On a little service station away out on the edge of a western desert there hangs a shingle bearing this strange legend: “Don’t ask us for information. if we knew anything we wouldn’t be here.”
How to Keep from Growing Old
Always race trains to crossings. Engineers like it; it breaks the monotony.
Always pass the car ahead on curves. Don’t use the horn, it may unnerve other drivers.
Demand half the road – the middle half. Insist on your rights.
Always speed. It shows you’re full of pep, even though an amateur driver.
Don’t waste time stopping, looking, or listening. Everybody else does that.
Always lock your brakes when skidding. It makes the job seem more artistic.
In sloppy weather, drive close to pedestrians. Dry cleaners appreciate this.
Always drive with your window closed. Then you don’t have to signal.
“Pa,” said the subscriber’s little daughter, “I know why editors call themselves ‘we.’”
“So the fellow who doesn’t like what’s printed will think that there are too many for him to lick.”
As the pretty girl entered the crowded car, a man rose to his feet, “No, you must not give up your seat – I insist,” said the young woman.
“You may insist all you like, Miss,” replied the man, “but I’m getting off here!”
Made It Worse
At a dinner party one man, arriving late, found a seat reserved for him at the head of the table where the goose was being carved. “Ah,” he remarked with a pleasant smile, “I am to sit by the goose.”
Then, observing the lady in the next chair looking askance, he made haste to add, “I mean the roasted one, of course.”
Proposal – No!
At the ball game the young man sat intently watching the favorite team losing the game. He turned to his lady friend and remarked, “See that big substitute pitcher down there on the bench? I’m sure he’ll turn out to be our best man.”
And the sweet young thing was quick to respond, “Why, you dear, how wonderful! But isn’t this rather sudden?”
A teacher in Brooklyn said, “Joey, give me a sentence using the word ‘bewitches.’” After deep thought, Joey replied, “Youse go on ahead – I’ll bewitches in a minute.”
Impressions of Youth
A teacher once asked a small boy in her class if he understood the phrase “rapid enunciation.” With the candor of the young, the boy replied, “Yes’m, it’s the way folks say their prayers on cold nights.”
An atomic scientist went away on vacation. In his absence a sign was hung on his office door reading: “Gone Fision!”
Driver: “It’s great, speeding along like this. Don’t you feel glad you’re alive?”
Passenger: “Glad isn’t the word – I’m amazed!”
A sentimental lady on a tour of the Oregon State Forest Reserves stopped before a giant tree. “Oh, wonderful elm,” she exclaimed, “if you could only speak, what would you say to me?”
The senior forester, accompanying her, suggested, “It would probably say, ‘Pardon me, lady, but I’m an oak.’”
Another Way to Say it
“A rolling stone gathers no moss,” was what the professor wanted to say. Instead, he phrased it this way: “A nomadic portion of the metamorphosed igneous or sedimentary deposit of the Protozoic era accumulates no bryophytic plant life.”
“I had an operation yesterday,” remarked the hoaxer.
“That’s too bad; I hadn’t heard of it,” replied the easy mark; “was it severe?”
“Well, I had a growth removed from my head.”
“Terrible! But how is it you are up and around, and looking fine? I can’t understand it!”
“Well, why not?” replied the hoaxer. “I just had a haircut!”
The wife’s new fur coat had just been delivered, and she was in ecstasies of delight admiring it. But suddenly a look of sadness replaced her happy expression. “What’s the matter?” asked her husband. “Aren’t you satisfied with it?”
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “but I just can’t help feeling sorry for the poor creature that was skinned.”
“Thanks!” relied hubby.
There was a fearful crash as the train struck the car. A few seconds later a man and his wife crawled out of the wreckage. The wife started to say something when the man stopped her. “Never mind talking,” he snapped. “I got my end of the car across all right. You were driving the back seat, and if you let it get hit, don’t blame me!”
Bad is he who breaks your slumber to mutter rudely, “Heck! Wrong number!” Worse is he who risks your wrath by phoning when you’re in the bath. But worst of all is the pest who hisses in disguised voice, “Bet you can’t guess who this is!”
“My!” said an admiring neighbor, “I’m glad to hear that your son is on the college football team. What position does he play?”
“I’m not sure,” answered the proud mother. “I think he said he is one of the drawbacks.”
B.E. (Before Election(?)
An American was kicking about inflation and other adverse conditions in this country. “If things don’t improve,” he said, I’m going to move to Europe and live off Uncle Sam.”
Dollars are banked by those who aren’t forever depositing their quarters on easy chairs.
Around the corner, a London scrubwoman suddenly came face to face with her most detested acquaintance.”Laws, my dear!” she cried, with spurious enthusiasm. “Wot a turn you give me – I thought you dead!”
“Now, who told you that?” the other demanded.
“Oh, nobody, the first replied, “but I’ve ‘eard several people speaking well o’ ye lately.”
Not One of Ours
Above the door of a church was an engraved message that read, “This is the gateway to heaven.” Below the engraving hung a printed sign, “Closed during July and August.”
Teacher, in geography class: “Where is the capital of the United States?”
Junior: “All over the world.”
Rags make paper; paper makes money; money makes banks; banks make loans; loans make poverty; poverty makes rags.
What Not to Be
A convention speaker once remarked: “There are three things I have never wanted to be: The front pew in a church, the third verse of a hymn, and the last speaker on a convention program.”