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We’re dead! Dead, I tell you! (Why won’t we stay dead?!)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - November 23, 2011

The New York Evening Express of 20 February 1887 editorialized on the Edmunds-Tucker bill, passed by the U.S. Senate only the day before, and the widely touted view that this bill would finally put the last nail in the coffin of Mormonism:

According to the Washington correspondents Mormonism is to be killed forthwith, by act of Congress; in fact it may be said to be already dead, from the effects of the Edmunds-Tucker bill in the Senate yesterday. Mormonism has been so often killed before by act of Congress that it seems to thrive on fatal blows.

But Mormonism was killed in a similar manner even before Congress commenced the massacre. It was killed under Joseph Smith at Nauvoo, in the ’40s, and it was totally exterminated when driven out of Florence into the desert under the leadership of Brigham Young. After that it was annihilated by the U.S. army under Albert Sidney Johns[t]on, and next the discovery of mines all around Utah was to kill off Mormonism by the process of constriction. Then the act of Congress, prohibiting bigamous marriages in the Territories, was applied with the usual result of anti-Mormon remedies. Following that Mormonism was to be knocked off the track by the Union Pacific railroad, but even after the completion of that great work it kept on in the old way, apparently unconscious of how dead it was.

The destruction of Mormonism by the partition of Utah among the other Territories was the next process for its obliteration from the political and physical map, but as that didn’t “pan out” satisfactorily, the Edmunds Commission was invented to do the business. Still Mormonism and Mormons kept kicking without paying any attention to their very dead condition, and now the Edmunds-Tucker conference bill kills them over again. In view of the number of times it has been killed, Mormonism seems to be one of the best wearing political corpses this country has ever produced.



11 Comments »

  1. Mormonism as unkillable zombie, rising from the dead. Reminds me of this.
    http://www.abpnews.com/content/view/6899/9/

    Comment by Ben S — November 23, 2011 @ 7:04 am

  2. Perhaps this is why, after a typical three-hour block, my brain feels as if a chunk has been bitten off.

    Comment by Last Lemming — November 23, 2011 @ 7:55 am

  3. So, when they talk about the Zombie Apocalypse, they mean Mormons?????

    Mitt Romney will be the Zombie President that will change America into the walking dead!!!!

    Comment by Rameumptom — November 23, 2011 @ 8:20 am

  4. Glad to see that cynicism was alive and well in this fair city I call home, years before I arrived. I can tell you that it’s still alive and kicking, and I’m trying, feebly, to do my part to keep it that way.

    Comment by Mark B. — November 23, 2011 @ 8:32 am

  5. Kind of a reverse of the Monty Python Dead Parrot sketch, or the scene from MP’s Holy Grail with the cart full of dead people, and one old man who keeps saying, “But I’m not dead yet”.

    Mitt Romney as President = Mormon Zombie Apocalypse? Cool. Another Mormon/Zombie connection!

    Keep it up, Mark. New York needs more cynics.

    Comment by kevinf — November 23, 2011 @ 10:15 am

  6. Don’t forget Princess Bride!

    Inigo Montoya: He’s dead. He can’t talk.
    Miracle Max: Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much. It just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead. There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there’s usually only one thing you can do.
    Inigo Montoya: What’s that?
    Miracle Max: Go through his clothes and look for loose change.

    Comment by Researcher — November 23, 2011 @ 10:19 am

  7. And that, Researcher, really deserves this, from Chevy Chase at SNL:

    Our top story tonight: Generallissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

    Comment by Mark B. — November 23, 2011 @ 10:35 am

  8. Wonderful.

    Comment by David Y. — November 23, 2011 @ 11:05 am

  9. And it isn’t just Mormons that are not quite dead yet.

    Russian rover calls home, still alive

    Personally, I think this post from Ardis deserves a Niblet nomination. Named, of course, after Hugh Nibley, who though a Mormon, not a zombie, and is also still dead.

    Comment by Rameumptom — November 23, 2011 @ 12:15 pm

  10. “He’s dead, Jim.”

    Comment by Carol — November 23, 2011 @ 2:40 pm

  11. Monty Python and the Holy Grail:

    The Dead Collector: Bring out yer dead! [a man puts a body on the cart, unaware of the fact that the man is actually alive]
    Large Man with Dead Body: Here’s one.
    The Dead Collector: That’ll be ninepence.
    The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I’m not dead.
    The Dead Collector: What?
    Large Man with Dead Body: Nothing. [hands the collector his money] There’s your ninepence.
    The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I’m not dead!
    The Dead Collector: ‘Ere, he says he’s not dead.
    Large Man with Dead Body: Yes he is.
    The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I’m not.
    The Dead Collector: He isn’t.
    Large Man with Dead Body: Well, he will be soon, he’s very ill.
    The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I’m getting better.
    Large Man with Dead Body: No you’re not, you’ll be stone dead in a moment.
    The Dead Collector: Well, I can’t take him like that. It’s against regulations.
    The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I don’t want to go on the cart.
    Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, don’t be such a baby.
    The Dead Collector: I can’t take him.
    The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I feel fine.
    Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, do me a favor.
    The Dead Collector: I can’t.
    Large Man with Dead Body: Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won’t be long.
    The Dead Collector: I promised I’d be at the Robinsons’. They’ve lost nine today.
    Large Man with Dead Body: Well, when’s your next round?
    The Dead Collector: Thursday.
    The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I think I’ll go for a walk.
    Large Man with Dead Body: You’re not fooling anyone, you know. Isn’t there anything you could do?
    The Dead Body That Claims It Isn’t: I feel happy. I feel happy. [The collecter glances up and down the street furtively, then whacks the body with his club, solving the problem]
    Large Man with Dead Body: Ah, thank you very much.
    The Dead Collector: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
    Large Man with Dead Body: Right.

    Comment by Rameumptom — November 23, 2011 @ 5:45 pm

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