Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » The Joke’s On Us (5)
 


The Joke’s On Us (5)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - January 06, 2012

More Mormon jokes from the world’s newspapers. Gee, I wonder if anybody’ll say anything about polygamy?

-oOo-

1873

Brigham Young is now commencing to realize something tangible from his matrimonial investments. The anniversaries of those marriages are commencing to occur with astonishing frequency. First, there is a silver wedding, then a wooden wedding, and a tin wedding, and then another silver wedding, next a glass wedding, and then a tin wedding again, and the following night another silver wedding, and then a linen wedding, followed by a wooden wedding, which is succeeded by a glass wedding, and so on through the chapter. The effect on the Mormons – the rank and file of the faithful – can well be imagined, but a brush in a ten acre lot of marrowfat peas couldn’t paint it. The temple itself is warmed with three mortgages, and even the revelation bids fair to ascend the spout. It is no uncommon thing to see a healthy Mormon skimming toward headquarters, with a silver pitcher under one arm and a coal scuttle under the other, with a pleasing assortment of glass and wooden ware concealed about him. The government has concluded to withdraw its troops.

-oOo-

“Mary, my dear,” said a doting husband to the lady that owned him, “If I turn Mormon and marry another helpmate, she shall be a Mary too, for your own dear sake!” “Be content with one Mary, my duck,” said the loving wife; “in my own opinion another would be merely a super-new-Mary.”

-oOo-

Artemus Ward in a lecture, said that Brigham Young was the most married man he ever saw in his life. ‘I saw’ said he, ‘his mother-in-law, while I was there. I can’t exactly tell you how many there is of her! but it is a good deal. It strikes me that one mother-in-law is about enough to have in a family, unless you are very fond of excitement. Some of these Mormons have terrific families. I lectured one night by invitation, in the Mormon village of Provost; but during the day I rashly gave a leading Mormon an order admitting himself and family. It was before I knew he was much married; and they filled the room to overflowing. It was a great success; but I didn’t get any money.’

1883

We have found out how it is that Mormons can support ten and fifteen wives apiece. They don’t have to employ servants.

1904

Pretty Cold

The daily papers report that during the recent cold snap a Mormon out in Utah frozen between two of his wives. Later news reveals the fact that one wife lives in Salt Lake City and the other in Brigham City, some eighty miles away. The unfortunate man was caught in a blizzard while driving from one city to the other.

An Audacious Wish

“I wish my father was a Mormon,” said the incorrigible infant.

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the aunt.

“Because Mormons sometimes have such large families that they can’t remember all the children’s names, much less punish ‘em.”

-oOo-

The particulars of the Mormon method of making a living would be interesting. A man who can provide for five wives and 100 children under present prices is a financial wonder.

Woes of Brother Williams

“Ever hear tell ‘bout Br’er Williams tryin’ ter foller de Mormons?” asked Brother Dickey.

“No; never.”

“Well, he married one wife in Texas, n’er one in Alabama, n’er one in Georgy en two in Tennessee.”

“And how did he come out of it?”

“Lemme see, now,” said Brother Dickey – “one wooden leg (he got dat a runnin’ fum de fust one), one bald head (de secon’ one give him dat), den a deefness in bofe yers come on him, en de rattlin’ er de brain, en de fergitfulness er de grocery en de gas bill, en de bankrupted act, en de ketch me ef you kin feelin’ dat made him take ter de woods en stay dar twel dey pined away en lef’ word fer him ter meet ‘em in de nex’ worl’.”

“And what does he think of that?”

“Well,” replied Brother Dickey, “he say he ain’t gwine dar in a hurry, en, what’s mo’, he ain’t gwine under his right name.”

No Mormon

She – “But George, you could never support two.”

He – “Well, I’m only looking for one.”

1908

Twins on the Father’s Side

“Two Mormon boys went to school for the first time out in Utah,” relates Congressman J. Adam Bede, “and the teacher asked them their names.

“‘John and William Smith,’ the boys replied.

“‘Ah, then you are brothers! How old are you?’

“‘Each 10 years old, ma’am.’

“‘Indeed! Then you are twins?’

“‘Please, ma’am,’ replied one of the boys, ‘only on our father’s side.’”

1909

Might Be Worse

Henpecke – Every man has something to be thankful for.

Wigwag – What have you to be thankful for?

Henpecke – That I’m not a Mormon.



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