A traveling man lately wandered into a remote hotel that doesn’t keep a dictionary, and on coming down in the morning was asked by the landlord how he rested.
“Oh,” replied the gentleman, “I suffered nearly all night from insomnia.”
The landlord was mad in a minute, and roared: “I’ll bet you two dollars there ain’t one in my house!”
Mr. Higgins – “Your extravagance is awful. When I die you’ll probably have to beg.”
Mrs. Higgins – “Well, I should be better off than some poor woman who never had any practice.”
A Good Story
“He invented a dandy story to tell his wife when he got home after midnight.”
“Good one, was it?”
“A peach; it would satisfy any woman.”
“Did it satisfy her?”
“It would have, but he couldn’t tell it.”
It was after the distribution of prizes at a Sunday School.
“Well, did you get a prize?” asked Johnny’s mother.
“No,” answered Johnny; “but I got horrible mention.”
Blown in the Bottle
Young Wife – “Arthur, dearest, how do they arrange these pickles in the bottle so nicely?”
Young Husband – “They pile the pickles up, Petsy, and then blow the bottle around them.”
The Governor of Maine was at the school and was telling the pupils what the people of different States were called.
“Now,” he said, “the people from Indiana are called ‘Hoosiers’; the people from North Carolina ‘Tar Heels’; the people from Michigan we know as ‘Michiganders.’ Now, what little boy or girl can tell me what the people of Maine are called?”
“I know,” said a little girl.
“Well, what are we called?” asked the Governor.
How It Happened
Condescending Chappie – “I weally can’t wemember your name, but I’ve an idea I’ve met you here before.”
Nervous Host – “Oh, yes, very likely. It’s my house.”
A Hit at Last
“And so this is the end,” said the hero, as he bent over the form of the dying heroine, while the orchestra played soft, sad, music.
“Thank heaven for that!” exclaimed a pathetic voice from the gallery.
The teacher asked: “When did Moses live?”
After the silence had become painful she ordered: “Open your Old Testament. What does it say there?”
A boy answered: “Moses, 4,000.”
“Now,” said the teacher, “why didn’t you know when Moses lived?”
“Well,” replied the boy, “I thought it was his telephone number.”
Artist – “This is my painting, ‘Youth in the Melon Patch.’”
Critic – “But where are the melons?”
Artist – “What a foolish question!”
A native of Germany was visiting an American friend in New York, and the latter bethought himself to take his guest on a visit to Niagara Falls.
The American, accustomed to bursts of wonderment and enthusiasm, was not a little astonished to see his Teutonic friend stand and gaze stolidly minute after minute upon that roaring cataract, without evincing the faintest sign of emotion.
Finally, unable any longer to conceal his chagrin and disappointment, the American turned to his companion and asked: “Don’t you think that’s a wonderful sight!”
“Vot?” asked the Dutchman.
“Why, that gigantic body of water pouring over that lofty precipice.”
The German stood for a few seconds longer, until he got that idea digested, then looked up blankly and asked:
“Vell, vot’s to hinder it?”
That Was Why
“Why are you so sore on that eminent millionaire? He has done some good things.”
“I was one of them.”
His Master’s Voice
Casey – “Now, phwat wu’u’d ye do in a case like thot?”
Clancy – “Loike phwat?”
Casey – “Th’ walkin’ diligate tills me to stroike, an’ me ould woman orders me to kea-ape on workin’.”
The Other Way
The dove returned to the ark.
“We shall have peace,” it cried; “there is no land to fight about and nobody to fight.”
A Busy Life
Stella – “Does she live from hand to mouth?”
Bella – “No, from ear to mouth.”
And We Pay
Knicker – “Which end of a cow gets up first?”
Butcher – “It all rises at once.”
The Prisoner – “There goes my hat. Shall I run after it?”
Policeman Casey – “Phwat? Run away and never come back again? You stand here and I’ll run after your hat.”
Out of Reach
Townley – “How’s the new cook getting on?”
Subbubs – “I don’t know. She didn’t leave her address.”
The Court of Last Resort
“Do you think women should propose?” asked the passe lady.
“I don’t know,” mused the young thing. “Have you tried everything else?”
Prepared [seriously edited]
Lawyer: “Well, man, so you want me to defend you. Have you any money?”
Man: “No, but I’ve got a mule and a few chickens, and a hog or two.”
Lawyer: “Those will do very nicely. Now, let’s see; what do they accuse you of stealing?
Man: “Oh, a mule and a few chickens, and a hog or two.”