They Aren’t So Dry
“A good chef gets more than a college professor.”
“Why shouldn’t he? A lot more people take his courses.”
Sure of a Fresh One
Waiter (observing that something is wrong): “Shall I get you another egg, sir?”
Diner: “No, never mind. This one will lay it pretty soon.”
“Sir, would you give five dollars to bury a saxophone player?”
“Here’s thirty dollars. Bury six of ‘em.”
Wife: “Some things go without saying.”
Hub: “Yes, my dear, but your tongue isn’t one of them.”
Old But Reliable
Judge: “The prisoner seems to have been drugged,.”
Irish Cop: “To be sure, yer honor, I drug him five blocks to the court house.”
Cloak-Room Attendant: “Aren’t you going to give me a tip? Why the champion skinflint of the town gives me a penny!”
Irascible Old Gentleman: “He does? Well, gaze upon the new champion.”
The man from Montana was comparing notes with a long, lean, lank Texan.
“Ever hev any trouble with hoss thieves?’ asked the man from Montana.
“Wal, yes – once,” drawled the Texan. “The cussed rope broke!”
Not So Dumb!
“I don’t suppose you keep anything so civilized as dog biscuits in this one-horse, run-down, hay town, do you?” the tourist snarled.
“Oh, yes, stranger,” the village merchant responded pleasantly. “Quite a few folks like you come through from the city and we aim to have everything called for. Have ‘em in a bag or eat ‘em here?”
He (awkwardly): “Would you be mad if I asked you to be my wife?”
She: “Not at all; but I’d be mad if I said yes.”
Still of Same Opinion
He: “Before we were married you used to say there wasn’t another man like me in the world.”
She: “I know, and now I should hate to think there was.”
Betsy, an old cook, was moaning around the kitchen one day when her mistress asked her if she was ill.
“No, ma’am, not ‘zactly,” said Betsy. “But the fac’ is, I don’t feel ambition ‘nough to git outer my own way.”
Contempt of Court?
“Tell what your husband said to you,” demanded the court.
“Oh, I can’t,” said the witness. “It isn’t fit for decent people to hear.”
“All right,” said the judge, “just lean over here and whisper it to me.”
Wanted an Encore
At an Advertising Club luncheon the principal speaker was exceedingly long-winded. The chairman, becoming annoyed by the ever-increasing disorder, gave a tremendous thump on the table with his gavel. Off flew the gavel head, coming to rest swiftly ans surely upon the bald cranium of a very bored man, who without even a groan, slid under the table. Upon being told the victim was regaining consciousness, the speaker went on again.
“Sputtering mud,” said the stricken one upon opening his eyes. “I still hear his voice. Hit me again.”
A Matter of Taste
Q: “What color is best for a bride?’
A. “I would prefer a white one.”
Professor: “When you examine patient’s lungs with a microscope what do you see?”
Smart Pupil: “The seat of his pants.”
A Slow Process
Diner: “Waiter, it’s been half an hour since I ordered that turtle soup.”
Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but you know how turtles are.”
A Mooted Question
Professor: “I will use my hat to represent the planet Mars. Is there any question before I go on?”
Student: “Yes! Is Mars inhabited?”
George and the Dragon
George: “Did you sound the family about our marriage?”
Georgette: “Yes, and Dad sounded the worst.”
Wrong Again, George
She: “You remind me of the wild sea waves.”
He: “Oh-h-h, because I am so restless and unconquered?”
She: “No. Because you make me sick.”
“There is too much system in this school business!” growled Tommy. “Just because I snickered a little, the monitor turned me over to the teacher, the teacher turned me over to the principal and the principal turned me over to pa.”
“Was that all?”
“No; pa turned me over his knee.”
“We had a burglar in our house last night.”
“Did he get anything?”
“I should say he did. My wife thought it was me coming in late from the lodge, and he’s in the hospital.”
That Foolish Question
Farmer (to airman who has come to a disastrous crash in the home meadow): “Had an accident, didn’t yer?”
Airman: “Oh, no! – I’ve just come down to lay an egg.”
Mr. Eatonian: “The secret of my health is eatin’ lots of onions every day.”
Mr. Smelonion: “Why refer to it as a secret?”
A Fair Split
Doctor: “I’ll examine you for fifteen dollars.”
Patient: “All right, Doctor; and if you find it, we’ll split fifty-fifty.”
Making It Pay
The average woman has a vocabulary of only eight hundred words. It is a small stock, but think of the turnover.