Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1909 (5)
 


Funny Bones, 1909 (5)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - May 12, 2012

Just a Sample

For many years Dr. Francis Patton, ex-president of Princeton University, wore side whiskers. Whenever he suggested shaving them, there was a division of opinion in the family. One morning he came into his wife’s dressing-room, razor in hand, with his right cheek shaved smooth. “How do you like it, my dear?” he asked. “If you think it looks well, I will shave the other side, too.”

Le Grande Passion

She – “Darling, do you love me?”

He – (kissing her rapturously and repeatedly) – “Do I? I wish you were a two-headed girl, that’s all I can say.”

No Trouble at All

At an unusually large dinner-party, where the guest of honor was an English Bishop, the butler, an elderly man, was obliged to bring in from a friend’s house an inexperienced lad to help him in the dining-room. The awkward helper annoyed the butler beyond endurance with questions as to his duties.

He continued interminably until the butler, worn out and nervous, said ironically: “All you will need to do is to stand behind the Bishop’s chair, and whenever His Lordship puts down his glass you must reach over and wipe his mouth with a napkin.”

That silenced his assistant. But the young man actually took the order seriously and as soon as dinner began he stationed himself behind the Bishop, waited till His Lordship had drunk and put down his glass, and then, as deliberately as his nervousness would permit, he opened out a large napkin and wiped the dignified old gentleman’s mouth!

The Bank Could Stand It

A Western lawyer tells of a remarkable instance of the convincing power of feminine logic as evidenced by an occurrence which he once witnessed while standing on the edge of a crowd that was besieging the doors of a bank supposed to be on the point of suspending payment.

A conversation between a rosy-cheeked Irish woman and her husband, who were near the lawyer, at once attracted his attention.

“Mary,” said the man, “we must push up so ye can dhraw your money at onct!”

“But I don’t want to draw it out, Roger,” replied Mary, placidly.

“Don’t ye know, Mary,” persisted the husband, “that they’ll lose your money for ye if ye don’t hurry t’ dhraw it out?”

“An’ shure, Roger,” retorted Mary, “ain’t they better able to lose it than we are?”

Roger was stunned by this unanswerable logic, and after a few more words, the two withdrew. Fortunately the bank survived its difficulties, and no depositor lost a cent.

Just One Question

A colored woman was on trial before a magistrate charged with inhuman treatment of her offspring.

Evidence was clear that the woman had severely beaten the youngster, aged some nine years, who was in court to exhibit his battered condition.

Before imposing sentence His Honor asked the woman whether she had anything to say.

“Kin I ask Yo’ honah a question?” inquired the prisoner.

“Go ahead,” said the judge, and the courtroom listened.

“Well, then, Yo’ Honah, I’d like to ask yo’ whether yo’ was ever the parent of a puffectly wuthless cullud chile.”

The Wrong Door

Charles E. Wells, who has been called the ground-hog Senator of West Virginia, because he once introduced a bill advocating the changing of Ground Hog Day from February 2nd to July 4th, was staying overnight at the Grand Hotel of a budding West Virginia village not long since.

He was awakened in the morning by heavy pounding on his door, and the voice of the old man night clerk saying, “Five o’clock! Better get up or you’ll miss your train.”

Mr. Wells didn’t intend to catch a morning train, and hadn’t given any instructions that he should be called at the unearthly hour of five o’clock, so he paid no attention to the old man’s early morning greeting, and was asleep again almost immediately.

In about fifteen minutes he was again awakened by the pounding on his door and heard the voice of the old man saying apologetically, “Don’t get up. I rapped on the wrong door!”

—oooOooo—

Reporter – “To what do you attribute your great age?”

Oldest Inhabitant – “I hain’t sure yet, sir. There be several o’ them patent medicine companies as is bargaining with me.”

A Matter of Wonder

“Tomorrow,” announced five-year-old Sidney proudly to his kindergarten teacher, “is my birfday.”

“Why,” returned she, “it is mine, too.”

The boy’s face clouded with perplexity, and, after a brief silence, he exclaimed: “How did you get so much bigger’n me?”

Little Walter and His Pa

Master Walter, aged five, had eaten the soft portions of his toast at breakfast, and piled the crusts on his plate.

“When I was a little boy,” remarked his father, who sat opposite him, “I always ate the crusts of my toast.”

“Did you like them?” inquired his offspring, cheerfully.

“Yes,” replied the parent.

“You may have these,” said Master Walter, pushing his plate across the table.

A Dream

Wishing to learn what his nephew would say, Uncle Charles asked little Fred, “What would you do if you stood at the root of a tree with your foot on the head of a live rattlesnake, a tiger was crouching on a branch above ready to spring, and you saw a wild Indian running at you with uplifted tomahawk?”

“I should wake right up,” was the unexpected reply.

Too Much for One

“I am looking for my son,” said a sharp featured woman, recently, entering an office building in Washington, where she found the janitor sitting at the entrance, tipped back in a chair. “Have you seen him? He’s a tall, slim boy.”

“Very tall, was he?” asked the janitor.

“Very – and slender.”

“I think I saw him here a minute ago.”

“Where was he?” demanded the woman.

“Well, madam,” replied the janitor, “as nearly as I could make out, he was on the first and second floors.”

Kitty’s Sympathy

In her very early youth Mrs. Smith had been a pretty child. Her friends did not believe this was possible, and even she had forgotten all about it till one day she unearthed a painting of herself at that period from among some old lumber.

“There, Kitty,” said Mrs. Smith, proudly exhibiting the picture to the servant maid, “that is a portrait of me, painted when I was a child.”

Kitty gazed open-mouthed at the production. “Lor’, mum,” she said, after some moments, “what a pity it is we have to grow up, ain’t it?”

Not So Sudden After All

He – “Oh, please, Miss Jeanne, do not call me Mr. Durand!”

She (coyly) – “Oh, but our acquaintance is so short. Why should I not call you that?”

He – “Well, chiefly because my name is Dupont.”

Suspense

The secretary of one of the college classes at Princeton, in sending out each year a list of questions to be answered by members of the class, in order that the results may be duly tabulated and set forth in the university annual, is said always to include in his list this question: “Are you engaged?”

It would seem that one of the members was cursed with doubt in this respect for in the blank space given over to the query mentioned he made his return as follows: “Do not know. Am awaiting letter.”

All Kinds

“Football!” growled the angry father. “Ugh!”

“But surely,” said his friend, “your son won high honors in football at his college?”

“He did,” assented the father.

“First he was a quarter back –”

“Yes.”

Then a half back – ”

“Yes.”

“Then a fullback –”

“Yes.”

“And now – what is he now?”

“Now,” roared the father, “he is a hunchback!”

An Editorial Endorsement

From a serious-minded jester the editor received this note, together with a consignment of humor that was heavy enough to go by freight:

“Dear Sir – I read all these jokes to my wife, and she laughed heartily. Now, I have it on good authority that when a man’s wife will laugh at his jokes they are bound to be very good – or she is.” – Yours, etc.”

The editor slipped them into the return envelope with the letter, after writing on the margin, “She is.”



2 Comments »

  1. It’s always fun trying to figure out how to slip these into casual conversation at Church on Sundays…

    Thanks for posting Ardis!

    Comment by Stan Way — May 12, 2012 @ 4:23 pm

  2. “A colored woman was on trial before a magistrate charged with inhuman treatment of her offspring.”

    Personally, I don’t think magistrates charged with inhuman treatment of their offspring ought to be allowed to preside over trials! ;D

    Comment by Ken — May 14, 2012 @ 2:34 pm

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