Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1927 (5)
 


Funny Bones, 1927 (5)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - January 21, 2012

In Ye Good Old Days

Squire: “Did you send for me, my Lord?”

Launcelot: “Yes, make haste. Bring me the can opener; I’ve a flea in my knight clothes.”

An Internationalist

“What became of your Swedish cook?”

“Oh, she got her Irish up and took French leave.”

The Thirst for Vengeance

“Willie, what is your greatest ambition?”

“To wash mother’s ears.”

The Fatal Prophecy

He: “When I was young, the doctors said that if I didn’t stop smoking I would become feeble-minded.”

She: “Well, why didn’t you stop?”

Should Practice

Customer: “I see you have a sign on your store, ‘We Aim to Please.’”

Clerk: “Certainly; that is our motto.”

Customer: “Well, you ought to take a little time off for target practice.”

So Did His

Sympathizer: “And did her father come between you?”

Jilted Suitor: “No – behind me!”

-oOo-

“Give me three pounds of insect powder.”

“Do you want to take it with you?”

“Well, yes. You don’t expect me to bring the bugs here, do you?”

Severe Method

Abie’s Mother: “Rachel, how did you break Abie of talking in his sleep?”

Abie’s Wife: “I tied his hands to the bed-post.”

Tit for Tat

Pompous physician (to man plastering defective wall): “The trowel covers up a lot of mistakes – what?”

Workman: “Yes, gov’nor – and so do the spade.”

A Lower Pitch

She sang and she sang: “I will hang my harp on a willow tre-e-e, I will hang my harp on a willow tre-e-e,” each time breaking on the high note.

Finally the patient father from the next room ventured: “Better hang it on a lower branch, Liz.”

Not These Days

“I knew an artist once who painted a cobweb on the ceiling so realistically that the maid spent hours trying to get it down.”

“Sorry, dear, I just don’t believe it.”

“Why not? Artists have been known to do such things.”

“Yes, but not maids.”

Speedy

Small boy coming home from Sunday School told his mother that they had learned “a corking automobile song in class that day.”

“What was it?” asked his mother.’‘

“Going home on high.”

Misleading Jollity

“Does ‘at smile mean you forgive me?”

“Stay away, man; I’m just smilin’ to rest my face.”

His Own Make

One: “I’ll have you understand that I am a self-made man.”

Two: “That sure relieves someone of an awful responsibility.”

Misunderstood

Husband (seeing wife sewing on tiny garment): “Darling, you don’t mean – ”

Wife: “Yes, dear, I’m making all my own clothes now.”

Man Wants But Little Here Below

Wanted – Man to milk and drive Ford truck. – Newspaper Ad.

Says Wally, the Iconoclast!

Pearls come from oysters but some girls get diamonds from nuts.

In England

“‘Elp! ‘Elp! A bald-‘eaded man hover ‘ere ‘as fainted.”

“Give him hair – give him hair.”

Liquid Silencer

“Have you some of that gasoline that stops knocking?”

“Yes.”

“Then give my brother a glass.”

A Good Business Head

Clerk: “Now, see here, little boy; I can’t spend the whole day showing you penny toys. Do you want the earth with a little red fence around it for one cent?”

Little Boy: “Let me see it.”

Out of Order

Smart Guy: “Hello, newsie; look at your nose and tell me what time it is.”

Newsboy: “Aw, look at your own; mine ain’t running.”

Just for the Men

“Is that a lion or a lioness, papa?”

“Which one, dear?”

“The one with its face scratched, and the hair off its head.”

“That must be the lion.”

Not an Accident

Wife of a noted professor in referring to her husband’s retiring from his position at a certain college, remarked to a neighbor, “yes, my husband has burnt his bridges behind him.”

The Neighbor (slightly deaf): “Too bad, I hope they weren’t his best pair.”

Nize Baby

Teacher: “Who can give me a sentence using the word, ‘Avaunt’?”

Little Abie: “Avaunt what avaunt when avaunt it.”

Where Ignorance is Bliss

“I was shocked to hear that Peter eloped with your wife. I always thought he was your best friend.”

“He is, but he doesn’t know it yet.”

Did He Mean It?

“Do you think Professor Kidder meant anything by it?”

“What?”

“He advertised a lecture on ‘Fools.’ I bought a ticket and it said ‘Admit One.’”

Nearly as Good

Minister: “Do you forgive your enemies?”

Financier: “Not exactly forgive them, but I try to put them in such a position that I can sympathize with them.”

Concentration

“When is your sister thinking of getting married?”

“Constantly.”

Oh, Cora, how Could You!

Dora: “I think Jack is horrid! he sent me 28 roses for my birthday. I’ll never speak to him again.”

Cora: “You shouldn’t be angry with him for that, dear. Perhaps he couldn’t afford any more.”

A Sickening Hope

An Irishman, while crossing the ocean, was seasick.

“It’s all right, old man,” said an acquaintance, “you’re not dead yet.”

“True,” moaned the sufferer, “but it’s only the hope of dying keeps me alive.”

The Same Right

“But surely,” said the haughty dame, “if I pay the fare for my dog he will be treated the same as other passengers and be allowed to occupy a seat?”

“Of course, madam,” the guard replied politely, “provided he does not put his feet on it.”

Matter of Taste

“What do you think of Scott’s Ivanhoe?”

“I like his Emulsion better.”



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