A bumper crop of jokes from the old church magazines —
A certain man announced that he was marrying a widow.
“I could never be a widow’s second husband,” his friend said bluntly.
The newly engaged man smiled.
“Well,” he murmured, “I’d much rather be her second than her first.”
Little MacDonald (to butcher): “Give me 10 cents worth of dog meat, and be sure it’s fresh, for the last time you gave it to me father got sick.”
Bill: “We got an Animal Family.”
Dick: “How’s that?”
Bill: “Well, Mother’s a dear, Sister’s a lamb, I’m a kid, and Dad’s the goat.”
Why do they put so many holes in Swiss cheese when it is Limberger that needs the ventilation?
“I see Goldbaum had a fire last night.”
“Vell, he’s a nice feller; he deserves it.”
First Picknicker: “Isn’t this an ideal spot for a picnic dinner?”
S.P.: “It must be. Fifty million insects can’t be wrong.”
Floridian (picking up melon): “Is this the largest apple you can grow in your State?”
California: “Stop fingering that grape.”
Then and Now
In days of old when nights were cold
It took two fleeces from the fold
To dress a lady fair.
But in these days of jazz and bob
A little silk worm does the job
With time galore to spare.
Each in His Turn
“Well, who’s been waiting the longest?” asked a physician, cheerfully, as he opened the door of his consultation office.
“I think I have, doctor,” said a tailor, arising and presenting a bill. “I delivered your clothes three years ago.”
Liza: “They say that young man got a terrible position with the army.”
Mandy: “Is that so? What sort of position is it?”
Liza: “Well, they say he’s attached to a flying corpse.”
The hired man asked little Johnny to pass the salt.
Looking at his mother, the boy hesitated.
“Shall I give him the salt?” he whispered. “Daddy said he wasn’t worth it.”
Blacksmith: “Now, Pat, I’m going to bring this horse shoe out of the fire and lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, hit it hard with a hammer.” Pat did … and was fired when the blacksmith recovered.
“It says in the paper that a baby fed on elephant’s milk gained twenty pounds in two weeks.”
“I don’t believe it; whose baby was it?”
“Here lies a lawyer and an honest man” was the epitaph carved on the tombstone of a prominent attorney.
“Well, I swear,” said the old timer, as he looked at it. “I wonder how they happened to bury them two fellows in the same grave?”
As you go plodding through this life
You have both sad and happy hours –
But happiest is the one when you
Can yell, “Hurrah! The car is ours!”
Visitor: “Well, Joe, how do you like your new little sister?”
Joe: “Oh, she’s all right, I guess; but there are lots of things we needed worse.”
Another Scotch Story
A venerable old Scotchman purchased a little radio set. A few days later his friends asked him how he liked it.
“Well, it’s aw richt to listen to,” he replied, “but those bulbs are nae so gud to read by.”
In honor of a visit to his plant by the governor of the state, an automobile manufacturer once had a complete car assembled in something like seven minutes.
Some weeks after the feat was heralded in the daily papers the telephone at the factory rang vigorously.
“Is it true that you assembled a car in seven minutes at your factory?” the voice asked.
“Yes,” came the reply. “Why?”
“Oh, nothing,” said the calm inquirer, “only I’ve got that car!”
Two little boys were talking. One said to the other:
“Aren’t ants funny little things? They work and work, and never play.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that,” replied the other. “Every time I go on a picnic, they are there.”
Ask Dad, He Knows
“The husband ought to have a voice in the furnishing of the home,” says a woman writer.
Oh, but he does – the invoice.
“And how have you been getting on, Mrs. Mumble?”
“Oh, Miss, not too well. My poor ’usband ’ad a parallel stroke and we’ve ’ad a ’ard time to make both ends meet.”
Over the Top
Talkative Barber – “Shall I go over the top, sir?”
Weary Customer – “Yes, as soon as your gas attack is over.”
Mother: “You know, Geoffrey, Norma is nearly seventeen years old, so to-day I had a frank discussion with her about the facts of life.”
Father: “Ah! Did you learn anything new?”