From the church magazines of 1931 —
Billfuzz – “I wonder if that fat old girl over there is really trying to flirt with me?”
Goodman – “I can easily find out by asking her; she is my wife.”
Pass the Cough Drops
“Quick, Doctor, do something! I was playing a mouth organ an’ swallowed it!”
“Keep calm, sir, and be thankful you were not playing the piano.”
Taking His Word for It
She – “Where do all the bugs go in winter?”
He – “Search me.”
She – “No, thanks. I just wanted to know.”
In the next cage we have the great African Wiffle Bird – the bird that flies backwards. He doesn’t give a continental where he’s going. He just wants to see where he’s been.
“Hey, man, where you been? Ain’t seen you for thirty days.”
“Ain’t nobody seen me for thirty days.”
“What you been doin’?”
Magistrate (to prisoner): “How big was the brick you threw? Was it as large as my head?”
Prisoner: “Yes, your honor, but not so thick.”
There Is No Next
John: “Next to a beautiful girl, what do you think is the most interesting thing in the world?”
Tom: “When I’m next to a beautiful girl I’m not thinking about statistics.”
An Important Case
“Can’t you come to the party tonight, Mandy?”
“Nope, can’t do it, Andy. I’ve got a case of lumbago.”
“Well, that don’t make no difference; bring it with you. Those fools’ll drink anything.’
Mama: “Now, Frankie, if they pass you cake a second time at the party you must say, ‘No, thanks, I’ve had plenty.’ And don’t you forget it.”
All went well with the boy until the hostess said kindly:
“Won’t Frankie have another piece of cake?”
“No, thanks. I’ve had plenty, and don’t you forget it!” was the astonishing reply.
A Bunch of Them
“Folks,” said the minister, “the subject of my sermon this evening is ‘Liars.’ How many in the congregation have read the 69th chapter of Matthew?”
Nearly every hand in the audience was raised immediately.
“That’s right,’ said his reverence. “You are just the folks I want to preach to. There is no 69th chapter of Matthew.”
Capt. George Fried of the ship President Roosevelt was telling fog stories at a dinner in Washington:
“There’s a good fog story,” he said, “about a business man who received one foggy morning a telephone message from his bookkeeper.
“‘I’m sorry, sir,’ the bookkeeper said, ‘but I can’t come down to the office this morning on account of the fog. I haven’t yet arrived home yesterday.’”
Teacher (to new pupil): “What is your father’s name, Ethel?”
New Pupil: “Daddy.”
Teacher: “Yes, I know. But what does your mother call him?”
New Pupil: “She don’t call him anything. She likes him.”
Reduction of Armaments
“And how is your husband getting on with his reducing exercises, Mrs. Higgins?”
“You’d be surprised – that battleship he had tattooed on his chest is now only a row boat!”
Doctor: “As I said, you’ve just regained consciousness after the crash. I’m Dr. Peter, and –“
Victim: “Oh, for a second you gave me a shock. I thought you said you were St. Peter.”
“Were you nervous the first time you asked your husband for money?”
“No, I was calm – and collected.”
Beat Him to It
“Did you tell her when you proposed that you were unworthy of her? That always makes a good impression.”
“I was going to, but she told me first.”
First Flea: “Where will you send little Hoppy when he grows up?”
Second Flea: “Oh, I suppose he’ll go to the dogs like his father.”
Isn’t It So?
Teacher: “What is ignorance, Tommy?”
Tommy: “Ignorance is when you don’t know anything and somebody finds it out.”
Nut So Many
Scotchman: “There’s a fine building for ye. What dae ye think of it?”
American: “Say, that’s nothing. We’ve got hundreds of buildings like that.”
Scotchman: “I expect ye have. ‘Tis an asylum.”
Keeping It a Secret
Hubby: “Where’s the idea? These shirts are four sizes too big for me. You know my size.”
Wifey: “Well, the big sizes cost just the same as the little ones and I wasn’t going to let that new clerk know what a shrimp I married.”
Father: “Why were you kept in at school?”
Son: “I didn’t know where the Azores were.”
Father: “Well, in the future just remember where you put things.”
An Eye for Business
A priest offered twenty-five cents to the boy who could tell him who was the greatest man in history.
“Christopher Columbus,” answered the Italian boy.
“George Washington,” answered the American lad.
“St. Patrick,” shouted the Jewish boy.
“The quarter is yours,” said the priest, “but why did you say St. Patrick?”
“Right down in my heart I know it was Moses,” said the Jewish boy, “but business is business.”
Off On the Wrong Foot
Male Straphanger: “Madam, you are standing on my foot.”
Female Ditto: “I beg your pardon. I thought it belonged to the man sitting down.”