Guest. “Waiter, this steak is like leather and the knife is dull.”
Waiter. “You might strop the knife on the steak.”
Time to Cut It
“Don’t you think her voice ought to be cultivated?”
No. I think it should be harvested.”
History by Ear
“S.S. Teacher. “Now, boys, who can tell me who the apostles were?”
Wide-awake Willie. “I can. They were the wives of the epistles.”
Wife – “Dear John, mother was so pleased with all those nice things you said about her in your letter to me. You see, she opened it by mistake.”
Hubby – “Yes, I thought she would.”
Good Night, Nurse!
Kid Sullivan (up to his old tricks) – “Good morning, little one. Haven’t I met you somewhere before?”
Smooth – “It’s quite likely. I used to be a nurse in the insane asylum.”
Might Be Too Much for Him
Southern Parson (to convert): “Does you’ think you kin keep in th’ straight an’ narrer path now?
Convert: “I reckon I kin, parson, if they ain’t no watermelon patches along th’ road.”
The War’s Aftermath
Here’s an advertisement that recently appeared in a Boston window: “Wanted – Women to mangle.”
Ignorance Was Bliss
He. – “Once and for all, I demand to know who is the master of this house?’
She. – “You will be happier if you don’t find out.”
Oh, Shut Up!
“Johnny, shut the shutter.”
“Shutter’s shut, ma. I can’t shut it any shutter.”
Kept Her Promise
Husband: “Ah, but you used to say you wouldn’t marry the best man in the world.”
Wife: “Well, I didn’t.”
Another Hand to “Rock the Cradle”
Mother: “Would you like to come and rock the baby for a bit, Tommy?”
Tommy: “Rather! But I haven’t got a rock!”
Was He Thankful?
Hubby (during the quarrel): ‘You must think I’m as big a fool as I look.”
Wifey: “I think that if you are not you have a great deal to be thankful for.”
“What are you doing, Johnnie?” asked the teacher of a small boy. “Nothing, ma’am.”
“What are you doing, Peter?” “Helping Johnnie,” replied the boy.
A Horse’s Job
A prosperous grocery had occasion to engage a new errand-boy. Trade was brisk, and the lad had a great deal of work to do in delivering parcels in different parts of the town.
“Well, Johnnie, how did you get on on Saturday?” asked the grocer on Monday morning.
‘Oh, fine,” replied Johnnie, “but I’ll be leavin’ at the end of the week.”
“Why, Johnnie, what’s up now?” queried his master. “Are the wages not big enough?”
“I’m not findin’ any fault with the pay,” replied the boy; “but I’m doin’ a good ‘orse out of a job ‘ere.”
At Regular Rates
“Does your cook give you any impertinence?”
“No. She charges me ten dollars a week for it.”
Old Gentleman (to boy, fishing): “Caught anything, sonny?”
Youngster: “No; but I expect to when I get home.”
A Foolish Fancy
“To think,” said the woman lunatic, pointing toward the clergyman, who had just delivered a sermon in the asylum – “to think of him out and me in.”
Not on the Map
“Papa, where is Atoms?”
“Atoms? I don’t know, my boy. You mean Athens probably.”
“No, I mean Atoms – the place where everything is blown to.”
The Bill May Take It Away
Doctor (to patient): “Well, how are you feeling this morning?”
Patient: “Very much better, thank you, doctor. The only thing that troubles me is my breathing.”
Doctor: “Um – yes, we must see if we can’t get something to stop that.”
“What became of that little kitten you had?” asked the Christmas visitor of the little boy.
“Why, haven’t you heard?”
“Then whatever did become of it?” said the visitor.
“It growed up into a cat!” was the reply.