“You have lost your baby, I hear,” said one disconsolate mother to another. “Yes, poor little thing; it was only just five months old. We did all we could for it. We had two doctors, blistered its head and feet, put mustard poultices all over it, gave it four calomel powders, leeched its temples, had it bled, and gave it all kinds of medicines; and yet, after one week’s illness, it died.”
Three young gents – an Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotchman – were gazing through a confectioner’s window at a pretty-looking damsel behind the counter. “Let us go in and spend half-a-crown in the shop, and see the girl,” said the first of the trio. “A shilling would be quite enough to spend,” replied the Englishman. “Nae,” said Sandy, in his turn; “let us go in and ask her to gie us twa sixpences for a shilling, and we shall see her all the same.”
Attorney: A cat that settles differences between mice.
“Why, Tom, my dear boy, how old you look!”
“Dare say, Bob; for the fact is, I never was so old in my life.”
A medical student under examination being asked the different effects of heat and cold, replied, “Heat expands, and cold contracts.”
“Quite right. Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, sir. In summer, which is hot, the days are longer; but in winter, which is cold, the days are shorter.”
Miser: One who, though he loves himself better than all the world, uses himself worse.
Plagiarists are purloiners, who filch the fruit which others have gathered, and then throw away the basket.
At a country village church, not long since, the officiating parson sat in his “honoured seat” for some time after the appointed hour for commencing the service. Finding his visual organs meeting nothing but empty pews, he sagely looked down to the clerk and said, “I think Richard, we had better retire, as we seem to be entirely alone this morning.”
“Not entirely alone, your reverence,” said Richard.
The parson elevated his eyebrows, looked round the empty church, and replied in a surprised tone, “Why, there is not a solitary being here but ourselves!”
“Oh, yes,” quietly remarked Richard, “The Lord is here.”
“Ah! I declare I had quite forgotten Him,” said the parson.
“What is dat goes when de waggon goes, stops when de waggon stops, it am no use to de waggon, and yet de waggon can’t go without it?”
“I gubs dat up, Clem.”
“Why, de noise, ob course.”
Relative Value of the Sun and the Moon
“The sun is all very well,” said an Irishman; “but in my opinion the moon is worth two of it; for the moon affords us light in the night-time, when we really want it, whereas we have the sun with us in the daytime, when we have no occasion for it!”
A friend called on Michael Angelo, who was finishing a statue. Some time afterwards he called again, and the sculptor was still at his work. this friend, looking at the figure, exclaimed – “You have been idle since I saw you last!”
“By no means,” replied the sculptor; “I have re-touched this part, and polished that; I have softened this feature, and brought out this muscle; I have given more expression to this lip, and more energy to this limb.”
“Well, well,” said his friend; “but all these are trifles.”
“It may be so,” replied Angelo; “but recollect that trifles make perfection, and that perfection is no trifle!”
The Reason Why
“I wonder why so many of my flock are getting so careless of their duty, roaming about to other places, instead of attending to their own meetings,” said a preacher, the other day, to his confidential friend.
“Feed them better when they do come,” was the honest answer; “and they won’t want to roam to other pastures.”
A Negro Baptist of the South said to his Methodist master: – “You’ve read de Bible, I suppose?”
“Well, you’ve read in it of one John de Baptist, haven’t you?”
“Well, you never saw nofin’ about John de Mefodist, did you?”
“Well den, you see, dere’s Baptist in de Bible, but dere ain’t no Mefodist, and so de Bible’s on my side, massa.”