Artist: “What’s the matter? It’s a good joke, isn’t it?”
“It’s a very good joke. The first time I heard that joke I laughed till the tears rolled down my pinafore.”
Cheerful One (to newcomer, on being asked what the trenches are like): “If yer stands up yer gets sniped; if yer keeps down yer gets drowned; if yer moves about yer gets shelled; and if yer stands still yer gets court-martialed for frostbite.”
A Small Package
The minister of a small Missouri town called the grocer on the telephone the other day and gave him the following order:
“Send a dollar’s worth of meat out to my house. If there is no one at home, just poke it through the keyhole.”
“Come home an’ take supper wid me, Flannigan.”
“Shure it’s past yer supper time an’ it’s furious yer wife’ll be.”
“That’s just it; she can’t lick the two av us.”
“There was a wonderful rain scene in the play last night.”
“I should say it was. why, when the rain storm came up my corns began to hurt me.”
An Excellent Remedy
“Doctor,” said a worried-looking man who had called to consult him, “I’m a victim of insomnia. I can’t sleep if there’s the least noise – such as a cat on the back garden wall, for instance.”
“This powder will be effective,” remarked the physician after writing a prescription.
“When do I take it, doctor?”
“You don’t take it. Give it to the cat in a little milk!”
Among the passengers on a train on a one-track road in the Middle West was a talkative jewelry drummer.
Presently the train stopped to take on water, and the conductor neglected to send back a flagman. An express came along, and, before it could be stopped, bumped the rear end of the first train.
The drummer was lifted from his seat and pitched head first into the seat ahead. His silk hat was jammed clear down over his ears.
He picked himself up and settled back in his seat. No bones had been broken. He drew a long breath, straightened up, and said:
“Well, they didn’t get by us, anyway.”
Sunday School Teacher: “Can you tell me who dwelt in the garden of Eden?”
Little May: “Yes, ma’am – the Adamses.”
Pupil: “Teacher, may I be absent this afternoon? My aunt’s cousin is dead.”
Teacher: “Well – yes – I suppose so; but really I wish it was some nearer relative.”
His Turn Soon
Diner: “See here, where are those oysters I ordered on the half shell?”
Waiter: “Don’t get impatient, sah. We’re dreffle short on shells, but you’re next, sah.”
Her Chance Good
“It’s a case of love at first sight.”
“Well, maybe it will work out all right. I took four years to select my husband and look what I got.”
A Wise Kid
“Johnny, do you know that your mother has been looking for you?” asked the neighbor next door.
“Sure I do,” replied Johnny; “that’s the reason she can’t find me.”
Anyway He Was a Runner
“Are you a good runner?” asked a farmer of a student applying for a job on his ranch.
The student said he was.
“Well,” said the farmer, “you can round up the sheep.”
After several hours the student returned, perspiring and out of breath.
“I got the sheep all right,” he reported, “but I had a fierce time getting the lambs.”
“The lambs?” said the farmer. “I haven’t any lambs.”
“Well,” replied the student, “they’re in the corral.” Thereupon the farmer went to investigate. In the corral with the exhausted sheep he found half a dozen panting jackrabbits.
Waiter: “And will you take the macaroni au gratin, sir?”
Officer: “No macaroni – by gad. It’s too doocid difficult to mobilize.”
Brown: “Quite a coincidence, isn’t it?”
Brown: “Why, Miss Summers opens at the Winter Garden, in the Spring Maid, this Fall.”
“Why,” asks a Missouri paper, “does Missouri stand at the head in raising mules?”
“Because,” says another paper, “that is the only safe place to stand.”
Stranger: “Seventeen years ago I landed here in your town broke. I struck you for a dollar. You gave it to me, saying you never turned a request like that down.”
Citizen (eagerly): “Yes?”
Stranger: “Well, are you still game?”
Little drops of water in the can of milk,
Bring the milkman’s daughter pretty gowns of silk.
Not What He Meant
Brother B was a local preacher. He was called out to preach at a number of nearby churches. While at one, Mr. F and his little son A heard him preach. As Bro. B arose to his feet, he said: “Brothers and sisters, I feel pretty weak and I trust that you will give me an interest in your faith and prayer,” etc.; then continued to speak for an hour. This made quite an impression on Master A’s mind, so much that just as soon as meeting was over, he said to his father: “Didn’t Bro. B talk a long time for feeling as weak as he was.”
Mother: “If you fell in the water, why are your clothes dry?”
Tommy: “I took ‘em off in case of accident.”
The Humble Follower
Auntie (explaining the Biblical story) – “Lot was told to take his wife and daughters and flee. There’s Lot; there is his wife; and there are his daughters, a little way behind.”
The Small Nephew: “Yes, but where’s the flea?”
Lots of Turns
Johnnie: “I ain’t goin’ to school any more. Just because I snickered a little the teacher turned me over to the principal and the principal turned me over to Pa!”
Mother: “Was that all?”
Johnnie: “No; Pa just turned me over his knee.”
“Can you tell me,” said the court, addressing Enrico Ufuzzi, under examination at Union Hill, New Jersey, as to his qualifications for citizenship, “the difference between the powers and prerogatives of the King of England and those of the President of the United States”
“Yezzir,” spoke up Ufuzzi, promptly. “King, he got steady job.”
Nothing on Him
Two boys were having an argument concerning their respective strength.
“Why,” said John, “I go to the well and pull up ninety gallons of water every morning.”
“That’s nothing,” replied Bob; “I get a boat every morning and pull up the river.”
Two burly bricklayers were fighting furiously. At last one got the other down on the ground and began jumping on his chest.
“Here, Bill,” gasped the man on the ground, “that ain’t fair. This is nothing but a fight – it ain’t football!”
Where Bobbie Fell Down
“We dined out last night. Bobbie disgraced us as usual.”
“How was that?”
“He got to the end of the dinner with three forks and two spoons still unused.”