The Spoke and the Tire
A manufacturer of motor-car tires was the guest of a gathering of a commercial men, and in responding to a toast, he said: “I have no desire or intention to inflict upon you a long speech, for it is well known in our trade that the longer the spoke, the bigger the tire.”
Joe Hass tells about a tin roof of a Kansas store that was torn off and rolled into a compact bundle by a cyclone. Having a sense of humor, the owner wrapt a few strands of bailing wire around the ruin and shipped it to Henry Ford. In due time came a communication saying:
“It will cost you $48.50 to have your car repaired. For heaven’s sake tell us what hit it!”
A Good Lower
Passenger (fumbling pockets) – “I’m afraid I’ve lost my ticket.”
Irate Conductor – “What do you mean, lost it? You couldn’t lose a ticket a yard long.”
Passenger – “I couldn’t, hey? Say, you don’t know me. I lost a bass drum once.”
A Powerful Anesthetic
Mother was singing the baby to sleep.
“If I were a baby,” said the small philosopher, aged six, to his father, “I’d pretend to be asleep.”
In the Dental Chair
Absent-minded dentist, tinkering inside the hood of his motor-car: “Now, I’m afraid this is going to hurt you just a little.”
An Infant Tragedy
“What are you crying for, my lad?”
“’Cause farver’s invented a new soap substitoot an’ every time a customer comes in I get washed as an advertisement.”
The Girl’s Father – “Young man, the lights in this house go out at 11 o’clock.”
Young Man – “That suits me.”
Young lady – “Were you pleased with the new school, little boy?”
Willie – “Naw! Dey made me wash me face an’ when I went home de dorg bit me ‘cause he didn’t know me.”
Fond Young Mother (with her first born) – “now, which of us do you think he is like?”
Friend (Judicially [sic]) – “Well, of course, intelligence has not really dawned in his countenance yet, but he’s wonderfully like both of you.”
A Horse of Another Color
Mr. Albertson has a predilection for talking in his sleep. Several times recently he mentioned the name “Irene,” and his wife questioned him about it.
“Oh, that,” said he, thinking fast, “is the name of a horse.”
Several days later when he came home he asked his wife the news of the day. “Nothing exciting happened,” she said, “except your horse called you up twice.”
A Question of Attire
A strapping German with big heads of perspiration streaming down his face was darting in and out the aisles of a Philadelphia department store. His excited actions attracted the attention of all the employees, and they hardly knew what to make of it.
A hustling young man of the clothing department walked up to him and asked, “Are you looking for something in men’s clothing?”
“No,” he roared, “not men’s clothing, vimmen’s clothing. I can’t find my wife.”
“Who was it that killed Goliath?” asked the Sunday School teacher.
“George Washington,” recited Tommy mechanically, “and when he had chopped it off his papa came up and George said, ‘Father, I cannot tell a lie – I did it with my little hatchet.’”
She – “It must be terribly lonesome for a young woman to marry an old man.”
He – “Oh, I don’t know; you can sit at home in the evenings and listen to his arteries harden.”
The hobo had asked the hard-faced woman for something to eat. “Yes,” she replied, “I’ll fix you some supper if you’ll saw and split some wood, sweep off the walk, fix the hole in the fence, tidy up the barnyard and burn that rubbish piled up at the cellar door.”
“Lady,” said the hobo as he started away. “I’m only a hobo; I ain’t your husband!”
Young Husband: “A year ago you were crazy to marry me.”
His wife: ‘That’s what father said, but I wouldn’t listen.”
Charlie: “My wife kisses me evenings when I get home late.”
Charlie: “No; investigation.”
The Camera Wins
“The photograph flatters you,” commented the plain-spoken young man.
“Then it is more polite than you are,” said the young woman indignantly.
Why She Lost Faith in Him
He: “If I had known we were going through a tunnel, I’d have kissed you.”
His Girl: “Heavens! Wasn’t that you?”
Doctor – “You’re coughing more easily this morning.”
Patient – “Yes, I practiced a lot during the night.”
Ascum: “I see there’s some talk of having the people vote at the next state election upon the question of abolishing capital punishment. Would you vote to abolish it?”
Fogie: “No, sir; capital punishment was good enough for my ancestors, and it’s good enough for me.”
After giving the new stable boy directions for treating a sick horse, the master returned in a little while to see if all had gone well.
He found the stable boy choking and spluttering, his face various hues of red, blue and green.
“What’s wrong?” inquired the boss.
“Well, you said to put a tube in his mouth and blow the powder down.”
“Well, de horse blew first.”
It’s So Different
Any girl can be gay
In a nice coupe.
In a taxi they
All can be jolly.
But the girl worth while,
Is the one who can smile,
When you are taking her home in a trolley.
Executing the Will
The following conversation took place as Dinah Johnson entered the office of Probate Judge Emory in Southern Georgia: “Am yo’ de reprobate jedge?”
“Yes, I’m the probate judge.”
“Wall, dat’s wat I says, you’se de reprobate jedge, an’ my ole man, wat’s been studyin’ down at this heah logical cemetery, done died detested an’ lef’ me two little infidels an’ I done come to be ‘pointed der executioner.”