Yes, Yes, How True
“What do you think of the two candidates?” asked one free and enlightened voter of another.
“What do I think of them?” was the reply, “Well, when I look at them I’m thankful only one of them can get elected.”
Son: “Pass the butter.”
Mother: “If you what?”
Son: “If you can reach it.”
The Pastor: “So God has sent you two more little brothers, Dolly?”
Dolly: “Yes, and he is the only one that knows where the money’s coming from. I heard daddy say so.”
He Must Be Insane
“Any insanity in the family?” asked the insurance doctor of Mrs. Suffragist.
“Well, no; only my husband imagines he is the head of the house.”
Can You Spell Avoid?
Teacher: “Can you spell ‘avoid,’ Jakey?”
Jakey: “Sure, teacher. Vot is der void?”
Wonder What She Meant?
A young lady was being interviewed.
“Do co-eds kiss?” the reporter asked.
“You’d be surprised,” she remarked coyly, “how much goes on right under my nose.”
Prefers It Now
Mother (to son who wishes to go with big sister to a dance) “No, dear, you cannot go this time. Wait until you’re a big boy. Every dog has his day.”
“But, mamma, I’d rather have mine when I’m a pup.”
“Daddy, I’ve splendid news for you. The third-grade teacher is going to retain my services for another year.”
At the Seance
Medium: “Mrs. Peck, your husband commands you to go home.”
Mrs. Peck: “Commands? Huh, that isn’t my husband!”
The Seed in the Pumpkin
Willie: “Teacher says we’re here to help others.”
Pa: “Of course we are.”
Willie: “Well, what are the others here for?”
Beyond the Limits
The Chicagoan was calling Milwaukee and was told that the charge would be a dollar.
“A dollar for that distance. Why, I can get hell for less than that,” he stormed.
“Yes, but Milwaukee is outside of the city limits,” the operator replied.
Then Mama Fainted
“Oh, mama, I’ve been having the best time playing postoffice today,” cried the young hopeful as he came running into the house. “We’ve been using real letters.”
“Real letters? Where did you get them?”
“Why, we found a big bunch in your top drawer, all tied up with pink ribbon, and we gave one to each family in the street.”
“Did you miss that train, sir?” asked the porter.
“No! I didn’t like the looks of it, so I chased it out of the station.”
Oh, Louise! How Could You!
Sam: “Once I loved a girl and she made a fool out of me.”
Louise: “It just goes to show what a lasting impression some girls make.”
Precept vs. Practice
Football coach to players: “Remember that football develops individuality, initiative, leadership. Now get in there and do exactly as I tell you.”
Smart Little Clarence
Little Clarence: “Pa, that man going yonder can’t hear it thunder.”
Mr. Callipers: “Is he deaf?”
Little Clarence: “No, sir; it isn’t thundering.”
His Hard Luck
The ferry was only a few feet out from the wharf when there was a great commotion on the dock. A man rushed madly through the crowd. Without pausing in his stride he flung his grips aboard, and took a flying leap for the boat. He slipped and started to fall into the water, but grasped a rail and with the help of deck hands, scrambled to the deck in safety.
“Good,” he gasped. “Another second and I would have missed her.”
“Missed her?” returned an astonished passenger. “Why, the ferry’s just coming in.”
A Little at a Time
Bill: “I got my whiskers on the installment plan.”
Rob: “The installment plan?”
Bill: “Yes, a little down each week.”
Real-estate agent: “Well, what do you think of our little city?”
Prospect: “I’ll tell you, brother; this is the first cemetery I ever saw with lights.”
Might Beat the 100-yard Dash Record
“Able-bodied man of strong will power wanted to take care of large, savage lion; must be fond of animals and a good runner.” – Ad in the Washington Star, a yellowed clipping of uncertain age.
A certain small restaurant was kept by a man who prided himself of his cooking. He was amazed to hear a young salesman criticize a pie, one day.
“Pie, young feller? Why, I made pies before you were born.”
“Okay. But why sell ‘em now?”
Isn’t She Mean?
“What is the matter?” asked the mother of a six-year-old girl as she came home almost in tears after her first day in school.
“I don’t like the teacher,” she said.
“Why, you hardly know her. What has she done to you?”
“When I went in, she said, ‘You sit here for the present,’ but she never brought it.”
“Where did the bus hit your auto?”
“Right between the third and fourth installments.”