The Safer Way
“That ol’ man o’ yours is a purty good provider.”
“He shows his sense,” replied she. “He wants to keep me busy occupyin’ this skillet as a utensil instead of a weapon.”
Valor of Ignorance
Mr. Snibbles got out of bed and slipped on his shoes.
“This must stop,” he muttered irritably to his wife. “I’m going down-stairs to teach that young man to keep away from my house in the future.”
“John,” cried his wife, “stop! Don’t go –”
But before she could say more he had slipped out of the door. She heard him steal down-stairs to the drawing-room; she heard sounds of a struggle and of the breaking of glass; she heard him drag his adversary to the hall and kick him down the from steps. Then when he returned she flung herself upon him and clung to him admiringly.
“What’s the matter?” he demanded.
“Don’t you know?” she answered. “That was a burglar!”
“Great Scott!” he gasped, turning pale. “Why didn’t you tell me before? I thought it was Ethel’s sweetheart.”
“Aren’t some of the hats women wear absurd?”
“Yes,” replied Miss Cayenne; “and yet when some people put them on they do look so appropriate.”
Utilizing the Auto
“You must take exercise,” said a physician to a patient. “The motor-car, in a case like yours, gives the best exercise that –”
“But, doctor, I can’t afford to buy a motor-car,” the patient growled.
“Don’t buy, just dodge!” said the doctor.
When will there be only twenty-five letters in the alphabet?
When “U” and “I” are one.
What is the best land for little kittens?
Who was the first whistler?
What is the favorite fruit of ministers?
Why is an author a queer animal?
Because his tale comes out of his head.
Why need you never starve in the desert?
Because you can eat the sand-which-is there.
A Logical Mind
“Willie, mama has a great surprise for you.”
“I know what it is – big bruvver is back from his vacation.”
“How did you know?”
“My bank won’t rattle any more.”
A Literal Application
“Why, Willie,” said the Sunday School teacher in a pained voice, “have you been fighting again? Didn’t you learn in last Sunday’s lesson that when you are struck on one cheek you ought to turn the other one to the striker?”
“Yes’m,” agreed Willie, “but he hit me on the nose, and I’ve only got one.”
A teacher was questioning a class of boys on the subject of “birds.” Having received correct answers to the questions about feathers, bill, feet and wings, he put the question, “What is it a bird can do that I am unable to do?” “Fly” was the answer he hoped to get.
For several moments the boys thought, but gave no answer. At last one held up his hand.
“Well, my lad, what is it?”
“Lay an egg, sir,” said the boy.
“Talking about dogs,” said Jones, “some are more intelligent than their masters.”
“Sure,” replied the man who knows it all, “I’ve got a dog just like that.”
“What made you think Mr. Lovetwet had been drinking?”
“Why, when the charlotte russe was set before him he tried to blow off the foam.”
“My dear,” remarked Jones, who had just finished reading a book on “The Wonders of Nature.” “This really is a remarkable work. Nature is marvelous! Stupendous. When I read a work like this, it makes me think how puerile, how insignificant is man.”
“Huh!” sniffed his better half. “A woman’s doesn’t have to wade through four hundred pages to find out the same thing.”
“I see that the new British ambassador’s name is Spring-Rice,” said Bildad.
“Well, what of it?” growled old Money-bags. “What interests me is September wheat.”
“Why is it those vaudeville singers keep walking up and down the stage while they are singing?”
“Because it makes them harder to hit.”
Once upon a time there was a boy, and he applied for a job.
‘We don’t want lazy boys here. Are you fond of work?” asked the boss.
“No, sir,” answered the boy – looking the boss straight in the face.
“Oh, you’re not. Well, we want a boy that is.”
“There ain’t any,” insisted the boy, doggedly.
“Oh, yes, there are. We have had a dozen of that kind here this morning, looking for a situation with us.”
“How do you know they are not lazy?” persisted the boy.
“Why, they told me so.”
“So I could have told you; but I’m not a liar.”
He got the job.
Why She Wept
When Jenkins finally managed to wake up he found his wife weeping uncontrollably.
“My darling!” he exclaimed. “What in the world is the matter?”
Jenkins begged her to tell it to him; and finally she consented to say this much:
“I thought I was walking down the street and came to a shop where it said: ‘Husbands for sale.’ You could get beautiful ones for $5,000 and very nice-looking ones for even as little as $500.”
“And were there any that looked like me?” asked Jenkins, not altogether ingenuously.
The sobs became suddenly violent. “Dozens of them!” gasped Mrs. Jenkins. “Done up in bunches like asparagus and marked twenty-five cents a bunch.”