Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1922 (5)
 


Funny Bones, 1922 (5)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - March 10, 2012

In Auto Land

“I saw a pedestrian on the road yesterday.”

“What! A live one?”

A Fateful Night

Mike Murphy was very popular in the works. Even the boss would stop and crack a joke with him.

One day he met Mike. “Morning, Mike!” he said. “I hear that lately you’ve taken quite a fancy for the girls.”

Mike blushed and snickered.

“Have you met your fate yet?” went on the boss.

“Shure and begorrah, sir,” exclaimed Mike ruefully. “I met won af her father’s fate last night!”

A Pertinent Question

An old lady, after waiting in a confectionery store for about ten minutes, grew grossly impatient at the lack of service.

“Here, young lady,” she called, “who serves the nuts?”

Right up to Date

“Are your new neighbors modern people?”

“Modern? Say, they sent in last night to borrow our radio set!”

Good Wishes

“I’m quite a near neighbor of yours now,” said Mr. Bore, “I’m living just across the river.”

“Indeed,” replied Miss Smart, “I hope you’ll drop in some day.”

Smart Boy

“What kind of boys go to heaven, Willie?”

“Dead ones.”

A Prospective Blessing

“Luther Burbank is trying to produce a seedless watermelon.”

“Now, if he would only give us a squirtless grapefruit.”

Oh, why?

Flo – “According to the higher theologians, Adam was merely hypnotized at the time of his marriage.”

Jo – “Why pick on Adam?”

One Advantage

“Which is the way to Ottawa, my lad?”

“I – I don’t know.”

“Which is the way to Topeka, then?”

“I – I don’t know.”

“Well, can you tell me how to get back to Wichita, then?”

“I – I – I don’t know.”

By this time the drummer was quite impatient, and said to the boy: “Say, you don’t know very much, do you?”

“No! But – but I ain’t lost.”

Stung

An American evangelist was engaged by a church for a week’s special mission. On his arrival he went to see the minister.

“What sort of church have you here?”

“Well,” replied the pastor, “I’m afraid things are pretty bad. The people are worldly and careless, the congregations are small, there is no interest in missions, no one comes to a prayer-meeting, dances and card parties go on all through the week, and the people are indifferent to the claims of religion.”

“Well,” sneered the evangelist, “if I had a church with members like that, I’d go out and hire a yellow dog to bite ‘em.”

“Yes,” said the minister, “that’s what we’ve done.”

The Fireless Telephone

In Hades: “Hell-o!”

In Heaven: “Hal-o!”

Oh, Mamma!

“Were you ever pinched for going too fast?”

“No, but I’ve been slapped.”

In Reno

“Si Willow, who married the widow they said had a sweet temper and lots of money, is goin’ to sue for a divorce.”

“On what grounds?”

“Mistaken identity.”

Missing

“Has anyone seen Pete?”

“Pete who?”

“Petroleum.”

“Kerosene him yesterday and he hasn’t benzine since.”

The Cave Man

“Naw, I never vote. I never bother with public affairs.”

“Did you consent to be counted when the census was taken?”

Friendly Enemies

“When I looked out the window, Johnny, I was glad to see you playing marbles with Billy Simpkins.”

“We wuzzn’t playing marbles, ma. We just had a fight, and I was helping him pick up his teeth.”

Classics

“Samantha, what’s the chune the orchestry’s playin’ now?”

“It’s by a fellow named Chopin.”

“Well, maybe, but it sounds a deal more like sawin’.”

Let This One Sink In

Lion Tamer – “Step into the cage with the lion, Rastus, and let the photographer focus you.”

Rastus – “He’d better focus me before ah goes in there, boss, for he ain’t gwine have no time to focus me when ah comes out.”



6 Comments »

  1. Happy Birthday Ardis.

    Comment by Cliff — March 10, 2012 @ 10:06 am

  2. Great thread hijack, Cliff! Happy Birthday, Ardis!

    Comment by Carol — March 10, 2012 @ 10:33 am

  3. Don’t make me turn off comments ….

    (but thanks)

    Comment by Ardis E. Parshall — March 10, 2012 @ 11:05 am

  4. Ok, ok. I was going to talk about squirtless grapefruit. That would be my vote. It’s fun to see Burbank again.

    Comment by Carol — March 10, 2012 @ 11:52 am

  5. I hope you don’t start editing these comments and skipping over the birthday wishes, from me also.

    Comment by Maurine Ward — March 10, 2012 @ 7:09 pm

  6. Thanks, Maurine.

    Comment by Ardis E. Parshall — March 10, 2012 @ 7:28 pm

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