Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1951 (4)
 


Funny Bones, 1951 (4)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - January 28, 2012

Sea Food in Season

With a plate in her hand and a puzzled look on her face, the waitress stopped beside a table.

“Are you the boiled cod?” she asked curtly.

The customer smiled wearily. “No,” he replied. “I’m the hungry sole with an empty plaice, hoping for something to fillet.”

A Woman’s Place

“A good wife,” according to an old periodical, “should be like three things, which three things she should not be like; First, she should be like a snail – always keep within her own house; but she should not be like a snail to carry all she has upon her back.

“Second, she should be like an echo, to speak when she is spoken to; but she should not be like an echo, always to have the last word.

“Third, she should be like a town clock – always keep the time; but she should not be like the town clock to speak so loud that all the town may hear.”

No Names

It was a little girl’s first day at school and the teacher was making out her registration card.

“What is your father’s name?” asked the teacher.

“Daddy,” replied the child.

“Yes, I know, but what does your mother call him?”

“She doesn’t call him anything. She likes him.”

Up to Date

Two Cockney boys were examining the mummies at the British museum for the first time, and one of them was much puzzled by the labels denoting the age of the exhibits.

“I wonder what those figures mean?” said Charlie, stopping before one marked B.C. 1500.

“Silly, don’t you know? That’s the number of the motor what run over him.”

Duty First

In the early days of World War I a British officer stationed in the heart of Africa received the following wireless message from his superior officer:

“War declared. Arrest all enemy aliens in your district.”

With commendable promptness the superior officer received this reply: “Have arrested 7 Germans, 3 Belgians, 2 Frenchmen, 4 Italians, 1 Austrian, and 1 American. Please say with whom we are at war.”

Safety First

Two snowy-haired old ladies, jouncing along in an antiquated automobile through Yonkers, made an illegal turn. The traffic cop had to blow his whistle vigorously and repeatedly before they came to a stop.

“Didn’t you hear my whistle, lady?” he asked.

Wide-eyed and innocent, the little lady looked at him.

“Yes, indeed,” she said, “but I never flirt while driving.”

With a grin, the amazed cop waved them on.

Proof of the Pudding

Two men on a fishing trip came to a side road with a “Closed” sign blocking it. however, they noted that fresh tire tracks led around the sign. But they had gone no more than a half mile when the road really did end. Only thing to do was to turn around and come back.

On passing the road block again, they found this inscription written on the reverse side: “It really was closed, wasn’t it?”

One-Sided

“I don’t think I like it,” said the little six-year-old after her first day of school. “I’d rather play outside.”

“But you do like your teacher, don’t you?” asked her mother.

The small girl thought a moment and then said, “No, I don’t think I’m going to like her, either. She wants all her own way.”

—oOo—

A young woman should hold on to her youth – but not while he’s driving.

—oOo—

When you start out to borrow trouble, you find your credit is always good.

—oOo—

If a man wins a woman by convincing her she is more important than he is, he has no business getting angry when she agrees with him.

—oOo—

MATRIMONY: One state that permits a woman to work eighteen hours a day.

One Sure Thing

“I hope you don’t think me too young for marriage with your daughter?” said the young man anxiously.

“That’s all right, my boy,” was the cheerful reply. “You’ll age fast enough.”

High Cost of Living

A young father, watching his son gazing into space, said “A penny for your thoughts, Son.”

“Well, to be honest, Daddy,” he replied, “I was thinking of a dime.”

Something to Cry Over

A little boy at school for the first time was sobbing bitterly.

The teacher inquired: ‘What’s the matter, Tommy?”

“I don’t like school, and I have to stay here till I’m fourteen,” sobbed Tommy.

“Well,” said the teacher, “don’t cry. I have to stay here until I’m sixty-five.”

Point of View

One man said television is all right if you like to look at the world through a waffle iron.

Wanted – New Invention

A housewife wants to know why somebody doesn’t invent a hollow cake of soap, so that when the bar is used up there won’t be those annoying little pieces left.

A Long Wait

“I’m sorry, the manager isn’t in,” said the clerk to the pompous individual who had strutted in. “Is there anything I can do for you?”

“No,” snapped the visitor. “I never deal with underlings. I’ll wait until the manager returns.”

About an hour later the pompous one became impatient. “How much longer do you think the manager will be?” he demanded.

“About two weeks,” was the reply. “He just left on vacation.”

Skeptical

A letter from Hungary quotes an anecdote current in Budapest. A man applied for a passport, saying he must leave the country quickly. Asked why, he said that a new government decree forbade anyone to keep two elephants in his bedroom?”

“But surely you don’t keep two elephants in your bedroom?”

“No,” he replied, “but how can I ever convince the political police that I don’t?”

To the End

You’d hardly expect humor in the coroner’s office, but one coroner reported that a decedent recently left a will asking that six of his creditors be requested to serve as pallbearers “so they can carry me to the end.”

—oOo—

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.



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