Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1932 (2)
 


Funny Bones, 1932 (2)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - September 15, 2012

A Natural Tendency

Feminine Patient: “Doctor, why does a small cavity feel so large to the tongue?”

Dentist: “Just the natural tendency of your tongue to exaggerate, I suppose.”

Uncertain

Joe: “Was your uncle’s mind vigorous and sane up to the last?”

Jack: “I don’t know – the will won’t be read ‘till tomorrow.”

The Way She Felt

Lecturer: “Now, ladies, I shall feel my talk has been a failure if I have not convinced you that you should ‘mother’ your husbands. Who will promise to go home from this meeting and mother her husband?”

Small Woman in Back Row: “I will.”

Lecturer: “That is fine! And you will go home tonight, determined to mother your husband?”

Small Woman: “Mother him! I should say not! I thought you said smother him!”

How to Reduce

Motor Tourist: “That garage man says we’re carrying entirely too heavy a load.”

Back Seat Driver: “Could you throw out the clutch, dear?”

An Extinct Race

“What are diplomatic relations, pop?”

“There are no such people, my boy.”

Now Will You Be Good?

She: “How did you get the habit of wearing your hair so long?”

He: “Oh, it just grew on me.”

Never Satisfied

Football player (to his mother): “Gosh, this spaghetti reminds me of football.”

Mother: “Why?”

Son: “Always ten more yards to go.”

Why Some Children are “Backward”

“How old are you, my little man?”

“I don’t know. Mother was twenty-six when I was born, but now she’s only twenty-four.”

Quite Plausible

Farmer: “What are you doing up my apple tree?”

Small Boy: “Believe it or not, mister, I just fell out of an aeroplane.”

Absent Minded

“Imagine my embarrassment,” said Dumb Dora, “when, according to my usual custom, I looked under the bed before retiring. I had forgotten that I was in an upper berth.”

In Retrospect

“I’ll bet you never saw dancing like this when you were a young man,” prattled the girls, artlessly.

“Just once,” replied Grandpa, reflectively, “but the place was raided.”

At the U.

Freshman: “I don’t know.”

Sophomore: “I am not prepared.”

Junior: “I do not remember.”

Senior: “I don’t believe I can add anything to what has already been said.”

Slow Again

“How did they treat you in Scotland?”

“Reluctantly.”

Bert, How Could You?

Bert: “I’m twenty-one today but I can’t vote.”

Bob: “Why?”

Bert: “There’s no election on.”

Must Have Aid

Remember this: A woman can’t even make a fool out of a man unless she has cooperation.

Any Change an Improvement

Spiritualistic lady has just called up her husband, who is dead:

Lady: “John, dear, is that you?”

John: “Yes, my dear.”

Lady: “John, are you happy?”

John: “Yes, my dear.”

Lady: “John, dear, are you happier than you were on earth with me?”

John: “Yes, my dear.”

Lady (sighing): “Heaven must be a wonderful place.”

John: “I’m not there, Mary.”

Used His Head

A hardware man advertised for a store boy. The next morning there were some fifty boys in line. He was about to begin examining the applicants when his clerk handed him a card on which was scribbled:

“Don’t do anything until you see me. I’m the last in the line, but I’m telling you, I’m there with the goods.

His One Fear

The little girl was a very timid little soul, and her father was trying to reason her out of her fears. He tried to tell her that there was nothing to fear in mice and frogs and bugs.

“Papa,” she asked, “ain’t you ‘fraid of bugs?”

“No, dear.”

“Ain’t you ‘fraid of snakes?”

“No, dear.”

“Papa, ain’t you ‘fraid of nothing else in the whole world but just mamma?”

Danger

An Irishman visiting a friend in the hospital began to take an interest in the other patients. “What are you in here for?” he asked one.

“I’ve got tonsillitis and I’ve got to have my tonsils cut out,” was the answer.

“And you?” he asked another.

“I’ve got blood poisoning in my right arm, and they’re going to cut it off,” he replied.

Begorra!” said Pat, in horror, “this ain’t no place for me. I’ve got a cold in my head.”

An Empty Pen

One fellow was giving another a lecture on ignorance. “Yo’ is so dumb,” he said,”dat if yo’ brains was ink an’ somebody done used yo’ nose fo’ a fountain pen, dey couldn’t even make a period.”



2 Comments »

  1. I really appreciated the “must have aid.”

    Comment by Julia — September 15, 2012 @ 6:31 am

  2. “Any change an improvement” got a real chuckle out of me.

    Comment by Mina — September 15, 2012 @ 2:09 pm

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