No Answer to This
“H’m,” the publisher murmured. “Your handwriting’s so indistinct I can hardly read these poems of yours. Why didn’t you type them before bringing them to me?”
“Type ‘em?” the would-be poet gasped. “D’you think I’d waste my time writing poetry if I could type?”
A member of a new jury panel in circuit court at Kansas City, gave his name as Peter J. Nugent.
“Do you happen to be related to Anthony P. Nugent, the lawyer?” he was asked.
“Yes, sir, I am a distant relative of his.”
“Please be more explicit about this distant relationship. Is he your cousin, nephew, or what?”
“Well, you see, there are 16 children in our family. I am the oldest, and Anthony is the youngest.”
Just a Little Thing Like That
Dot: “So you’re not going to marry that Mr. Firthson after all. Why not?”
Helene: “Well, father thinks he isn’t rich enough and mother thinks he is too old for me. Aunt Mary thinks he is too good looking to make a good husband, and Uncle Joe says he has heard things about him.”
Dot: “But what do you think about it?”
Helene: “Oh, I think I ought to wait until he asks me.”
“Move that car along.”
“Don’t get fresh – I’m a Delta.”
“I don’t care if you were a whole peninsula. Move that wreck.”
Saving Their Faces
“Yep, I had a beard like yours once, and when I realized how it made me look I cut it off, b’gosh.”
“Wal – I hed a face like yours once, and when I realized that I couldn’t cut it off I grew this beard, by heck.”
A little boy stepped into a drug store telephone booth, leaving the door open, and the drug clerk heard him say, after getting the desired number, ‘Hello, is this Mr. Brown? Well, I’m a little boy looking for work, an’ I thought mebbe you all had a job for me. What’s that, you has a little boy now? Well, is he satisfactory? – You say he is. That sure is too bad, ‘cause I need a job. Goodbye.”
When the boy came out of the booth, the clerk told him he was sorry he didn’t get the job and said he would try to find something for him.
“That’s all right, boss,” he answered. “I’m the boy that works for Mr. Brown, and was just checking up on myself.”
The ferry was only a few feet out from the wharf when there was a great commotion on the dock. A man rushed madly through the crowd. Without pausing in his stride he flung his grips aboard, and took a flying leap for the boat. he slipped and started to fall into the water, but grasped a rail and, with the help of the deck hands, scrambled to the deck in safety.
“Good,” he gasped. “Another second and I would have missed her.”
“Missed her?” returned an astonished passenger. “Why, the ferry’s just coming.”
Another on Sandy
Once upon a time a Scotchman stayed away from a banquet because he didn’t know what the word “gratis” meant on the invitation. The next morning he was found dead beside an open dictionary.
In the Butcher Shop
Big Meat Man: ‘Hurry up, Jimmie – break the bones in Mr. Jones’s chops and put Mr. Smith’s ribs in the basket for him.”
Little Meat Boy: “Yes, sir, as soon as I’ve sawed off Mrs. Murphy’s leg.”
Rest in Peace
A party of sailors were being shown over the cathedral by a guide.
“Behind the altar,” he told them, “lies Richard the Second. In the churchyard outside lies Mary, Queen of Scots; also Henry the Eighth. And who,” he demanded, halting above an unmarked flagstone, “who do you think is a-lying ‘ere?”
“Well,” answered a salt, “I don’t know for sure, but I have my suspicions.”
Cause to Worry
A police surgeon in Philadelphia says one is sober if he is able to say “Susie sat in the soup.”
The one we wonder about is Susie.
A Common Experience
A successful business man, after eight years of absence, alighted at the station of the old home town. There was, despite his expectations, no one on the platform whom he knew. No one. Discouraged, he sought out the station master, a friend since boyhood. To him at least he would be welcome, and he was about to extend a hearty greeting when the other spoke first. “Hello, George,” he said, “going away?”
The Tree Crocodile
The customer proved most exacting, and the assistant was growing impatient.
“Now you are sure this is genuine crocodile skin?” the customer inquired, critically examining a handbag.
“Quite sure, madam,” was the reply. “You see, I know the man who shot that crocodile.”
“It looks rather dirty,” remarked the customer.
“Well, yes,” replied the assistant, “that’s where the animal struck the ground when it fell out of the tree.”
“Is the fish man here today?”
“How shad I know? Am I my brother’s kipper?”
“No, but I’ve been herring things about you.”
Said one lawyer to the other: “You’re a cheat!”
Replied the second lawyer: “And you’re a liar!”
“And now that both parties have identified each other,” remarked the judge, “we will proceed with the case.”
Motor Cop: “Hey, you! Didn’t you hear me say ‘pull over’?”
Driver: “Why, I thought you said, ‘Good afternoon, Senator.’”
Motor Cop: “It certainly is a warm day, isn’t it, Senator?”
“Since we have moved to the country,” explained the hostess, proudly, “we raise nearly everything that we eat. We keep our own cow.”
“Well,” said Robert, small son of one of the guests, “somebody sure stung you with a sour cow.”
Some twenty or thirty midshipmen were spending an afternoon, when some bad hombre came thundering in, shooting his pistol right and left, and said to the middies, “Every one of you dirty skunks get out of here.” Everybody scampered out except one little plebe. The bad man turned to him with his pistol still smoking and said, “Well?” The plebe sad, “There sure were a lot of ‘em.”
Friend: “And you have found a good lawyer?”
Widow: “Don’t talk to me about lawyers. I’ve had so much trouble over the property I sometimes wish my husband hadn’t died.”
Quid Pro Quo
Two Irishmen had just laid a wreath of flowers on a comrade’s grave, and while crossing another section of the cemetery they saw a Jap lay some rice on the grave of a countryman.
One of the Irishmen said: “When do you expect your friend to come and eat the rice?”
“When your friend comes to smell the flowers,” was the quick reply.
A young London girl who was holidaying in the country became rather friendly with a young farmer. One evening as they were strolling in the fields they happened across a cow and a calf rubbing noses in the accepted bovine fashion.
“Ah,” said the young farmer, “that sight makes me want to do the same.”
“Well, go ahead,” said the girl, encouragingly. “It’s your cow.”
Teacher: “Johnny, if your father earned forty dollars a week and gave your mother half, what would she have?”
Johnny: “Heart failure.”
A Good Alibi
The Judge (sternly): “Well, what’s your alibi for speeding sixty miles an hour through the residence section?”
The Victim: “I had just heard, your honor, that the ladies of my wife’s church were giving a rummage sale, and I was hurrying home to save my other pair of pants.”
The Judge: “Case dismissed.”
For the first time, driving through country lanes with her father one day, little Janet noticed a cow with a bell around its neck.
“Oh, daddy,” she cried, “do look at the cow’s locket. Wonder whose picture she carries in it!”
Matthew: “Well, Betty, and what progress are you making toward matrimony?”
Betty: “I think I’m on the last lap.”
“Have you ever driven a car?” the lady applicant for a license was asked.
“One hundred and twenty thousand miles,” put in her husband, “and never had a hand on the wheel.”
“Isn’t it hard,” said the landlady, “to think that this poor lamb was cut down in its youth to satisfy our appetites?”
“Yes,” replied the unhappy boarder at the other end of the table, “it is tough.”