Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1941 (6)
 


Funny Bones, 1941 (6)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - December 17, 2011

More corn from past church magazines –

Sight Unseen

A backwoodsman one day found a mirror which a tourist had lost.

“Well, if it ain’t my old dad,” he said as he looked in the mirror. “I never knowed he had his pitcher took.”

He took the mirror home and stole into the attic, to hide it, but his actions did not escape his suspicious wife. That night while he slept she went up to the attic and found the mirror.

“Hum-um,” she said, looking at it, “so that’s the old hag he’s been chasin’.”

Why

Why should a traffic cop, after winning a swell race, seem so mad about it?

The Result

Mrs. Murphy: “It took great pains to make this salad.”

Murphy: “I know; I’ve got them.”

Nightly Average

Census Enumerator: “And what is your husband’s average income?”

Housewife: “Oh, about 2 a.m.”

Preoccupied

The nurse entered the professor’s room and said softly: “It’s a boy, sir.”

The professor looked up. “Well, what does he want?”

The Reason

She: “Sometimes you seem so manly and at other times absurdly effeminate.”

He: “Heredity. You see, half my ancestors were women and the other half were men.”

The Correct Answer

“Jimmy, I wish you’d learn better table manners; you’re a regular little pig at the table.”

Deep silence. So father added, “I say, Jimmy, do you know what a pig is?”

“Yes, sir,” replied Jimmy meekly. “It’s a hog’s little boy.”

Oh, Doctor!

Doctor (after examining patient): “I don’t like the looks of your husband, Mrs. Brown.”

Mrs. Brown: “Neither do I, Doctor, but he’s good to our children.”

Just Couldn’t Happen

Teacher: “If you had $10 in one pocket and $15 in the other, what would you have?”

Little Boy: “The wrong pants.”

What a Mouthful!

Mrs. White: “Why, my dear, I haven’t seen you for ages.”

Mrs. Black: “Oh, I know, I’ve been so busy with one thing and another. I’ve just had my teeth taken out and a gas stove put in.”

Was He Surprised?

Wife: “I’ve got you this bottle of hair tonic, darling.”

Husband: “But my hair is all right.”

Wife: “I know, but I want you to give it to your typist at the office; her hair is coming out rather badly.”

The Wrong Sign

The visitor paid his bill at the fashionable hotel, and, as he went out, he noticed a sign near the door, “Have you left anything?”

So he went back and spoke to the manager. “That sign’s wrong,” he said. “It should read, ‘Have you anything left?’”

Women and Mirrors

Mrs. Bjones: “I don’t think that women have always been vain. You know women were made before mirrors.”

Bjones: “Yes, and they’ve been before them most of the time since.”

Times Have Changed

Gruff Father to Son: “Why don’t you get out and find a job? When I was your age I was working for $3.00 a week in a store, and at the end of five years I owned the store.”

Son: “You can’t do that nowadays. They have cash registers.”

Fifty-Fifty

Jenny: “Your face would stop a clock!”

Lennie: “And yours would make one run.”

Sure Sign

Young lady (to her father): ‘Oh, I hate him – hate him – hate him!”

Father: “And how long has this romance been going on?”

He Knows

Bill: “Does your uncle carry life insurance?”

Jim: “No, he just carries fire insurance. He knows where he’s going.”

Good for Defense

British Maiden: “He wears my photo over his heart and it stopped a bullet while he fought in Crete.”

Second British Maiden: “I’m not surprised dearie. It would stop anything.”

A Battle Royal

Boogy: “Say, what’s the matter with your jaw?”

Woogy: “I just had a tussle with a dentist.”

Boogy: “Who won?”

Woogy: “It was a draw.”



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