Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1924 (5)
 


Funny Bones, 1924 (5)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - May 19, 2012

The Cat!

“My husband declares he married for beauty and brains.”

“Oh, then you’re not his first wife.”

Family Pride

Small Boy – “Me fadder wants a nickel’s wort’ of ice cream.”

Soda Clerk – “Cone?”

Small Boy – “Naw, Rosenbaum.”


An Enigma

Customer – “How do you sell this cheese?”

Grocer – “I’ve often wondered myself, madam.”

Taking Chances

Nervous Woman (to persistent beggar) – “If I give you a piece of pudding, you’ll never return, will you?”

Beggar – “Well, lady, you know your pudding better than I do.”

Maybe She Saw a “Dandy Lion”

“Help, help!” cried the timid young thing as she ran through the fields of daisies and morning glories towards her escort.

“Why, what are you afraid of?”

“Oh, Jack dear, the flowers are so wild.”

(Note – Don’t bother trying to figure it out – go ahead and laugh. We vouch for it.)

Cuss or Kiss

The parson was young and nervous. After the wedding was over, instead of saying, “It is customary to kiss the bride,” he said, “It is kisstomary to cuss the bride.”

Repartee

Mr. Wye – “I don’t know where women acquire their extravagance in dress. Eve wasn’t like that, you know!”

Mrs. Wye – “Of course not, there was only one man in the world, and she had him.”

The Crowning Insult

“Did you get your money?” asked the wife of the dentist who had called to collect an account.

“Not a cent,” growled the dentist, “and worse than that, he insulted me, and gnashed my teeth at me!”

Disappointed

“He’s a nice man to take a girl fishing, I must say,” said the pretty girl.

“My darling – how dreadful!” cried her mother. “Confide in me. Tell me what he did.”

“He just fished,” explained her daughter, petulantly.

Not Disturbed

Minister’s Wife – “Wake up! There are burglars in the house, John.”

Minister – “Well, what of it? Let them find out their mistake themselves.”

Obvious

“Harry learned to play the piano in no time.”

“Yeah – I heard him playing it that way the other day.”

Some Haters

Pat – “Oi wouldn’t throw ye a rope if ye was drownin’.

Mike – “Oi wouldn’t touch it if ye did.”

Agreed

Angry Teacher (catching frisky freshman by collar) – “I believe the Devil has got hold of you.”

Freshman – “I believe he has, too.”

You Canna Beat Them

Teacher – “Who can tell me what a post office is?”

Johnny – “A place where a Scotchman fills his fountain pen.”

Always Losing Something

Sympathetic Person – “Hello! What’s the matter, little boy? Are you lost?”

Little Boy – “Yes, I am. I mighta known better’n to come out with granma. She’s always losing somfin.”

Too Big a Risk

Mirandy – “Don’t yuh gamble on no hoss races.”

Julius – “But if Ah wins, Ah buys yuh a new ruby brooch.”

Mirandy – “Yas, an’ if yuh loses, Ah buys me a new washtub.”

Very Considerate

Employer – “Do you feel able to take a few letters, Miss Typer?”

Stenographer – “Why, certainly! That’s what I’m here for, isn’t it?”

Employer – “I guess so, but my request came so soon after your last telephone conversation that I feared you might be exhausted.”

Unnecessary Labor

Irish Traffic Officer, to Speeder – “Have you a permit for driving an auto?”

Speeder – “Sure; I’ve got it here in my pocketbook.”

Officer – “That’s all right. If ye’ve got it I don’t need to look at it. If ye didn’t have one I’d have to see it.”

They Were Put

He – “I wish I could revise the alphabet.”

She – “Why?”

He – “I’d put U and I closer together.”

Self-Evident

Short-sighted Lady (in grocery) – “Is that the head cheese over there?”

Salesman – “No, ma’am; that’s one of his assistants.”

What Is Courtship?

Courtship consists of a man running after a woman until she has caught him.

The Mean Thing

Robertson – “Did you ever win an argument with your wife?”

Albertson – “Once.”

Robertson – “What about?”

Albertson – “I don’t remember, but I have a vivid recollection that her mouth was full of hairpins at the time.”

His Size

Customer: “I would like to see a pair of shoes that would fit my feet.”

Salesman (grimly): “So would I.”

How It is Done

Fiddle: “What’s the matter?”

Styx: “I wrote an article on fresh milk, and the editor condensed it.”

A Game We All Play

Two small boys were puzzling their brains to invent a new game. At last one of them said, eagerly: “I know, Billy, let’s see who can make the ugliest face.”

“Aw, go on!” was the reply. “Look what a start you’ve got!”

Shamed Out

Burglar (Sternly): “Where’s your husband?”

Woman (trembling): “Under the bed.”

Burglar: “Then I won’t take anything. It’s bad enough to have such a husband without bein’ robbed too.,”



2 Comments »

  1. There are some fun ones today. I loved “Always Losing Something.”

    Comment by Maurine Ward — May 19, 2012 @ 11:34 pm

  2. Good laugh! The U and I are finally together with teenage texting. Thanks for the post.

    Comment by gretchen — May 20, 2012 @ 1:12 am

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