Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1942 (6)
 


Funny Bones, 1942 (6)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - July 07, 2012

Couldn’t Keep Them All

An old Scot was smoking in the waiting room of a railway station. A porter said to him:

“Don’t you see that notice on the wall – ‘No Smoking Allowed’?”

“Yes, I do,” said the Scot. “but how can I keep all your rules? There’s another one on the wall that says: ‘Wear Spirella Corsets.’”

The Same Thing to Do

First Aid Instructor: “Suppose the victim was bleeding profusely, had a broken leg, was extremely pale and showed no pulse. What would you do?

Student: “Doc, I’d bury him.”

Mind and Matter

When Wordsworth said to lamb, “I believe I could write like Shakespeare, if I had a mind to try it.” “Yes, n-nothing is w-wanting but the m-mind,” came Lamb’s answer as swiftly as the stutter would allow.

Why, Indeed?

Willie: “Pop, what are ancestors?’

Pop: “Well, I’m one of yours, and your granddad is another.”

Willie: “Then why does everyone brag about theirs?”

Inexhaustible

Examining Officer: “What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up to starboard?”

Naval student: “Drop anchor, Sir.”

“And if another storm sprang up aft?”

“Drop another anchor, Sir.”

“And if another storm sprang up forward?”

“Drop another anchor, Sir.”

“Hold on – where are you getting all those anchors?”

“From the same place you’re getting the storms, Sir.”

A Terrible Accident

Mean: “It must have been a terrible accident. I hope you collected plenty from the insurance company.”

Dean: “What accident?”

Mean: “Say, don’t tell me you were born with that face!”

An Expert on Values

“Does your wife choose your clothes?”

“No, but she picks the pockets.”

A Little Too Soon

Doctor (cheerfully): “And how’s our patient feeling today?”

Patient: “Doc, I’m suffering the torments of the damned.”

Doctor: “What, already?”

Poets, Both

Mike and Pat were driving their cows home from pasture when an airship sailed over.

“The rich ride in highways while the poor walk in byways,” observed Pat.

“And the rich drive zephyrs while the poor drive heifers,” added Mike.

For Rattlesnake Bites

Cowboy: “My podner and I are taking a trip through the desert next week. He’s taking along a gallon of whisky for rattlesnake bites.”

Visitor: “And what are you taking along?”

Cowboy: “Two rattlesnakes.”

A Good Speech

In case you’re thinking of making a speech, here’s a good formula:

Have a good beginning and a good ending, and keep them as close together as possible.

Pretty Soon, Darling

Mother: “You must not talk all the time, Virginia.”

Little Virginia: “When will I be old enough to, mama?”

Technically Correct

Teacher: “Tommy, can you name as many as five things that contain milk?”

Tommy (after thinking a moment): “Yes’m, butter, cheese, ice cream, and two cows.”

That’s Positive

Mrs. Junewed (inspecting high-priced car): “Oh, darling, my heart is set on this car!”

Mr. Junewed (coldly): “Well, that’s the only part of your anatomy that will ever sit on it!”

He Knew His History

Teacher: “Name two ancient sports.”

Pupil: “Anthony and Cleopatra.”

A Mere Kid

First Student: “I wonder how old Miss Jones is?”

Second Student: “Quite old, I imagine; they say she used to teach Caesar.”

Quiet Admiration

The guest’s nose was exceptionally large, and father had noticed Willie staring at it. Expecting the boy to make some frank and outspoken comment, he gave him a disapproving glance.

“That’s all right, dad,” came the reassuring response. “I’m not going to say anything. I’m just looking at it!”

They Knew the Answer

The kindergarten class had been studying the wind for a week. One day the teacher said, in her most enthusiastic and most happy manner, “Children, as I came to school today on the street car, the door opened and something came softly in and kissed me on the cheek. What do you think it was?”

“The conductor!” the class shouted with one voice.

Had Good Foresight

Army Doctor: “Weak eyes, eh? how many lines can you see on that chart?”

Draftee: “What chart?”

A Sad Short Story

“Don’t pass cars on curves or hill;
If the cops don’t get you, morticians will.”

Only a Word

Mr.: “I notice you women all have the same favorite word.”

Mrs.: “What word is that?”

Mr.: “The last one.”

That Gone Feeling

Of all the sad surprises
There is nothing to compare
With treading in the darkness
On a step that isn’t there.

Don’t Push

Porter (as train pulls into station): “Shall I brush you off, sir?”

Passenger: “No … I’ll get off the regular way.”

Love Never Changes

“Love-making is the same today as it was in ancient times.”

“What makes you say that?”

“I’ve just been reading about a Greek maiden who sat and listened to a lyre all night.”

No Exemptions

“You don’t know the first thing about syntax!”

“My goodness, is there a tax on that too?”

Executive Strategy

Typist: “Your wife wants to kiss you over the phone.”

Boss: “Sssh! Take the message and give it to me later.”

Ding, Dong!

1st Church Bell: “You sound crazy – you must be cracked.”

2nd Church Bell: “So would you be if you had bats in your belfry.”

Lost!

Officer: “What’s the big idea? What are you men doing, climbing trees and crawling through the bushes?”

Private: “Well, sir, we camouflaged the gun before lunch, and now we can’t find it.”



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