A Good Turn
Talk about “miraculous” things now-a-days, just read this: Mr. Stone and Mr. Wood were standing on the corner talking when a good-looking girl passed by. Stone turned to Wood, Wood turned to Stone, they both turned to rubber and the girl turned into a drug store.
Father Said No More
“Jimmy, I wish you’d learn better table manners; you’re a regular little pig at the table.”
Deep silence on Jimmy’s part. So father, in order to impress him more, added, “I say, Jimmy, do you know what a pig is?”
“Yes, sir,” replied Jimmy meekly. “It’s a hog’s little boy.”
Mr. Newlywed: “I wonder why it is we can’t save anything.”:
Mrs. Newlywed: “It’s the neighbors, dear; they are always doing something we can’t afford.”
Wallie: “Gee, pop, there’s a man at the circus who jump on a horse’s back, slips underneath, catches hold of its tail, and finishes up on the horse’s neck!”
Dad: “That’s easy. I did all that the first time I ever rode a horse.”
The barber takes the red-hot towel,
As though he were just learning,
And drops it quickly on your face
To keep his hands from burning.
Triumphant Suitor: “Well, Willie, your sister is going to marry me! How is that for news?”
Willie: “Huh! Are you just NOW finding that out?”
“Who’s That Knocking?”
Valet (to master): “Sir, your car is at the door.”
Master: “Yes, I hear it knocking.”
He Can Take It
Housewife (to tramp): “I know you. You are one of the tramps that I gave a pie to last summer.”
Tramp: “You are right, madam. You gave it to three of us. I am the sole survivor.”
“Is he a reckless driver?”
“Say, when the road turns the same way he does, it’s just a coincidence!”
A Ready Reckoner
“If there were four flies on a table, and I killed one, how many would be left?” inquired the teacher.
“One,” answered the bright little girl, “the dead one.”
Teacher: “I have went. That’s wrong, isn’t it, Tommy?”
Tommy: “Yes, ma’am.”
Teacher: “Why is it wrong?”
Tommy: “Because you ain’t went yet.”
Definition of a Committee
Small Boy: “Father, what’s a committee?”
Father: “A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours!”
“Johnny, why does Missouri stand at the head in mule-raising in the United States?”
Johnny: “Because the other end is dangerous.”
Difference of Opinion
“Don’t you wish you were a bird, Jimmy, and could fly away up in the sky?” mused his big sister romantically.
“Naw!” scorned Jimmy. ‘I’d rather be a elephant and squirt water through my nose.”
That large lump on little Willie’s head is where Papa helped him with his arithmetic last night.
A Life Saver
“George said he’d kiss me or die in the attempt.”
“Did he kiss you?”
“Well, he’s still living.”
A Short Distance
“Here’s something queer,” said the dentist who had been drilling a patient’s tooth. “You said this tooth had never been filled, but I find flakes of gold on the point of the drill.”
“I knew it,” moaned the victim. “I knew it. You struck my back collar button.”
Old Maid: “Has the canary had its bath yet?”
Servant: “Yes, ma’am. You can come in now.”
His Own Grandfather
Tallahassee, Fla. – Last year I asked her to be my wife and she gave me a decidedly negative reply, so to get even I married her mother. Then my father married the girl.
When I married the girl’s mother, the girl became my daughter; and my father married my daughter, so he became my son. When my father married my daughter she became my mother. If my father is my son and my daughter is my mother – who am I?
My mother’s mother is my wife and must be my grandmother, and being my grandmother’s husband, I must be my own grandfather.
Mr. Newlywed brought home some sausages and asked to have them for breakfast.
The young bride looked at them. “How’ll I cook them?” she asked.
“Oh, fry ‘em like fish,” replied her husband.
The next morning at breakfast she remarked: “I do hope you will enjoy your sausages, dear, but there’s not much in these things when they’re cleaned out.”
Teacher: “What is a geyser?”
Student: “A waterfall going up.”
Salesman: “These stockings are the very latest patterns, fast colors, holeproof, won’t shrink, priced far lower than elsewhere, and a very good yarn.”
Co-ed: “Yes, and you tell it well, too.”
“Drink,” said the Irish lecturer, “is the greatest curse of the country. It makes yer quarrel with yer neighbors. It makes yer shoot at yer landlord, and it makes yer miss him.”