys?”
Mother – “I don’t know, dear. I never saw any of your father’s relations.”
Cholly – “I’m doing my best to get ahead.”
Miss Sharpe – “Well, heaven knows you need one.”
Can’t Stop Them
During a railroad strike a paper-mill engineer was put on a locomotive. He could start and reverse, but could not stop. He ran into the round-house, reversed, and ran out again, a dozen times. When they said things to him he exploded:
“Well, hang it, I had her in all right! Why didn’t you shut the door?”
Necessary to Finish the Job
The doctor was worried about the condition of his patient. “I think I shall have to call in some other physicians for consultation.”
“That’s right; go ahead,” said the patient, quite cheerfully. “Get as many accomplices as you can.”
“How often does your road kill a man?” asked a facetious traveling salesman of a Central Branch conductor, the other day.
“Just once,” replied the conductor.
The Rest Was Laughter
“O, dear!” cried Mrs. Mason, seizing a spoon and bending over a dish on the supper table. “Here’s a fly in my preserves.”
“I’ll bet he never got in a worse jam in his life,” hazarded Mr. Mason.
“Hello, Jones! You wearing glasses! What’s that for?”
Jones, annoyed at the foolishness of the question, answered irritably, “Corns.”
Wanted Them Permanently
A young gentleman of the colored persuasion had promised his girl a pair of long white gloves for a Christmas gift. Entering a large department store, he at last found the counter where these goods were displayed, and, approaching rather hesitatingly, remarked, “Ah want a pair of gloves.”
“How long do you want them?” inquired the business-like clerk.
“Ah doesn’t want fo’ to rent ‘em; ah wants fo’ to buy ‘em,” replied the other, indignantly.
Just as Good as Ever, Too
An old physician of the last generation was noted for his brusque manner and old-fashioned methods. One time a lady called him in to treat her baby who was slightly ailing. The doctor prescribed castor oil.
“But Doctor,” protested the young mother, “castor oil is such an old-fashioned remedy.”
“Madam,” replied the doctor, “babies are old-fashioned things.”
And She Was All Right
“The other day,” said a man passenger in a street-car, “I saw a woman in a street-car open a satchel and take out a purse, close the satchel and open the purse, take out a dime and close the purse, open the satchel and put in the purse. Then she gave the dime to the conductor and took a nickel in exchange. Then she opened the satchel and took out the purse, closed the satchel and opened the purse, put in the nickel and closed the purse, opened the satchel and put in the purse, closed the satchel and locked both ends. Then she felt to see if her back hair was all right, and it was all right, and she was all right. That was a woman.”
As Willie Had Observed
“What little boy can tell me the difference between the ‘quick’ and the ‘dead?” asked the Sunday School teacher.
Willie waved his hand frantically.
“Please, ma’am, the quick are the ones that get out of the way of automobiles; the dead are the ones that don’t.”