Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1912 (5)

Funny Bones, 1912 (5)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - June 23, 2012


Willie – “Pop, what are ‘ancestors’?”

Father – “Well, I’m one of yours – your granddad is another.”

Willie – “Oh! But why is it that folks brag about them?”


Dubbleigh – “Your little dog barked at me but stopt when I looked him in the eye. Do you suppose he noticed my presence of mind?”

Miss Kleen – “Possibly. They say animals often see things that human beings can not.”

Getting On

“How’s your son getting on in college?”

“Great. They put him in as a pinch hitter the other day and he cleared the bases with a three-bagger.”


Mr. Grump (with newspaper) – ‘here’s an odd case – a woman marries one man thinking he is another.”

Mrs. Grump – “What’s odd about that? Women are doing that all the time.”

Misleading Evidence

Gentleman (engaging groom) – “Are you married?”

Groom – “No, sir. I was thrown against a barbed-wire fence and got my face scratched!”

The Eternal Question

Willie – “Pa!”

Pa – “Yes.”

Willie – “Teacher says we’re here to help others.”

Pa – “Of course we are.”

Willie – “Well, what are the others here for?”


Wife – “Did you post that letter I gave you?”

Hubby – “Yes, dear, I carried it in my hand so I couldn’t forget it, and I dropt it in the first mail-box. I remember, because –”

Wife – “There, dear, that will do. I didn’t give you any letter to post.”


Judge – “You are a freeholder?”

Talesman – “Yes, sir; I am.”

Judge – “Married or single?”

Talesman – “Married three years last June.”

Judge – “Have you formed or expressed any opinion?”

Talesman – “Not for three years, your honor.”

Revised Version

“Mr. Taft,” said a Republican statesman, “is for his weight, exceedingly nimble. I remember once, in Cincinnati, running for a train with him. He ran well, but, of course, I, with my slender and athletic build, beat him easily. I had to wait at every corner, and in consequence we missed the train. Mr. Taft said with an apologetic laugh, as we turned away from the closed train gate: ‘It was my fault we missed her. More waist, you know, less speed.’”


Seedy Visitor – “Do you have many wrecks about here, boatman?”

Boatman – “Not very many, sir. You’re the first I’ve seen this season.”

Kindred Feeling

The new cook, who had come into the household during the holidays, asked her mistress:

“Where ban your son? I not seeing him round no more.”

“My son,” replied the mistress pridefully. “Oh, he has gone back to Yale. He could only get away long enough to stay until New Year’s Day, you see. I miss him dreadfully, though.”

“Yas, I knowing yoost how you feel. My broder, he ban in yail six times since Tanksgiving.”


That was a truly human tombstone that bore the inscription, “I expected this, but not just yet.”

Inspired Definition

Teacher – “What is velocity, Johnny?”

Johnny – “Velocity is what a fellow lets go of a wasp with.”

The Next Reform

Mother – “This is your new little brother.”

Tommy – “Gee! Can’t we have him recalled?”

Gone After It

Caller – “Is the boss in?”

Office boy – “No, sir; he’s gone out.”

Caller – “Will he be back after dinner?”

Office-boy – “No, that’s what he’s gone out for.”

Mary’s Scat

Mary had a Thomas cat;
It warbled like Caruso.
A neighbor swung a baseball bat –
Now Thomas doesn’t do so.

Expectation and Realization

“After all,” observes the thoughtful man, “there’s always a lot of difference between expectation and realization.”

“You bet,” answers the man with the chenille whiskers. “For instance, reading a seed catalogue in the spring and looking at your garden in the fall.”

Let Them Do It

A farmer’s wife who had no very romantic ideas about the opposite sex, and who, hurrying from church to sink, from sink to shed, and back to the kitchen stove, was asked if she wanted to vote.

“No, I certainly don’t!” she said. “I say if there’s one little thing that the men folks can do alone, for goodness’ sake let ‘em do it!”

The Wrong Cylinder

The motorist emerged from beneath the car and struggled for breath. His helpful friend, holding an oilcan, beamed on him:

“I’ve just given the cylinder a thorough oiling, Dick.”

“Cylinder?” howled the motorist. “That wasn’t the cylinder. It was my ear!”

Stopped in Time

Little Willie, who for some months had invariably ended his evening prayer with “Please send me a baby brother,” announced to his mother that he was tired of praying for what he did not get, and that he did not believe that God had any more little boys to send.

Not long afterward he was carried into his mother’s room very early in the morning to see twin boys, who had arrived during the night. Willie looked at the two babies critically and then remarked: “It’s a good thing I stopped praying when I did.”

No Wonder She Wouldn’t

An alert little five-year-old was taking a walk in a city park with her mother for the first time, and when they arrived at the boat landing where the swan boats were waiting for passengers, little Elsie pulled away and declared very vigorously that she did not want to go, and, as her mother urged her, she broke into tears.

This sudden fear was so unusual that her mother could not understand it until she heard the boatman’s call:

“Come along, come along – ride clear around the pond – only 5 cents for ladies and gents – children thrown in!”


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