Quid Pro Quo
“Excuse this bit of sarcasm,” said Smith to Jones, “but I must say you are an infamous liar and scoundrel.”
“Pardon this bit of irony,” said Jones to Smith, as he knocked him over with a poker.
Ikey was in the hospital, and his friend, finding him in despondency, asked what the trouble might be.
“It’s nothing but trouble. Now dese doctors vant to put in some monkey glants yet.”
“Well, why not, Ikey, if they will make you well?”
“Sure, vhy not? But it will cost me fife thousand dollars for a few monkey glants, ven I know vare I can get a whole monkey for twelf dollars.”
At the Circus
“How do you get down off an elephant?”
“You climb down.”
“You take a ladder and get down.”
“You grease his sides and slide down.”
“Well, you take the trunk line down.”
“No, not quite. You don’t get down off an elephant; you get it off a goose.”
During a train journey a man dashed down the corridor and put his head in at the door of a compartment. “Has anyone any whiskey?” he asked. “A lady has fainted in the next carriage.”
Several flasks were handed to him. He took a good drink and then said calmly: “It always upsets me to see a lady faint.” Then went back to his compartment.
English Prof.: “Correct this sentence: ‘Before any damage could be done, the fire was put out by the volunteer fire department.’”
Frosh: “The fire was put out before any damage could be done by the volunteer fire department.”
A Rich Legacy
“I hear that Jones left everything he had to an orphan asylum.”
“Is that so? What did he leave?”
Every Town’s the Same
“How big is your home town, Al?”
“Oh, about the size of New York, but it isn’t built up yet.”
Not Quite Certain
First Convict: “When I get out of this place, I’m going to have a hot time, ain’t you?”
Second Ditto: “I don’t know. I’m in for life.”
In the Corn Belt
“Waiter, have you any shelled corn?”
Waiter (surprised): “I think so, sir.
“Then take this egg out and feed it!”
How It Started
“At any rate, Mrs. Murphy, no one can say I’m two-faced.”
“Faith, no, Mrs. Jones. Sure, an’ if yer were you’d leave that ‘un at ‘ome.”
A Job for Dad
Elsie: “Shall I put on my mackintosh, run out and post those letters, mother?”
Mother: “No, dear, it’s not fit for a dog to be out in a night like this. Let your father post them.”
Couldn’t Do It
Jackson: “The idea of letting your wife go about telling the neighbors that she made a man of you! You don’t hear my wife saying that.”
Johnson: “No; but I heard her telling my wife that she had done her best.”
The Retort Courteous
“If I had known what a fool you were I would never have married you,” stormed Mrs. Knaggs.
“You might have guessed it, my dear, when I proposed to you,” protested her spouse mildly.
A Perpetual Trance
The youth seated himself in the dentist’s chair. He wore a wonderful striped shirt and a more wonderful checked suit, and had the vacant stare of “nobody home” that goes with both.
The dentist looked at his assistant. “I am afraid to give him gas,” he said.
“Why?’ asked the assistant.
“Well,” said the dentist, “how can I tell when he’s unconscious?”
One on Eddie Foy
Shortly after Raymond Hitchcock made his first hit, Eddie Foy, who was also playing in New York, chanced to be passing Daly’s Theater and stopped to look at the pictures of Hitchcock that adorned the entrance. Near the pictures was a billboard covered with friendly extracts from newspaper criticisms.
When Foy had read to the bottom of the list he turned to an unobtrusive young man who had been lounging in the doorway watching him out of the tail of one eye.
“Say, have you seen this new show?” he demanded.
“Sure,” replied the young man.
“Any good? And how’s this young fellow Hitchcock?”
“Any good?” repeated the young man pityingly. “Why, say, he’s the best in the business. He’s got all these other comedians lashed to the mast. He’s a scream.”
“Is he as good as Foy?” ventured that gentleman, hopefully.
“As good as Foy!” The young man’s scorn was tremendous. “Why, say, Hitchcock has Foy looking like a funeral. They’re not in the same class. Hitchcock is a real star. I’m sorry you asked me, but I feel so strongly about it I must tell you the truth.”
The older man looked at him very sternly and then, in hollow tones, he said: “I am Foy.”
“I know it,” said the young man cheerfully. “I’m Hitchcock.”