Misplaced Confidence

A fellow drank some gasoline
To see how it would taste;
Then lit a match to light his fag,
And littered up the place.

Sh! Robbers!

A Congressman’s wife, waking him in the middle of the night, told him there were robbers in the house.

“Impossible,” said the Congressman.” There may be robbers in the Senate, but not in the House.”

Not His Idea

First Mechanic: “You mean to tell me you work until six o’clock every night? Why, I wouldn’t think of doing that.”

Second Mechanic: “Neither would I; it’s the boss’s idea.”

His Generous Bequest

“I hear that Jones left everything he had to an orphan asylum.”

“Is that so? What did he leave?”

“Twelve children.”

It All Depends

Frankie: “Dad, what do you call a man who drives a car?”

Dad: “It all depends on how close he comes to me, my boy.”

Proof Positive

Wife: “What makes you think we are getting near a big city, dear?”

Motorist (doing 70): “We’re hitting more people.”

Salesmanship

Tourist: “Are those eggs strictly fresh?”

Farmer (to hired man): “Feel those eggs, Jake, and see if they’re cool enough to sell yet.”

Wise Neighbor

Mother: “I don’t think the man upstairs likes Johnnie to play on his drum.”

Father: “Why?”

Mother: “Well, this afternoon he gave Johnnie a knife and asked him if he knew what was inside the drum.”

The Last Word

Th’ only thing thet ever has th’ last word with Elviry Higgins is her echo.

A Flippant Student

Teacher: “Donald, give me a sentence containing ‘flippancy.’”

Donald: “Let’s flip n’ see whether I pass or flunk.”

Then Grandma Did Something

“Grandma, did you like that gumdrop?”

“Yes, I liked it very much, dear.”

“Well, Towser didn’t. He spit it out twice.”

Waiting

Aunt Anna asked her little nephew what he would like to give his cousin for his birthday.

“I know,” he answered, “but I ain’t big enough.”

Erased

“Is there any soup on the bill of fare?”

“There was, sir, but I wiped it off.”

That Worm

Mary (Passing Jimmy): “Awful worm, isn’t he?”

Ilene: “Yes – don’t look around, dear – he’s sure to turn.”

Within the Limit

Father: “What’s this I hear about your owing a lot of money around college?”

Son: “Nothing serious, Dad. I owe nothing but what with diligence, economy and stern self-denial you will be able to pay off in time.”

Might Take a Chance

Billy: “Grandma, can you help me with this problem?”

Grandma: “I could dear, but I don’t think it would be right.”

Billy: “No, I don’t suppose it would, but take a crack at it and see.”

Doubtful Approval

“Do you think they approved of my sermon?” asked the new missionary, hopeful that he made a good impression.

“Yes, I think so,” replied his wife; “they were all nodding.”

Right

“If you cut the lungs of a dog open, what would you find?”

“The seat of his pants.”

The Tempter

“Now, Willie, I told you not to go in swimming.”

“I know, Ma, but Satan tempted me.”

“Why didn’t you tell Satan to get behind you?”

“I did, and he kicked me in.”

Mother Machree, 1939

Sure, I love your new permanent wave and bobbed hair,
And the brows still left standing and penciled with care;
I miss the dear face that was lifted for me–
Ah, who’d guess that, in shorts, dear, you’re Mother Machree!

And Goes Farther

“Poppa, what’s a millennium?”

“Rastus, dat is de same thing as a centennial, ’cept it’s got more legs.”

Cause and Effect

He: “What happened when the boss caught you reading a novel instead of doing your work?”

She: “I lost my place.”

Government Aid

An Irish soldier in France during the Great War received a letter from his wife saying there wasn’t an able-bodied man left, and she was going to dig the garden herself. Dan wrote at the beginning of his next letter: “Bridget, for heaven’s sake, don’t dig the garden; that’s where the guns are.”

The letter was duly censored, and in a short time a lorry load of men in khaki arrived at Dan’s home and proceeded to dig the garden from end to end.

Bridget wrote in desperation, saying that she didn’t know what to do, for the soldiers had dug up the garden.

Dan’s reply was short and to the point– “Put in the spuds.”

The Cause

Dictor: “What can be the cause of that crowd over there?”

Demog: “I can’t imagine. Vulgar curiosity, I presume.”

Dictor: “Let’s go over and see.”