Breath-taking items from the joke pages of the Church magazines of 1922 —
No Irish There
Two Jews in a street car. First Jew: “I vill nefer go py Rockaway agaen fer de summer. Nothing but Irish everywhere.”
Second Jew: “It’s de same at Saratoga, Abey; it’s alive mit Irish. I vish I could go vere dere was no Irish.”
Mrs. Clancy (on the opposite seat): “Yez can both go to hell; ye’ll find no Irish there.”
A little girl walked into a confectionery store, placed a five-cent piece on the counter, and called for an ice-cream cone.
“Ice-cream cones are seven cents, little girl,” the fizz clerk announced.
“Well, then gimme a soda pop.”
“Got any root beer?”
“Yep, six cents, too.”
The little girl sighed disappointedly and started out, leaving her nickel on the counter.
“Here, little girl, you’re leaving your five-cent piece,” the clerk called to her.
“Oh, that’s all right, the child shouted back. “It’s no good to me – it won’t buy anything.”
Wise from Experience
“Richard,” said Mrs. Nagatem, “your manners are getting worse. Today at Mrs. Smith’s I saw you take your handkerchief and wipe off the chair before you sat down. And worst of all her darling boy was watching you.”
“Yes, my dear,” replied Mr. Nagatem, “and I was watching the darling little boy, too. I’m too old to get caught on that bent pin stuff.”
Prof. – “Do you know where shingles were first used?”
Frosh — “I’d rather not tell.”
Visitor – “Are your children doing anything for you in this, your last illness?”
Old Man – “Oh, yes, they are keeping up my life insurance.”
Clergyman – ‘I brought back that second-hand car I bought from you last week. it is too obstreperous.”
Dealer – “What’s wrong? Can’t you run it?”
Clergyman — “Not and stay in the ministry.”
A Sure Thing
Visitor, in early morning, after weekend, to chauffeur – “Don’t let me miss my train.”
Chauffeur – “No danger, sir. The mistress said if I did, it’d cost me my job.”
An Awful Surprise
Marjory – “Mamma, were you at home when I was born?”
Mother – “No, darling, I was at grandma’s in the country.”
Marjory – “Wasn’t you awf’ly s’prised when you heard about it?”
Only a Hobo
The hobo had asked the hard-faced woman for something to eat. “Yes,” she replied, “I’ll fix you some supper if you’ll saw and split some wood, sweep off the walk, fix that hole in the fence, tidy up the yard and burn that rubbish piled up at the cellar door.”
“Lady,” said the hobo, as he started away, “I’m only a hobo; I ain’t your husband!”
Letting Him Down Easy
A rich man, lying on his death bed, called his chauffeur who had been in his service for years and said:
“Ah, Sykes, I am going on a long and rugged journey, worse than ever you drove me.”
“Well, sir,” consoled the chauffeur. “There’s one comfort. It’s all downhill.”
The Bride – “That flour you sent me yesterday was tough.”
“Yes, my husband simply couldn’t get his teeth into the pastry I made with it.”
“Daddy, did you find your charm?” cried a small boy anxiously.
“Why, I heard mother say you’d lost the charm you had when you were young.”
They seated themselves at the table. “Will you have a little shrimp?” he asked.
“Dear me,” she exclaimed, “this is so sudden!”
Enjoying the Play
Wife (as the curtain ascends on the first act of the musical comedy): “Oh, John, did you notice if that match you threw into the waste-paper basket before we left home was really extinguished?”
Pa and the Boy
“Willie, your master’s report of your work is very bad. Do you know that when Warren G. Harding was your age he was head of the school?”
“Yes, Pa, and when he was your age he was President of the United States.”
Johnny – “Say, Paw, I can’t get these ‘rithmetic examples. Teacher said somethin’ ‘bout findin’ the great common divisor.”
Paw (in disgust) – “Great Scott! Haven’t they found that thing yet? Why, they were huntin’ for it when I was a boy.”
Oh, Bishop, How Could You?
“I never go to church,” the millionaire said. “I guess you’ve noticed that, Bishop?”
“Yes, I’ve noticed it,” said the bishop gravely.
“I guess you wonder why I never go to church, don’t you?” the millionaire pursued. “Well, I’ll tell you why, Bishop. There are so many hypocrites there.”
“Oh, don’t let that keep you away,” said the bishop, smiling. “There is always room for one more.”