Much Preferable

Critic: “You’ll never have your name inscribed in the Hall of Fame.”

Author: “Maybe not, but I’d sooner have people asking why it isn’t there than asking why it is.”

Give Him Time

The kind old gentleman met his friend, little Willie, one very hot day.

“Hello, Willie!” he exclaimed. “And how is your dear old grandpa standing the heat?”

“Ain’t heard yet,” said William. “He’s only been dead a week.”

Disturbing

Stage Hand (to manager): “Shall I lower the curtain, sir? One of the living statues has the hiccups!”

Good Bus

“Not a bad looking car you have there, Brown; what’s the most you ever got out of it?”

“Six times in one mile.”

Too Many

Inebriate (addressing a barber pole): “Now, a’leash shix of you zebras has got to get out. Whasha think I am, an animal trainer?”

Slow Motion Picture

“Oh, pa, see the statue they’re putting up,” said Billy, pointing to a figure on a scaffolding.

“That’s not a statue, my son, that’s a bricklayer.”

Diplomatic Speech

Corporal: “I hear that the drill sergeant called you a block head.”

Private: “No, he didn’t make it that strong.”

Corporal: “What did he actually say?”

Private: “‘Put on your hat, here comes a woodpecker.’”

The Thing to Be Feared

“Can’t the Democrats of this town get together?” inquired the political exhorter in Kentucky.

“Get together!” answered the man with court-plaster on his ear; “why, it takes 11 deputy sheriffs to keep ‘em apart!”

Another One on Sandy

Brown: “Do you think the dead can communicate with us?”

Black: “I know they can’t. Once I borrowed a dollar from a Scotchman. A week later he died, and I haven’t heard a word since.”

Shame Anna!

Anna: “I wonder if I shall lose my looks when I am as old as you?”

Belle: “You’ll be lucky if you do, dear!”

Cruelty to Animals

He took her out for an ice cream treat,
His pretty, blue-eyed Sal;
But fainted when he read the sign,
“Cream, ninety cents a gal.”

In the Last Lap

Mike: “Harry’s been chasing that girl for years. How do you suppose it will end?”

Ike: “In a tie.”

The Difference

Professor: “You must not neglect your studies for athletics, young man.”

Student: “That’s what dad says, but I’ve noticed that he never gets up and cheers when he hears me quoting Latin in the way he cheers when he sees me playing football.”

Not a Physician

The diner was overwrought and overworked. Also he was hungry.

The waiter came up and said: “I’ve got deviled kidneys, pigs’ feet and calves’ brains.”

The diner replied: “What are your troubles to me? I came here to eat.”

Not Noticeable

“See any change in me?”

“No, why?”

“Because I’ve just swallowed a cent.”

Dynamic Personality

“Here comes a friend of mine. He’s a human dynamo.”

“Really?”

“Yes, everything he has on is charged.”

One Missing

The carriage was crowded as the young man opened the door and asked: “Is this Noah’s Ark full?”

“Yes,” was the reply from the man in the corner, “we’re all here except the ass; come in.”

Mislaid

Wife: “I hear that Mrs. De Koltay is going to Paris for her gowns.”

Hub: “Judging from her appearance the last time I saw her, she must have left her clothes somewhere.”

Tit for Tat

“Splendid!” said she, as he slipped the engagement ring on her finger. “Splendid! You’ve hit on my favorite stone, which is more than any of the others ever did.”

“It’s the one I always use,” said he.

Absent-Minded

Carter was telling me the story about the man who thought he had left his watch at home and took it out to see if he had time to go back for it. “That isn’t so bad as the man I heard of,” said the other man. “He left his office and put out a card to say that he would be back at three o’clock. Finding that he had forgotten something, he sent back to his office, read the notice on the door and sat down on the stairs to wait till three o’clock.”

It Pleased

Author: “And what did you think of my last joke?”

Editor: “Mighty glad to know it was your last.”

Slender Fare

Ella: “Something is preying on Dick’s mind.”

Jack: “Don’t worry; it will die of starvation.”

Not Fair

“Hey, Rodney, look here! I weigh three pounds more’n you!”

“Aw, g’wan; y’r cheatin’, Skinny! Youse got y’r hands in y’r pockets!”

A Very Smart Doctor

While the diagnosis of the patient, who had eaten rather generously, was proceeding, the sick man said, “Doctor, do you think the trouble is in the appendix?”

“Oh, no,” said the doctor, “not at all. The trouble is with your table of contents.”