1942. Jokes. Church magazines. Go:
Mrs. Portly Snoot engaged a noted pianist to play the accompaniment for her two solos at an afternoon musicale. He finished his share of the first number thin-lipped and frowning, and halfway through the second one he suddenly struck a thundering discord and arose with ill-concealed fury.
“Madam,” he cried, “id is absolutely no use! Vedder I play on der vite keys or vedder I play mit der black vuns, you sing in der cracks.”
Mama’s Little Boy
“And what did mama’s little baby learn at school today?”
“I learned two guys not to call me mama’s little baby.”
A Full Panel
Judge: “What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this prisoner?”
Jury Foreman: “Insanity, sir.”
Judge: “All 12 of you?”
A Complete Answer
“You men don’t appreciate us women as you should. I’d like to know what you’d do if there were no women to sew buttons on your pants.”
“Well, if there were no women, we wouldn’t have to wear pants!”
A Lesson in Grammar
Uncle: “I suppose you’ll be at the school picnic, John?”
John: “No, I ain’t going.”
Uncle: “Don’t say ‘I ain’t going,’ Johnny. Here, I’ll give you a lesson: ‘I am not going, you are not going, he is not going, we are not going, they are not going.’ Now, can you say all that?”
John: “Sure. There ain’t nobody going.”
The two Nazi officers in occupied France decided to rent a room – for which they would pay, of course, in “occupation money.” They examined what the landlord showed them.
“And how much do you charge for this pigsty?” asked one German.
“One pig, 100 francs; two pigs, 200 francs,” replied the Frenchman without battling an eye.
Our idea of a mean guy is the musician who put his mother-in-law’s picture on the drum.
The Strong Man
“Look, Daddy,” said a little six-year-old. “I pulled this cornstalk right up all by myself.”
“My, but you’re strong,” said his father.
“I guess I am, Daddy. The whole world had hold of the other end of it.”
The Busy Bee
A bald-headed gent, slightly intoxicated, was sitting in front of a cigar store fanning himself with his hat. Flies lighting on his bald head and running across it tickled him so that he laughed and giggled in high glee. But suddenly a bee landed on his head and stung him. Immediately he wiped his hand across his head, commanding sharply: “You’ve all got to get off now – there’s a smart aleck in the crowd!”
The Truth at Last
Fisherman: “I tell you it was that long. I never saw such a fish.”
Friend: “I believe you.”
“My fiancé lost his money in Wall Street.”
“I bet you feel sorry for him.”
“Yes, he’ll miss me.”
“Your uncle seems rather hard of hearing.”
“Hard of hearing? Why, one morning he conducted prayers kneeling on the family cat.”
A Disturbing Element
Co: “I can’t say I enjoy dancing – it’s nothing but necking set to music.”
Ed: “What’s wrong with that?”
Co: “The music’s so distracting.”
The Chief Skunk
Customer (in fur shop): “Have you any skunk?”
Clerk: “Just a moment, Madame, I’ll call the boss.”
Definition of Ethics
Small Abie: “Poppa – vot is it ethics?”
Papa Lefkovitz: “Vell, sonny, it’s like this. Suppose a customer gives me a twenty dollar bill instead of a ten. Now ethics is, should I tell my partner or shouldn’t I?”
Practice Makes Perfect
Mrs. Hoosis (to neighbor’s little boy who was being cared for by her during the temporary absence of his parents): “Are you quite sure you can cut your meat?”
Little Boy: “Sure. We often have meat just as tough as this at home.”
Junior: “Pop, how can you tell when a man’s had too much to drink?”
Pop: “See those two men over there? Well, when a man’s had too much they look like four men.”
Junior: “But there’s only one man over there.”
A Horse on Joe
Moe: “I have a farm but I’m having a little trouble with it – my white horses eat more than my black horses.”
Joe: “Why is that?”
Moe: “I don’t know. Maybe it’s because we have more white horses than we have black ones.”
Customer: “Are you sure this parrot can talk?”
Dealer: “Talk! Why, a woman’s club sold him to me because none of the members could get a word in.”
No Cause to Worry
Three partners were riding in a train and one of them said: “We forgot to lock the safe in our office.”
Another said: “What are you worrying about… we’re all here together, aren’t we?”
The End of Courtesy
A man slipped on the stairs of the subway and started sliding to the bottom. Half way down he collided with a lady, knocking her off her feet and the two of them continued together. After they reached the bottom, the lady, still dazed, was sitting on the man’s chest.
What did the man say?
“I’m sorry, madam, but this is as far as I go.”
The Raw Recruit
A recruit passed a captain without saluting and was called back.
“Didn’t you notice the uniform?” the captain asked.
“Why, you lucky stiff,” replied the recruit. “You got a suit that fits.”
In a Blind Alley
Rich Uncle: “You boys of today want too much money. Do you know what I was getting when I married your aunt?”
Nephew: “No … and I bet you didn’t either.”
We All Do It
A man was in a barber chair getting shaved when somebody ran in the shop and said, “Hey, Smith, your home is on fire!” He jumped out of the chair, ran about a block up the street, stopped suddenly and said, “What am I running for … my name isn’t Smith!”