Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1929 (2)
 


Funny Bones, 1929 (2)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - December 24, 2011

That Binding at the Waist

While the diagnosis of the patient, who had eaten rather generously, was proceeding, the sick man said, “Doctor, do you think the trouble is in the appendix?”

“Oh, no,” said the doctor. “Not at all. The trouble is with your table of contents.”

The Truth of It

Two men were reading the inscriptions on tombstones in a cemetery. One of them let out a raucous “Haw! Haw!” and when the other came up he pointed to the inscription on the tombstone, which read: “Not dead, but sleeping.”

“Haw! Haw!” laughed the man. “He ain’t foolin’ nobody but hisself.”

Boarding House Conversation

“My plate’s wet,” remarked the complaining man.

“Hush,” whispered his wife; “can’t you see that’s your soup?”

A Natural Consequence

Miss Pert: “You know, my hair is just full of electricity!”

Mr. Peck: “Why, of course, it’s connected to a dry cell.”

Speaking of Cats

Caller: “Does your husband object to cats?”

Mrs. Gnasty: “I should say he does. He says I feed all the cats in the neighborhood. Won’t you stay and have lunch?”

Blighted Ambition

“My Uncle Donald MacTavish expected to make a big fortune as an inventor but was sadly disappointed.”

“What did he patent?”

“He applied for a patent on a bath-tub. He thought it was a new idea.”

New Tribes of Indians Named

At least one applicant for a certificate to teach school in Mississippi failed recently.

His answer to the question: “Name two Indian tribes of Mississippi, and give something about their customs and habits,” was:

“The Coca Colas and the Semicolans. They wore feathers in their custums and their habits wuz bad.”

Beards Grown While You Wait

Wife (from above): “Ready in a minute!”

Husband (a little later): “No hurry now, dear! I’ve got to shave again!

Circumstantial Evidence

“You’d never think this street used to be a cowpath, would you?”

“Oh, I don’t know; look at all the calves on it.”

History Repeats Itself

A newspaper in Missouri remarks: “Lot’s wife has nothing much on Mrs. Dave Kirk. The former looked back and turned into a pillar of salt; Mrs. Dave looked back and turned into a telephone-pole.”

A Heavy Load

Boss: “What are you two doing walking so slowly up those stairs?”

Midnite: “We’s workin’, boss. We’s carryin dis desk up stairs.”

Boss: “I don’t see any desk.”

Midnite: “Fo’ de Lord’s sake, Carbon, we don’ forgit de desk.”

A Sympathetic Pupil

Teacher: “If there are any dumb-bells in the room, please stand up.”

After a slight pause, Jimmie stood up.

“Why, Jimmie, do you consider yourself a dumb-bell?”

“Well, not exactly, teacher, but I hated to see you standing all alone.”

What Price Glory

Our Chinese laundryman has named his son after Lindbergh.

“What’s that? Charlie Fly?”

“No. One Long Hop.”

Gates Ajar

Here lies till Gabriel’s trumpet peals
The bones of Shelby Sharp.
He dozed while holding a steering wheel
And woke up holding a harp.

Dry

Painter: “Ever hear of dry paint?”

The Sitting One: “Yes.”

Painter: “Well, the paint you’re sitting on won’t be that for 24 hours yet.”

Good Advice

“Hey, Mike,” said a workman to the other, “stop, don’t come down on that ladder on the north corner; I took it away.”

Valuable Package

“Tommy, can you tell me one of the uses of cowhide?”

“Er, yessir. It keeps the cow together.”

Food Values

Mistress: “The master was very happy this morning, Jane. He went off to the city whistling.”

Jane: “Yes, mum, it was my mistake. I made his mush of birdseed.”

The Ideal Tenant

Agent: “You say you have no children, victrola, radio or dog? You seem to be the tenant I am looking for.”

Prospective tenant: “I guess I ought to tell you that my fountain pen squeaks a bit.”

Plenty in Stock

Old lady to pilot: “Why so nervous and pale, my boy?”

Pilot: “We have lost both wings.”

Old lady: “Well, don’t worry; we’ll get new ones when we land.”

Should Be Acquainted

Tom: “I have courted your daughter for fifteen years.”

Dad: “Well, what do you want?”

Tom: “To marry her.”

Dad: “Well, I’ll be jiggered. I thought you wanted a pension or something.”

A Good Sign

“How do your broken ribs feel today?”

The patient took a breath before he replied. “Fine, doctor, fine; but I’ve had such a stitch in my side.”

“Excellent! that shows that the bones are knitting!”

His Level Best

Tramp: “Say, boy, your dog bit me on the ankle.”

Boy: “Well, that’s as high as he could reach. You wouldn’t expect a little pup like that to bite you on the neck, would you?”



2 Comments »

  1. THANK YOU Ardis, for the first one for the wordplay.
    Nice!

    Comment by Allison in Atlanta — December 28, 2011 @ 11:31 am

  2. Heh, heh — that’s why that one’s at the top of the page!

    Comment by Ardis E. Parshall — December 28, 2011 @ 12:32 pm

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