The Improvement Era asked its readers to submit Mormon-flavored jokes this year, mixed with the magazine’s usual brand of humor. Illustrations were provided by the Era’s in-house artist, Fielding K. (“Smat”) Smith.
Three old men went to heaven. Saint Peter asked the first: “Where did you live while on earth?”
He answered: “Illinois.”
“Come right in,” said Saint Peter. Turning to the next he asked, “Where did you live?”
“I came from Alabama,” replied the second.
“Come right in,” said Saint Peter; and asked the third, “Where are you from?”
“California,” said the third man.
“California? Is that so?” said the host. “Well, you can come in if you want to, but I don’t think you will like it here.”
The score was tied. There was one minute to play. The home team was lined up for the extra point kick. Any second now the ball would be snapped back for that last all important attempt. The crowd was spellbound, breathlessly counting the seconds. Would he make that final goal kick which meant victory?
“Let’s go now and avoid that terrible jam,” she said.
She never knew what hit her!
“Pop, what do they mean by ‘twaddle’?”
“That refers to arguments advanced by the other side, my son.”
Small daughter was more thrilled over the advent of five new kittens than was her mother. One day she was playing with them on the kitchen floor. Her mother, attempting to cross the room with a heavy pan of bread, found her way impeded by the sprawling cats.
“Daughter,” she cried sharply, “Get your cats out of here before I step on them.”
“All right,” replied the child, beginning to pile the cats into her apron; “I’ll get them out, but I think you don’t have the spirit of the gospel toward my cats.”
Judge: “And what explanation do you have to offer for driving sixty miles an hour through the residential district?”
Motorist: “I had just heard, your honor, that the Relief Society, of which my wife is a member, were giving a rummage sale, and I was hurrying home to save my other pair of trousers.”
Judge: “Case dismissed.”
Certainly No Worse
Landlady: “I think you had better board elsewhere.”
Boarder: “Yes, I often had.”
Landlady: “Often had what?”
Boarder: “Had better board elsewhere.”
Politics as Usual
Politician: “Congratulate me, Dear; I got the nomination.”
Politician: “Why bring that up?”
Boy Scout (to elderly lady): “May I accompany you across the street, madam?”
Elderly Lady: “Certainly, sonny. How long have you been waiting here for somebody to take you across?”
The Real Bandit
Bob: “I hear they caught one of those hotel robbers.”
Job: “That so? What hotel did he run?”
First Golfer: “What is your handicap?”
Second Golfer: “A wife and eight children.”
How About During?
“When is the best time to see Mr. Smith?”
“Well, that’s hard to say. He’s grouchy until he has his lunch, and afterward he has indigestion.”
Out of Order
Impatient Customer: “Can’t you wait on me? Two pounds of liver. I’m in a hurry.”
Butcher: “Sorry, Madam, but two or three are ahead of you. You surely don’t want your liver out of order!”
Naming the Baby
Impatient Man (outside telephone booth): “Can I help you find the number you want?”
Young Woman (sweetly): “Oh, I don’t want a number. I’m looking for a pretty name for my baby.”
Hill: “So tomorrow is your wedding anniversary. What do you expect to get for your wife?”
Gill: “I don’t know. I haven’t had any offers.”
Supply and Demand
Teacher: “Who is the smartest man living?”
Pupil: “Thomas A. Edison – he invented the phonograph and improved the radio so people would stay up all night and use his electric light bulbs.”
“Dad, when has a man horse sense?”
“When he can say, ‘nay,’ my son.”
All fairy tales do not begin with, “Once upon a time”; some begin, “I’ll be working late at the office.”