The lad was sent to college,
And now Dad cries “Alack!”
He spent a thousand dollars,
And got a quarterback.
“Is there any soup on the bill of fare?”
“No, sir – there was, but I wiped it off.”
On the Installment Plan
“How much are eggs now?”
“Two dollars down, and a dollar a month until the dozen is paid for.”
“Many a man,” remarked the home-grown philosopher, “spends his courting-days in telling a girl that he is unworthy of her, and his married life in proving it.”
“The Skin of a Unit.”
The blunders of children are often due to bad teaching. “This,” said a teacher to her class in arithmetic, “is a unit.” She held up a pencil. “This book is a unit, too,” she said, “and these are units.” And she showed them a ruler, a flower, and an apple. Then she peeled the apple and, holding up the peel, said, “Now children, what is this?” A little hand went up slowly. “Well, Johnny?” said the teacher.
“Please, ma’am, the skin of a unit.”
The Pedestrian in 1910
Chug-chug! Ba-r-r! br-r-r! Honk-hink! Gilligillug-gilligillug! The pedestrian paused at the intersection of two busy streets and looked about.
an automobile was rushing at him from one direction, a motor cycle from another, an auto track was coming from behind, and a taxicab was approaching.
Zip-zip! zing-glug! He looked up and saw directly above him a runaway airship in rapid descent.
There was but one chance. He was standing upon the manhole cover. Quickly he lifted the lid and jumped into the hole – just in time to be run over by a subway train.
The Fifth of July
The Real Thing in Ancestors
“Have ye anny ancisters, Mrs. Kelly?” asked Mrs. O’Brien.
“An’ pwhat’s ancisters?”
“Why, people you shprung from.”
Listen to me, Mrs. O’Brien,” said Mrs. Kelly Impressively, “I come from the rale shtock av Donahues that shpring from nobody. They shpring at thim!”
A Magic Healer
During an exciting game of baseball, a player had two fingers of his right hand badly bunged up, and on his way home from the grounds he dropped into a doctor’s office to have them attended to.
“Doctor,” he asked anxiously, “when this paw of mine heals will I be able to play the piano?”
“Certainly you will,” the doctor assured him.’
“Gee! you’re a wonder, Doc. I never could before.”
“Say, Can You Speak?”
The Maiden’s Bonnet
My bonnet spreads over the ocean,
My bonnet spreads over the sea,
To merely spread over the sidewalk
Is not enough for me.
The Smile Reminiscent
“I see you are smiling at my jokes,” said the waiting contributor, hopefully.
“Yes,” replied the editor, “that courtesy is due when one meets old friends.”
Lost His Faith in God
A small boy, new to the Sunday School, was greatly pleased with his picture card and its text, “Have faith in God.” On the homeward way, however, the precious possession slipped from his fingers and fluttered form the open street cars and immediately a cry of distress arose. “Oh, I’ve lost my ‘Faith in God’! Stop the car! Please stop the car!”
The Best of the Bargain
A conscientious Sunday School teacher had been endeavoring to impress upon her pupils the ultimate triumph of goodness over beauty. At the close of a story in which she flattered herself that this point had been well established, she turned confidently to a 10-year-old pupil and inquired: “And now, Alice, which would you rather be, beautiful or good?”
“Well,” replied Alice after a moment’s reflection, “I think I’d rather be beautiful – and repent.”
Essay on Ducks
A schoolboy assigned to prepare an essay on ducks submitted the following:
“The duck is a low, heavy-set bird, composed mostly of meat and feather. He is a mighty poor singer, having a hoarse voice, caused by getting so many frogs in his neck. He likes the water and carries a toy balloon in his stomach to keep from sinking. The duck has only two legs, and they are set so far back on his running gears by nature that they come pretty near missing his body. Some ducks when they get big have curls on their tails and are called drakes. Drakes don’t have to set or hatch, but just loaf and go swimming and eat everything in sight. If I was to be a duck I would rather be a drake.”
Low – “I went to the phrenologist’s last week.”
Sue – “Oh! what did he tell you?”
Low – “Well, I can’t understand. He coughed a little and then gave me back my money.”
The teacher was describing the dolphin and its habits.
“And, children,” she said impressively, “a single dolphin will have two thousand offspring.”
“Goodness!” gasped a little girl in the back row. “And how about the married ones?”
The First Garden
“And how are the tomatoes coming on?” asked Mr. Younghusband of his little wife.
“Well, dear,” began the lady, nervously, “I’m rather afraid we shall have to buy them, after all.”
Mr. Younghusband frowned.
“But, my dear Maria,” he expostulated. “I distinctly understood from you a couple of months or so ago that you had planted a whole row!”
“That’s quite right, dear,” explained Maria, “but I’ve just remembered that I forgot to open the tins!”