Neighbor, angrily: “Professor, I’m surprised to hear that your chickens have been over the wall scratching up my garden.”
Professor, with dignity: “My dear sir, that can hardly be regarded as a phenomenon. If your garden had come over the wall and scratched my chickens, I could have understood your astonishment.”
There’s Always Something
The son: “Say, Pop, how soon will I be old enough to do just as I please?
The dad: “I don’t know, son; nobody has ever lived that long yet.”
The Right Length
The novice was not enjoying his first trip through the air, and his more experienced companion regarded him with amusement. “I say, Bill,” he demanded, “what’s on your mind?”
“I was just thinking about Abraham Lincoln,” replied Bill, thoughtfully.
“Yes, I was thinking how truthfully he spoke when he said a man’s legs ought to be just long enough to reach the ground.”
Two Irishmen, who had not seen each other for a long time, met at a fair.
O’Brien: “Sure, it’s married I am, and I have got a fine healthy boy, which the neighbors say is the very picture of me.”
Malone: “Och, well, what’s the harm, so long as the child is healthy?”
According to a story that comes from across the water, a professor in a Scotch college was giving a demonstration of the properties of various acids.
“Now,” he addressed the class, “I am going to drop this two-shilling piece into this glass of acid. What we wish to find out is, will it dissolve?”
“No, sir,” came the prompt reply from one of the students.
“No?” repeated the professor; “then perhaps you will explain to the class why it won’t dissolve.”
“If it would,” came the answer, “you wouldn’t drop it in.”
Truth of the Matter
Housewife: “What makes this letter so damp?”
Postman: “Postage due, I guess!”
Food for Thought
There’s one nice thing about a census. It elevates everybody to the important position of an official statistic.
Accident: Where presence of mind is handy, but absence of body is more healthful.
Confidence: The feeling you have before you know better.
Don’t forget that an automobile can easily change recreation into a wreck-creation.
Little Tommy had bought Grandma a Bible for Christmas, and wanted to write a suitable inscription on the flyleaf. He racked his brain for what to write, until he remembered that his father had a number of books which he presented to his friends, and in each one wrote an inscription of which he was very proud. So Tommy decided to copy it.
Imagine Grandma’s surprise on Christmas morning when she opened her gift and found neatly inscribed the following phrase: “To Grandma, with the compliments of the Author.”
“My hardest job always comes before breakfast!”
“What is it?”
Three boy Scouts were at a Scout meeting and told the Scoutmaster they had done their “good deed that day.”
“Well, boys, what did you do?” asked the master.
“We helped an old lady across the street a little while ago,”chimed the boys in unison.
“And did it take all three of you to do that?” asked the master suspiciously.
“Yes, it did,” again chimed the boys. Then the smallest one of the three added, “She didn’t want to go.”
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubt.
A longing kindled in the little boy’s eyes and a wistful smile crooked his mouth as he sat on the living-room floor and looked up at the glowing tree. Torn Christmas wrappings with their tinseled tokens still clung to a few gifts around the tree, evidences of the great excitement of the morning which was hours past. “I wish,” he sighed to his father, “I wish it was morning again!”
Rules for making a speech: Get up, speak up, shut up, sit down.
Which Came First?
Three men were arguing over whose profession was first established on earth.
Said the surgeon, “The Bible says that Eve was made by carving a rib out of Adam. I guess that makes mine the oldest profession.”
Said the engineer, “Not at all. An engineering job came before that. In six days the Earth was created out of chaos – and that was an engineer’s job.”
Said the politician, “Yes, but who created the chaos?”
Elsie: “She got her feelings hurt because she kept overhearing the word ‘idiot’ and thought you were referring to her.”
Elizabeth: “How conceited – as if there were no other idiots in the world.”
To argue with a woman is like going into a shower bath with an umbrella over you. What good does it do?
Applicant: “If I take a job with you, will you pay me what I’m worth?”
Manager: “We’ll do better than that. We’ll even go so far as to pay you a small salary.”
“I beg your pardon, but what is your name?” the hotel clerk asked.
“Name!” echoed the indignant guest who had just signed the register. “Don’t you see my signature there on the register?”
“I do,” replied the clerk. “That’s what aroused my curiosity.”
After Mark Twain made a trip to the Hawaiian Islands in 1866, his friends persuaded him to give a lecture recounting his experiences. In order to encourage him, since it was to be his first lecture, they promised to place cohorts at strategic places in the audience, who would laugh at the proper time.
When Twain appeared on the platform, his knees were knocking so violently together that his friends were afraid he wouldn’t last long enough to need their services.
But their services were unnecessary for another reason. His opening remark was: “Julius Caesar is dead, Shakespeare is dead, Napoleon is dead, Abraham Lincoln is dead, and I am far from well myself.” This made it difficult for him to proceed with the rest of his talk on account of the laughter.
We are told that romance lasted longer after the honeymoon in olden days. That could have been because the bride looked the same after washing her face.