Today’s jokes come from the pages of the Millennial Star, where they were tucked into odd corners to fill up pages. Is it just me, or are these jokes a little more highbrow than the average Funny Bones? Naw, it’s just me.
“Now boys,” said a Sunday school teacher, addressing the Juvenile class, “can any of you tell me anything about Good Friday?”
“Yes, ma’am, I can,” replied one of the boys. “He was the fellow that done the housework for Robinson Crusoe.”
During the American Civil War the late Colonel Gabe Bouck organized a regiment which he controlled as a dictator. While the army was resting after Colonel Gabe’s first campaign, an itinerant evangelist wandered into camp, and, approaching the colonel, asked if he was the commanding officer.
“Ugh!” snorted “Old Gabe,” “what do you want?”
“I am only a servant of the Lord endeavoring to save the souls of the unfortunate. I have just left the camp of the –th Massachusetts, where I was instrumental in leading eight men into paths of righteousness.”
“Adjutant,” thundered Colonel Bouck, “detail ten men for baptism! No Massachusetts regiment shall beat mine for piety!”
Cure for Stinginess
A small church was sadly in want of general repairs, and a meeting was being held to raise funds for that purpose. The minister having said that to do the work $500 would be required, a very wealthy (and equally stingy) member of the congregation rose and said he would give $1. Just as he sat down a lump of plaster fell from the ceiling and hit him upon the head, whereupon he rose hastily and called out that he had made a mistake – he would give $50. That was too much for an enthusiast present, who, forgetful of everything, called out fervently, “O, Lord, hit him again!”
Have you a temper? It’s a good thing – keep it.
A Suitable Grace
A letter tells of a minister’s son who had been so disobedient at table that he was banished to a small table by himself, to eat there until he should repent and reform. He could not even join in the family grace, but was told to say grace at his own little table. So from his store of Scripture selections he chose this: “Oh, Lord, I thank Thee that Thou hast prepared a table for me in the presence of mine enemies.”
One stormy Sunday morning the pastor of a church in a small Ohio town was much gratified to observe in his congregation a woman who lived some distance away. At the conclusion of the service the pastor congratulated the faithful one, saying: “I must commend your bravery in coming such a distance through this terrible storm.” Much to his chagrin, the woman replied: “Well, pastor, it’s this way: My husband won’t go to church, and he’s that cross on Sunday morning after breakfast that I just naturally have to go somewhere to escape him.”
An Incomplete Story
“Goin’ far, mister?”
They were in a third-class compartment of one of the expresses running from London to Liverpool. The question was asked by a long-nosed, thin-lipped man with pointed chin, scanty whiskers, a slouch hat, and a hungry expression of countenance. He was resting his feet on the opposite seat of the carriage, which seat was partly occupied by a passenger in a grey check suit.
The passenger addressed turned partly round, and took a look at his questioner. “Yes, I am going to Crewe,” he replied. “My business there is to sell four shares of bank stock, dispose of my interest in a farm of eighty acres ten miles from the town, and invest the proceeds in a clothing establishment. I got into the train there at 9:32 o’clock this morning. it was forty-nine minutes behind time. My ticket from Euston cost me 13s. 2d. Had my breakfast about an hour ago. Paid 1s. 6d. for it. My name is Thomas harking,. I am thirty-nine years old, have a wife and four children, and am a member of the congregational church. I was formerly a chemist, but sold out to a man named Treadway, and I am not in business now. I am worth perhaps two thousand pounds. My father was a cooper, and my grandfather was a sea-captain. My wife’s name was Carr before I married her. Her father was a surveyor. The children have all had the mumps, chicken-pox, and measles. When I reach Crewe, I expect to put up at a hotel.”
The long-nosed man regarded him a moment with interest, and then asked in a dissatisfied way, “What did your great-grandfather do for a livin’?”
Supplied the Necessary Information
A teacher was instructing a class of infants in the Christian Sunday school, and was letting the children finish her sentences, to make sure they understood. “The idol had eyes,” she said, “but it couldn’t –”
“See,” cried the children.
“It had ears, but it couldn’t –”
“Hear,” said the class.
“It had lips, but it couldn’t –”
“Speak,” said the children.
“It had a nose, but it couldn’t –”
“Wipe it!”shouted the little ones.
“Complaints have been made against a farmer near Neenah, Wisconsin, U.S.A., for hitching four of his children to a plough, and making them drag it over a ten-acre plot,” says the New York American.
It is a great blessing for the poor Mormons that this is supposed to have happened in Wisconsin instead of Utah.
“Some very estimable people continue to fear that the Mormons are going to subvert our liberties, but the prospects of the Mormons controlling the country are not especially bright. Moreover, as somebody has suggested, as long as it keeps the average man busy taking care of one wife there is no pressing and immediate danger that polygamy will overrun the nation. The Mormon bugaboo has been overworked.” – Chicago Chronicle.
It is related that two Scotch fishermen, Jamie and Sandy, belated and befogged on a rough water, were in some trepidation lest they should never get ashore again. Finally Jamie said:
“Sandy, I’m steerin’, and I think you’d better put up a bit of a prayer.”
“I don’t know how,” said Sandy.
“If ye don’t, I’ll chuck ye overboard,” said Jamie.
Sandy began: “Oh, Lord, I never asked anything of ye for fifteen years, and if ye’ll only get us safe back I’ll never trouble ye again, and –”
“Whistht, Sandy!” said Jamie, “the boat’s touched shore; don’t be beholden to anybody.”
The Woes of Womankind
Flossie is six years old. “Mamma,” she asked one day, “if I get married will I have a husband like Pa?” “Yes,” replied the mother, with an amused smile. “And if I don’t get married will I have to be an old maid, like Aunt Kate?” “Yes, Flossie.” “Mamma,” she said, after a short pause, “it’s a tough world for us women, ain’t it?”
The Rev. Mr. Perkins, being called upon suddenly to address a Sunday school, thought he would get a few original ideas from his young hearers. “Children,” said he, “I want some of you to tell me what I shall talk to you about to-night. What shall I say?” At first there was no response. “That bright little fellow over there,” said he, pointing to a youngster on the back seat: “What shall I say to you to-night?” In a little, piping voice came the answer: “Say amen and sit down.”
And we end by going from the ridiculous to the sublime …
A little child gave a most exquisite explanation of walking with God. She said: “Enoch used to go for walks with God. And one day they went for an extra long walk, and they walked on and on, until God said to Enoch: ‘You are a long way from home; you had better just come in and stay.’ And he went.”