Unfortunate Birthday Wishes
Friend: “How did you get that black eye, Mrs. Higgins?”
Mrs. H.: “Me ‘usband came out of jail on ‘is birthday.”
Mrs. H.: “And I wished ‘im many ‘appy returns.”
“I’m sorry,” said a diner, who hoped to get away with it, “but I haven’t any money to pay for the dinner I’ve eaten.”
“Oh, that’s all right,” said the manager. “We’ll just write your name on the wall, and you can pay the next time you come in.”
“You can’t do that – why, everybody who comes in will see it.”
“No, they won’t. Your overcoat will be hanging over it.”
A man may have more courage than a woman, but he doesn’t have half the chance to show his backbone.
Tailor: “And how would you like a belt in the back mit a cuff in the pants?”
Irritated Customer: “How would you like a sock in the nose?”
“I’ve made the tea for the guests, Ma’am.”
“Then you found the tea strainer we mislaid?”
“No – but I used the fly swatter.”
“Oh, don’t worry – I used the old one.”
“Is you de judge of reprobates?”
“Well, Madam, I am the probate judge, if that is what you mean.”
“Yes, sir, that’s it, I ‘spects. Well, Mister Judge, it’s like this – my husban’ has done died detested, and left me with seven little infidels, and I wants to be appointed as the executioner.”
You’ve got a good nose as noses run.
His nose is so big, while walking in France he caught a cold in England.
Her mouth is so small she uses a shoe horn to take aspirin.
He’s so fat he had the mumps two weeks before he knew it.
They call him Luke because he’s not so hot.
A gold-digger’s motto: Every man for myself.
He’s so henpecked he cackles in his sleep.
That girl certainly looks good from a distance but she can’t get far enough away.
When a woman loves a man he can make her do anything she wants to do.
“Laugh that off,” said the fat man’s wife, as she sewed his vest button on with wire.
Women in Business
“My wife told me to ask you for a raise.”
“All right, I’ll ask my wife if I can give it to you.”
“He’s the sort of man who sticks his nose into everyone’s business.”
“Oh, yes, we’ve heard of those roamin’ noses.”
Bill: “Did you ever try to stand on an egg?”
Jill: “Oh, yes.”
Bill: “And what did you learn?”
Jill: “That the inside of the egg was stronger than the outside.”
“Look here, waiter, is this peach or apple pie?”
“Can’t you tell by the taste?”
“No, I can’t.”
“Well, then, what difference does it make?”
Birds of a Feather
The distinguished visitor to a hospital for the insane was having difficulty trying to make a telephone call. Finally he lost his temper.
“Look here, young woman,” he angrily said to the telephone operator, “do you know who I am?”
“No,” she replied, “but I know where you are.”
A Surprise Party
Camp Matron: “Private Bjorn was injured accidentally during maneuvers and only relatives are allowed to see him today. Are you a member of his family?”
Girl Friend: “Why – er, yes; I’m his sister.”
Camp Matron: “Oh, really? I’m glad to meet you. I’m his mother.”
One Is Enough
“What do you think of the candidates?”
“Well, the more I think of them, the more pleased I am that only one of them can get in.”
Panhandle: “Say, Buddy, could you give me a dine for a cuppa coffee?”
Citizen: “A dime? coffee is only a nickel.”
Panhandler: “I know, but I gotta date.”
“I’ve got a freak two-legged calf on my farm.”
“I know it – he came over to call on my daughter last night.”
Sic Transit Gloria
Asylum patient, meeting new superintendent: “Who are you?”
“Why, I’m the new superintendent – I’m in charge here now.”
“Hah – it won’t take them long to knock that out of you! I was Napoleon when I first came here.”
Love Is Cockeyed
The stingy farmer was scoring the hired man for carrying a lighted lantern to call on his best girl.
“The idea,” he exclaimed, “When I was courtin’ I never carried no lantern; I went in the dark.”
“Yes,” said the hired man, “and look what you got!”
Walking into a costly and exclusive restaurant, a seedy-looking individual asked for a glass of water. Swallowing it with one gulp, he then took a package of sandwiches out of his pocket and began eating them. The horrified waiter summoned the manager, who approached the man with an air of stern distaste.
“See here,” he said, “this isn’t –”
“Who are you?” interrupted the sandwich eater.
“I, sir, am the manager.”
“Fine. I was just going to send for you. Why isn’t the orchestra playing?”