What time is it, kiddos? Time for jokes from the old Church magazines, this time from 1929:
A Good Start
Sandy MacTavish got married. He went to Niagara Falls on his honeymoon. While strolling around the Falls he met a friend. After congratulating Sandy, the friend asked, “And where is the little bride, back at the hotel?”
“Oh, no,” replied Sandy. “I left her back in Philadelphia. She’s seen the Falls.”
Hostess (at children’s party): “Won’t you have another piece of cake, Alice?”
Alice (who had promised mother not to answer “yes”): “Well, the idea is not repugnant to me.”
A revival was raging in a colored church. The fruits had been considerable. One obdurate soul, however, resisted the efforts of the elder. Called to account for his reluctance, he replied: “You see how it is, Elder. I’ve got a problem. I don’t see how I’m going to get to Glory with my coat over my wings.”
“That ain’t your problem, retorted the exhorter promptly. “Your problem is how you’re going to get your hat on over your horns.”
An “Affinity” is a woman who will cook your goose but not your dinner.
Waiter: “Shall I bring you another egg for that one, sir?”
Diner: “No, this one will lay another pretty soon.”
Shaking the Incumbrance
Father: “There was something funny about you last night, daughter.”
Offspring: “I know, but I sent him home as early as I could.”
Lady: “Didn’t I give you a piece of pie last week?”
Tramp: “Yes, mum, dat was fer a friend o’ mine.”
Tramp: “Yes, it was, lady. See de crepe on me sleeve?”
Lady of House: “Haven’t you any trade or profession, my good man?”
Weary Willie: “I was a very fine musician wunst – I played the oboe, but I hurted me eyesight lookin’ fer de rests in de music.”
Kind Old Gentleman: “What do you call those two kittens, Johnny?”
Small Boy: “I call ‘em Tom and Harry.”
K.O.G.: “Why don’t you name them Cook and Peary, after the great explorers?”
S.B.: “Aw, go on, mister; these ain’t pole cats.”
He Had Nothing on Mother
“With a single stroke of a brush,” said the school teacher, taking his class round the National Gallery, “Joshua Reynolds could change a smiling face to a frowning one.”
“So can my mother,” said a small boy.
Hot Time in the Old Town
A doctor, walking home late one night saw a fine auto parked outside a cemetery. He hid behind a tree, for he suspected that body-snatchers were at work; and, sure enough, in a few minutes he saw two body-snatchers stagger from the cemetery carrying a body. They placed it upright in the auto, as though it were alive, propping it securely in the back seat, and then they hurried back to the cemetery to fill the violated grave again.
The doctor in their absence lifted the body out of the auto, hid it under a hedge, and took its place himself. Soon the scoundrels returned. One seated himself at the steering wheel and the other seated himself in the back seat, beside the body, so as to support it. Then, in the darkness, they drove off.
After a while the man in the rear seat said in a rather awed tone: “This body seems mighty warm for a corpse.”
The chauffeur reached back his hand and touched it. “Don’t it, though!” he muttered, between perplexity and fear.
Then the corpse, in deep, sepulchral tones, exclaimed: “Warm? Of course I’m warm. And if you had been where I’ve been for the last two days, you’d be warm, too!”
With loud yells of horror the body-snatchers leaped from the auto and fled. The doctor took possession of the machine and drove it home. He has it, they say, still.
“Harold,” asked the teacher, “in the sentence, ‘I saw the girl get on the street car,’ how many I’s would you use?”
“Both of ‘em, teacher,” replied Harold.
Customer (on Sunday morning): “Give me change for a dime, please.”
Druggist: “Sure; and I hope you enjoy the sermon.”
“Winifred swears she never has been kissed by a man.”
“Well, isn’t that enough to make any girl swear?”
Rookie: “I’d like to have a new pair of shoes, sir.”
Sergeant: “Are your shoes worn out?”
Rookie: “Worn out?! Man, the bottoms of my shoes are so thin I can step on a dime and tell whether it’s heads or tails.”
Improve Your Aim
“I see you have a sign in your store, ‘We Aim to Please’,” remarked the irritated customer.
“Certainly,” replied the proprietor, “that is our motto.”
“Well,” retorted the I.C., “you ought to take a little time off for target practice.”
No Time for Levity
The storm increased in violence. The captain, feeling that his ship was in danger, sent up a signal of distress – a rocket.
“Captain,” said the solemn-faced individual at his side, “I’d be the last man on earth to cast a damper on anyone, but it seems to me that this is no time to be shooting fireworks.”
Another on Sandy
Hinky: “What makes so many Scotchmen humorous?”
Dinky: “You see, it’s a gift.”
Grandma: “People don’t seem to marry as young as they did when I was a girl.”
Grandflapper: “No, old dear, but they do it oftener.”
Here lies the bullet riddled corpse
Of Thomas J. McBluff.
He held five lovely aces –
Four would have been enough.
Jimmie: “Pa, a man’s wife is his better half, isn’t she?”
Pa: “They are generally referred to as such.”
Jimmie: “Then, if a man marries twice, there isn’t anything left of him, is there?”