At a country school the head master said: “Now, boys, I will give a penny to the first lad who can ask me a question I cannot answer.”
Several tried unsuccessfully until one boy asked: “Please, sir, if you stood up to your neck in soft mud, and I threw a stone at your head, would you duck?”
Principal: “Well, Jimmy, you’re a pretty sharp lad, my boy.”
Jimmy: “I sure ought to be. Dad uses his razor strop on me two or three times a week.”
Teacher (putting up picture): “I can’t find a single pin. Where do they go to, anyway?”
Principal: “It’s hard to tell, because they’re pointed in one direction and headed in another.”
Fresh: “I don’t know what to do with my week-end.”
Soph: “Put your hat on it.”
Friend: “This is your fouth daughter to get married, isn’t it?”
MacTight: “Ay, and our confetti’s gettin’ awfu’ gritty!”
We’ve Met Him
An optimist is a tourist who starts out with poor brakes, no spare, and a knock in the motor, and who wires 250 miles ahead for hotel reservations.
There is a preacher in Kansas who should have his salary raised for making the following announcement from his pulpit: “Brethren, the janitor and I will hold our regular prayer meeting next Wednesday evening as usual.”
Certain to Cure Something
“What’s them?” inquired Farmer Corntassel as his wife was preparing for the party.
“Those are olives.’
“What are they good for?”
“Good to eat.”
“What else? You can’t tell me anything with a taste like that oughtn’t to cure something.”
He was unaware of the eccentricities to be found in the Wild West when he entered what seemed to be the only hotel in the place. After ushering him to a table and giving the stranger a glass of ice water, the waiter inquired:
“Will you have sausage on toast?”
“No, I never eat ‘em,” the guest replied.
“In that case,” said the waiter, “dinner is over.”
Cape of Good Hope – Sweet sixteen.
Cape Flattery – Twenty.
Cape Lookout – Twenty-five.
Cape Farewell – Forty.
Student (hearing the club dinner-bell): “Which of Shakespeare’s plays does that remind you of?”
Fellow-student: “Much Ado About Nothing.”
Two Sides to Everything
A little boy was given too much under-done pie for his supper and he was soon roaring lustily. His mother’s visitor was visibly disturbed. “If he was my child,” she said, “he’d get a good, sound spanking.”
“He deserves it,” his mother admitted, “but I don’t believe in spanking him on a full stomach.”
“Neither do I,” said the visitor, “but I’d turn him over.”
Tommy was meandering homeward much later than his usual suppertime. A friend of the family who happened to meet him said: “Why, Tommy, aren’t you afraid you’ll be late for supper?”
“Nope,” replied Tommy, “I’ve got the meat.”
Couldn’t Retain It
A youngster went into the parlor to see a visitor who was with his father. “Well, my little man,” said his father’s friend, “what are you looking at me for?”
“Why,” replied the boy, “daddy told me that you were a self-made man, and I wanted to see what you look like.”
“Quite right,” said the gratified guest, “I am a self-made man.”
“But what did you make yourself like that for?” said the boy, with considerable surprise.
A Safe Place
“I’ve swallowed my collar-button,” gasped the grocer.
“Well,” responded his wife, “you know where it is, anyway!”
Eventually, Why Not Now?
Doctor: “I suppose, Mrs. Johnson, that you have given the medicine according to directions.”
Mrs. Johnson: “Well, doctah, I done mah bes’. You said give Sam one o’ dese heah pills three times a day ontil gone, but I done run out o’ pills yisdaday an’ he hain’t gone yit.”
“Little boy,” asked the well-meaning reformer, “is that your mama over yonder with the beautiful set of furs?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the bright lad.
“Well, do you know what poor animal it is that had to suffer in order that your mama might have the furs with which she adorns herself so proudly?”
“Yes, sir. My papa.”
Shame on You, Jane!
Cora: “Ruth says her face is her fortune.”
Jane: “Then she need not worry about having to pay an income tax.”
“I asked you to send me young lettuce.”
“Yes, ma’am. Wasn’t it young you got?”
“Young? It’s almost old enough to wash and dress itself.”
A Real One
Fond Uncle: “Well, that was nice, wasn’t it? You like having a ride on uncle’s knee, eh?”
Small Nephew: “Not so bad – but I had a ride on a real donkey yesterday.”
Ad Man Should Be in Jail
Bottles, a trade paper, calls attention to a nursing bottle advertisement which concludes with these instructions:
“When the baby is done drinking, it should be unscrewed and laid in a cool place under a tap. If the baby does not thrive on fresh milk, it should be boiled.”
Take Your Choice
“Which would you rather be in, Pat, an explosion or a collision?”
“A collision,” was Pat’s reply.
“But why?” asked Mike.
“Becuz in a collision,” explained Pat, “there yez are, but in an explosion where are yez?”