Clerk: “Now that you’ve seen all the blankets in the store, which one do you wish?”
Lady: “Well, I was only looking for a friend, and I didn’t expect to buy.”
Clerk: “Well, ma’am, if you think she’s in that remaining blanket up there, I’ll take it down for you.”
“I’m getting on at the bank.”
“That’s fine, dear; but what makes you think so?”
“One of the vice presidents asked me if I worked there.”
Teacher: “Who signed the Magna Charta?”
Youngster: “Please, ma’am, ‘twasn’t me.”
Teacher (disgusted): “Oh, take your seat.”
Skeptical Member of School Board: “Here, call that boy back. I don’t like his manner. I believe he did do it.”
Mrs. Brown: “I admire Dr. Young immensely. He is so persevering in the face of difficulties that he always reminds me of Patience sitting on a monument.”
Mr. Brown: “Yes; but what I am becoming rather alarmed about is the number of monuments sitting on his patients.”
“Give me a slice of ham and a pint of gravy.”
A Good Specimen
The Old Gent: “Boy, am I all right for the Zoo?”
The Boy: “You look all right to me, mister; but I ain’t runnin’ it.”
A Safe Vehicle
Inquisitive Child: “Mother, what is a waffle?”
Bright Brother: “It’s a non-skid pancake.”
An Endless Whirl
He: “Do you remember when we met in the revolving door?”
Bright Young Thing: “Yes, that’s when we started going around together, wasn’t it?”
Speaking About Biscuits
“Papa,” said the small son, “what do they mean by college bread? Is it any different from any other kind of bread?”
“My son,” said the father, “college bread is a four years’ loaf.”
A Steady Boy
“That Jones boy that used to work for you wants to hire out to me. Is he steady?”
“Steady! If he were any steadier he’d be motionless.”
The waiter appealed to the manager.
“That gentleman says his soup isn’t fit for a pig.”
“Then take it away, you idiot, and bring him some that is.”
“I have a fine ideal for a slow-motion film,” said the author.
“What is it?” asked the producer.
“Two Scotsmen going into a theatre to buy tickets.”
A Commercial Balaklava
In a western town the attorney for a gas company was making a popular address.
“Think of the good the gas company has done,” he cried. “If I were permitted a pun I would say, in the words of the poet, ‘Honor the Light Brigade!’”
Whereupon a shrill voice came from the rear: “Oh, what a charge they made!”
A Southern negro minister who was fond of big words and complicated discourse was waited upon by the church committee and told that his style of preaching was not all that could be desired.
“Don’t I agrify and sputify?” inquired the minister.
“Yes, yo’ done agrify and sputify,” responded a member of the committee, “but yo’ don’t show wherein.”
The Doctor Was Due
“Mother, is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?”
“Yes, Jimmie. Why?”
“‘Cause if it is, I kept about 10 doctors away this morning – but I’m afraid one’ll have to come soon.”
Just a Plain Fit
A man subject to epileptic seizures was picked up unconscious on the streets of New York and rushed to a hospital, and when they took off his coat one of the nurses found a piece of paper pinned to the lining, upon which was written: “To inform the house surgeon that this is just a case of plain fit – not appendicitis. My appendix has already been removed twice.”
Mrs. Bilge: “I never knew your husband was lazy.”
Mrs. Bilks: “He’s had a postal on his desk for a week now and says he can’t read it because it is wrong side up.”
“I tell you, sir, I have played in all the largest theatres in Europe.”
“Yes, but they’re nothing compared with the theatres we have in America. Why, sir, we have theatres so big that when a man in a back seat throws an egg, it hatches out before it reaches the stage.”
A Willing Giver
Mother: “Jimmie, what would you like to give your cousin Joe for his birthday?”
Jimmie: “I know – but I’m not big enough.”
Boatman (to merrymakers) – I must ask you to pay in advance, as the boat leaks.
No She Wouldn’t!
“An’ the way she spoke, Mrs. ‘Arris, as though I was a bit o’ dirt. Why, I wouldn’t speak to my ‘usband the way she spoke to me.”