Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1914 (6)
 


Funny Bones, 1914 (6)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - June 09, 2012

Contrary

Flinn: “There goes a man the weather seldom agrees with.”

Glinn: “Who is he?”

Flinn: “The government weather forecaster.”

In Memoriam

Mule in the barnyard, lazy and sleek;
Boy with a pin on the end of a stick
Creeps up behind him quiet as a mouse –
Crepe on the door of the little boy’s house.

The Wit

“‘Lo, Bill! Whatcha doing since you left college?”

“Working in a coffee factory.”

“I gotcha. Starting from the ground up.”

Off Color

John: “So that’s your new tie, eh? Why on earth did you select such a loud pattern?”

Jos: “I didn’t select it. My brother did, and he’s slightly deaf.”

Mixed Breed

“Have you any turkey hash?” “No.”

“Chicken hash?” “No.”

“Corn-beef hash?” “No.”

“Roast-beef hash?” “No.”

“No hash at all?”

“Oh, yes! We got plenty of hash, but it ain’t thoroughbred!”

Table Hints

He who eats the proper way
May live to eat another day.

While he who bolts his beans and pie
May never live to swat the fly.

However low his pride may stoop,
No one should ever gargle soup.

And he who proper training shows
Don’t sprinkle pepper up his nose.

A String to It

Office Seeker: “Is there anything else in the job you speak of besides the salary?”

Political Boss: “There’s a little work on the side.”

Office Seeker: “Ah! I knew there was some string to it!”

One Answer

A clergyman catechising a Sunday School, when comparing himself – the pastor of the church – to a shepherd and his congregation to the sheep, put the following question to the children:

“What does the shepherd do for the sheep?”

“A small boy in the front row piped out: “Shears them!”

Kept It Up

There had been an epidemic of colds in the town, and one physician who had had scarcely any sleep for two days called upon a patient – an Irishman – who was suffering from pneumonia, and as he leaned over to hear the patient’s respiration he called upon Pat to count.

The doctor was so fatigued that he fell asleep, with his ear on the sick man’s chest. It seemed but a minute when he was suddenly awakened to hear Pat still counting: “Tin thousand an’ sivinity-six, tin thousand an’ sivinty-sivin –”

Outsailed It

The captain’s son stood on the bridge of a schooner beside his father, on a windy night. It suddenly became necessary for the captain to go below, and he said to the boy, whom he had been instructing:

“Here, take the wheel. I’ll be back soon. Steer by that star, and then you will be all right.”

The boy began to steer, and soon got her out of her course. The star appeared at the stern instead of the head, and, with a feeling of pride, he shouted to the captain:

“Come and find me another star; I’ve passed that one!”

A Rough House

Marie: “Suppose your father gave your mother $20 and took back $5. What would that make?”

Willie: “All kinds of trouble.”

Pastoral

He was one of those fresh young men, given to the use of stale slang. At the breakfast table, desiring the milk, he exclaimed:

“Chase the cow down this way, please.”

“Here, Jane,” said the boarding-house mistress, “take the cow down to where the calf is bawling.”

On the Other Hand

The husband turns the combination of purple velvet and green silk in his hands.

“What is this, my angel?” he asks.

“That is a new necktie I bought for your Christmas present,” smilingly explains his wife.

“Well,” he says, “you buy ties just like mother used to buy, anyhow.”

Touching

A teacher trying to impress on her children the rightness of kindness toward all animals, took them for a walk, to bring the lesson home to them.

Hearing a scream from little Johnny, she asked: “What’s the matter, Johnny?”

“I’ve been sitting on a hornet,” was the tearful response, “and I’m afraid I’ve hurt the poor thing.”

The Way It Sounded to Him

Two girls were talking over the wire. Both were discussing what they should wear to the Christmas party. In the midst of this important conversation a masculine voice interrupted, asking humbly for a number. One of the girls became indignant, and scornfully asked:

“What line do you think you are on anyhow?”

“Well,” said the man, “I am not sure; but, judging from what I have heard, I should say I was on a clothesline.”

Discharged the Missis

“Maggie,” said the inexperienced young thing to the cook, “The biscuits were a sight. If you can’t do better next time I will have to discharge you.”

“Ye will, will ye?” Maggie retorted. “I’ll have ye know, mum, that I’ve bin workin’ out two years, an’ I’ve worked for eighty-nine of the best families in town, an’ I ain’t ever bin discharged yet. I’m leavin’ this afternoon for a better place.”

Always Something!

Harry Lander told an amusing story the other day of two Glasgow women who met in the street and began to discuss the domestic affairs of a newly-married couple.

“Aye, Mrs. McTavish,” said one, “so Jeannie’s got marriet.”

“She has that, Mrs. Alpine,” replied the other.

“An how’s she gettin’ on?” the first woman wanted to know.

“Oh, no sae bad at a’,” was the reply. “There’s only one thing the matter. She thinks she could hae got a better man. But, then, there’s aye something.”

An Able Assistant

The small son of a clergyman who was noted for his tiresome sermons overheard two friends of his father saying how dry they were, and how hard it was to keep awake during them. The following Sunday, while the minister was preaching, he was astonished to see his son throwing pebbles at the congregation from the gallery. The clergyman frowned angrily at him, when the boy piped out in a clear treble voice:

“It’s all right, pop. You go on preaching; I’m keeping them awake.”



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